The Uncomfortable Attachment Style Transformation Toolkit

What does failure mean to you? Take a second to write down the definition of what you think it is.

For those of you who wrote down something along the lines of “not accomplishing a goal,” I want to push back on that.

In my opinion, you can’t fail at a goal until you die. Maybe that sounds crazy, or unrealistic, or delusional. I believe you have a lifetime.

Why do I view it that way? Most people fail to realize the milestones and accomplishments they achieve on their way to real change and accomplishing their goals.

Let’s spin this right into talking about attachment style transformation goals.

By the time someone starts learning about attachment theory, they can usually name their style, describe their patterns, and even explain where they came from.

They know the childhood dynamics. They know the trauma. They know the triggers.

What they don’t yet realize is that understanding their attachment style is not the same thing as transforming it.

Attachment styles are not personality traits. They are survival strategies built in environments where your nervous system learned what was required to stay connected.

Your attachment style doesn’t just change because you understand the concept. That is where most people “fail,” and don’t accomplish their goal, because they think understanding is the transformation piece.

No.

Real transformation occurs when you understand the behaviors, characteristics, and counteractivities associated with triggers. Another layer is understanding how to counter your partner’s behavior when someone else is involved.

Let’s dive into the toolkit to create real change.

Stage 1

There is something that will be a little ironic about this introduction to the article. Our attachment style derives from our experiences in our juvenile stages; the relationships we view, whether it’s close proximity, or as distant as when we see in the media.

We then go on to have our own experiences through our attachment style that combines with the actions and behaviors of others.

I understand that these experiences can be traumatic, but the first step that leads to failure is people’s inability to let go of trauma or negative experiences.

Now, let’s be level and not go to the extremes of outright abuse, but what usually creates the first hurdle is someone who defines themselves by their experiences.

Trauma often becomes an identity and a justification for staying stuck rather than a wound to heal.

People often talk about themselves as the sum of experiences that resulted from the behaviors of others.

Healing requires releasing the function trauma serves, not just processing the memory. Moving forward means choosing growth even when the pain finally feels familiar and safe.

I have to be honest, a lot of people hold on to trauma decades old. I am going to be brutally honest. A lot of people secretly use the crutch so they don’t have to move forward.

It may not be your fault that the experience happened, but it is your choice to move forward.

Your ex is out of the picture. Letting go is the first step forward.

You are not the sum of your experience with your parents. Letting go is the first step forward.

The real progress

There is something I have to make everyone aware of when they begin their attachment style transformation journey. Go ahead and 2x this thought if you are working with your partner.

Your attachment style journey is not something that takes days to weeks. It is not something that takes weeks to a couple of months.

You’re unlearning behaviors that derive from formative years before you had control, and then behaviors you installed in your cognitive years.

The mistake I see here that leads to failure is that insight alone doesn’t change behaviors — repetition, regulation, and discomfort change them.

You are learning a new response system that goes beyond recognition. You are learning how to respond to a trigger, which you can’t control, early on.

Attachment styles are layered coping strategies, not surface-level habits you can swap overnight.

For example, I’ve met with clients who are high on the anxious preoccupied scale, and they give their partner space, but still find themselves frustrated.

This is a prime example of “understanding,” but not translating that to changing your behavior. How are you self-soothing in these moments? What value statements are you teaching yourself? What positive reformed stories are you telling yourself?

Real change comes from practicing new responses long after the “aha” moment fades.

When you’re not doing this independently, you need to double down on these thoughts. You have to have the epiphany along with your partner’s pace, and no, you don’t control their patterns.

This stage takes full-on commitment and a diversion from the fairytale version of how you thought this would play out.

Gone with the wind

One of my favorite lines from a movie is from Heat. “Do not get yourself attached to anything you are not willing to walk away from in 30 seconds or less if you spot the heat around the corner.

You can interpret that in 2938 different ways, but for the purpose of attachment style transformation, letting go is not punishment; it’s alignment with the future you’re building.

When we talk about transformation journeys, I see too many people talking about who or what they have to drag with them in order to create the change they want to see.

When I work with clients, I have them start out by writing an outcome statement, and I do not help them in the initial process.

Way too often, I see people choosing a version of their life that changes other people in the process, and that is the wrong frame of thought.

The outcome you want has to exist regardless of who is in the picture. Only those who fit in that new version are allowed in that new frame. Period.

When you have a partner who is understanding of that outcome and willing to participate in the work needed to create change, then they’re welcome to hop on the train.

Your journey is about YOU.

Choosing yourself means accepting that some connections only fit the old version of you.

Choosing yourself means that only certain people can come along. You cannot evolve while trying to drag someone unwilling with you.

It’s cliché, but transforming your attachment style is similar to changing your body.

You can change your diet, hydrate, switch your sleep schedule, walk 10,000 steps a day, and you are not going to see results for months.

Did you fail? NO.

Look at all those milestones you hit and changes you installed in that time.

You are going to have to make some serious changes to see the impact.

Get to work.

If you’re ready to work through your relationship patterns and earn secure attachment, I offer a structured 8-week Attachment Style Transformation course as well as one-time 1:1 coaching sessions. To learn more and see if it’s a good fit, click here or email me at [email protected] to book a free 15-minute onboarding call.