The Uncomfortable Truth About Confidence Men Must Hear

Confidence has always been a hot topic.

Everybody wants more of it, but it seems that no matter how hard we try, it keeps slipping away. Some days you feel “ON” and ready to take on the challenges of life. Other days you just want to stay in bed. It was hard for me to put my finger on why it happened

But I slowly realized “confidence” is getting much more credit than it deserves.

Confidence is just a feeling, and feelings change

This is a fundamental truth I think.

One can’t feel a certain way all the time. You are not a machine. Life is messy and our inner world tends to be affected by our environment, at least in some level. Clinging to the idea of confidence only makes us chase the wind.

And I believe we chase it mainly because we’ve been sold on it.

Confidence won’t solve all of your problems

“Jonathan, try to speak with more confidence when talking to clients.”

This was my boss’ advice back when I was 26.

I had no idea what to do with that advice, and I don’t think my boss had either.

Confidence is usually associated with success. Confidence will get you more women. Confidence will get you a better job. If you want to build a business, you must have confidence in yourself. At least that’s what they say.

The interesting thing is, lack of confidence tends to be associated with failure. If you can’t get dates with women, you probably have no confidence and they can smell it on you. If you can’t sell your product to potential clients, perhaps don’t project enough confidence so prospects don’t trust you.

We resort to “confidence” on default.

Yes, confidence is key.

But failure or success in life doesn’t start and end with “confidence.”

Self-esteem is a different story though

With time you get good at certain things.

You get good at your job. You improve your social skills. You learn how to cook and feed yourself and the people you love. Way I see it, all these things are anchors. And, as opposed to the fluctuating feeling of confidence, you can lean on these anchors throughout your life.

When you mess up something at work, you don’t attribute it to your lack of confidence: you think about all the great work you’ve done until now. When a woman rejects you, you don’t beat yourself up and start to wonder what you did wrong: you think about the great relationships you’ve already had.

Building self-esteem as a function of time is much healthier than trying to build confidence.

Fear of failure is the only thing that could stop you

Here’s the kicker.

It’s impossible to build self-esteem without trying to succeed at things. “But I don’t have confidence!!” I can hear you say. Right. You need confidence to at least try, but how can you try without confidence.

However, “confidence” might not be what you lack. It’s the courage to try to change your life despite fear of failure.

We sometimes lack the little bit of courage that could get the ball rolling.

The courage to approach a woman at the bar or gym. The courage to pick up the phone and try to sell our product. Or maybe even the courage to forgive someone we resent (I’ve been battling with this recently. But at the same time I realized resentment is holding me back from love.)

The remedy is simple: PULL THE TRIGGER.

Do it anyway. Do it despite fear. Do it alone. Do it tired or exhausted. Do it confused. I do believe there’s no other choice sometimes.

But to pull the trigger and mess up badly is better than sitting on the sidelines and waiting for God to save you.

God helps those who help themselves.

A bit of a dramatic ending 🙂

Get my free ebook, Life Lessons From Getting Rejected By Hundreds Of Women

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.