The Word ‘Also’ Can Change Your Life.

We all want vital, exciting, curious, creative, imaginative interactions in our life. Such interactions are most satisfying when they are co-created. Co-created moments are the magic of human relational creativity. Yet being vulnerable and accepting influence is not easy. How can we increase the collaborative nature of our relationship?

Here is a very practical tip: Use the word “also”, or other qualifiers, in your relationships.

I am also angry at you. I am also afraid of giving this lecture tomorrow. I sometimes feel like you’re not listening to me (instead of you never listened to me). For now, there’s no chance I will record a video with you.

How can one word possibly increase the vitality of your relationship?

One qualifying word can have a huge impact on a relationship. One statement at a time can change things, like drops of water that slowly reshape huge rocks.

Qualifiers soften your position and widen the emotional scope of the relationship.

We all feel more than one feeling. Adding also gives us more flexibility in our self-states. Using “also” alerts you to your different self-states, which in turn help you regulate yourself. You are essentially reminding yourself that there is always a bigger part of you than the current feeling that might be overtaking you.

What is more, you can now talk about the different and often ambivalent feelings you might be feeling at that time. The light and the dark aspects of your relationship are equally accessible.

Qualifiers aid in expressing anger.

Finding ways to constructively verbalize your aggression is crucially important to deepen intimacy. Adding also to your aggression adds softer, playful energy to your harsh words: I am also furious with you, I sometimes want to kill you. The sometimes keeps it flexible and reminds both of you that sometimes you don’t want to harm your partner and that at other times you truly love them.

Also softens core beliefs.

Using qualifiers can soften rigid core beliefs such as: I am a loser, I am not confident, I am silly, and so on.

Now qualify these core beliefs:

Sometimes, I lack confidence. Sometimes, I don’t feel loved. I don’t always win. Sometimes, I do silly things. I am also angry at myself.

Our unconscious mind cannot differentiate between reality and fantasy. So the qualifiers slowly soften these core beliefs which in turn result in more cognitive, emotional, and behavioral flexibility.

Qualifiers soften mental blocks.

Qualifiers help validate and normalize our natural, inevitable fears, blocks, and resistances.

“I desperately want to be in an intimate relationship.”

Yet for many people, there are fears and blocks from intimacy that stop them from pursuing deep relationships. Over time, the dissonance between the clear statement and the lack of change in the behavior, creates a sense of guilt, frustration, loss of confidence, and confusion. By adding also, you are validating your natural fears from your goals, and therefore you can be more forgiving when the behavioral changes are slower than desired.

Qualifiers add playfulness.

Play is the lubricant of life. “I am also curious to hear more about that.” Adding also shows that you are not taking yourself too seriously and you are open to different directions of conversations. This usually surprises people and invites them to not only match your openness, and to indicate that there are two tracks of communication present. Your partner can choose whether to relate to the feeling your named (curious) or inquire what other feelings you were feeling. They can choose to which self-state to relate. This increases the give and take, generative nature of the conversation.

How to start qualifying your communication?

Experiment with qualifying your internal talk and then in your conversations with your partner. Add also and sometimes to what you are saying. See how that feels.
Get yourself in trouble. Once you say “I am also feeling ____” dare to intuitively broadcast live possible additional feelings. For example, “I am also thrilled you are getting married, and I am also wondering if this will change the dynamic between us.”
See it land and let it land. After you have shared your different self-states, leave space for change and accept influence. See how your partner reacts. Maybe they will want to ask you a follow-up question. Maybe they will be surprised. Maybe they will, in turn, share some of their own ambivalence.
Be forgiving and playful with yourself. Take pride that you are trying something new and daring to bring more of yourself to your intimate relationships.

Create relational spaces where you can bring your shadow as a legitimate part of the conversation. Not just your polite, regulated, mature parts, but also your mean, scared, vulnerable, angry parts. All of your (and your partner’s) parts are welcome.

And that is freedom. It’s like walking in your pajamas all day but in your conversational pajamas.

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Originally published on Psychology Today.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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