Ending a marriage is never easy, but it doesn’t have to be cruel.
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“When can we talk?”
“We can talk now.”
I sat down on the couch across from him. He stood up and motioned me to the bedroom. Our house is single-story, open plan; kids in various rooms would have been within earshot.
Before the door was shut he said “I’m done.”
I waited a beat.
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“I can’t do this anymore. What just happened, with the kids. And, I don’t love you anymore. I’m done.”
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“I can’t do this anymore. What just happened, with the kids. And, I don’t love you anymore. I’m done.”
We had just had an argument about our younger son, his ADHD, and his needs. My son was overwhelmed, first day back to school after break, post-orthodontist appointment, and still recovering from a difficult conflict he’d had with his dad on the weekend. He asked if he could skip dinner and lay down in his room.
“I just need some alone time, Mom. I’m so tired and my teeth hurt from the dentist.” I told him he could only to have his father balk at my inconsistency.
“We’re having family dinner; he’s going to sit with us. The child needs consistency.”
“I think he needs some space tonight, he’s exhausted and over-stimulated. Why don’t we cut him a break tonight?”
His dad flew into a rage at my inconsistent parenting methods. This is not about just this, I thought.
In fact, my son had just, with remarkable courage, and holding on to me with both arms, told his dad that he was still upset, that he didn’t want to fight and was afraid of his dad’s anger.
It’s hard parenting a child with ADHD. It’s hard parenting a child period. But, a lot of strategies that work with non-ADHD kids can backfire or escalate symptoms in one with special needs.
My ex likes things tidy, he doesn’t like conflict and it’s been hard to accept that our boys have special needs.
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He never talked to me about it. How long was he that unhappy?
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I don’t know how long my ex was thinking “I’m done, I want a divorce.” He never talked to me about it. How long was he that unhappy? When did he decide he didn’t love me anymore? Was it before the Imago couples workshop where we both cried, talked deeply about ourselves and he even said “I feel like we’re going to make it.” Was that true? Did he even know what was true? Was it before Christmas? My birthday?
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If you are unhappy, talk to your partner. If you can’t talk kindly without a third party present, hire a third party. This is the most important relationship of your life, especially if you are a parent. Hire a counselor, relationship coach, or mediator, anyone who can help mitigate the anger and let you touch the places of care. You once loved this person, you maybe even still do. Do you want your last words to be cruel and hurtful?
It is true that some things can never be taken back, and even if you mean “I don’t love you anymore,” you may not need to say it. It may not be the best way to ask for a divorce from the mother of your children, your wife of 17 years, the woman you have said “I love you” to countless times, traveled with, allowed to care for you when sick, loved, and made life decisions with. Do you want to be cruel and hurt your partner that much?
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There are ways to end a relationship without blindsiding your partner, without hurting feelings and betraying trust so much that you obliterate it.
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There’s no need to stay in an unhappy marriage, or any unhappy relationship. I want to be happy, and I want my partner to be. But, there are ways to end a relationship without blindsiding your partner, without hurting feelings and betraying trust so much that you obliterate it. By saying words you can never take back, you create a situation where she, or he, may only talk through a third party because the betrayal is so deep. Not with another woman, but with silence, with cruelty, with pretending, with emotional lies. Would you want that for yourself? It’s scary to be real and honest. It’s scary to be vulnerable, but be mindful of that other person. Be mindful of their feelings, even if you are hurt, angry, frustrated, fed up, done. There was once love there, especially if there are children and decades of history. Disentangling a relationship is complicated. Don’t make it more so by being cruel. It’s just not worth it. You’ll regret it. You will. I know my ex does. For the sake of my children, I am going to communicate, I will make this work. But I will never trust him again. Some things can never be taken back. They just can’t. People give themselves to you in love, and they are resilient, but their hearts are fragile. Tread lightly. Be gentle. Be mindful and handle with care. You’d want the same. And you deserve it.
Photo—Dennis Skley/Flickr
Those who end marriages in a cruel way set themselves up for a brutal divorce, and if they have children, a brutal post-divorce life for them and their kids (and kids are your kids for life). My wife handed me surprise divorce papers, refused to speak with me, tell me that I could only talk to her lawyer, spent 15 minutes telling the kids that she was divorcing me, moving five hours away and never coming back, and was gone 3 hours later. She’s seen her kids once since she left 9 months ago, when they drove to see her.… Read more »
Oh, Jenny, I’m so sorry. I was the one that ended things with my first husband, and while I don’t think I could have been nicer about it, it still hurts everyone.
Jenny, my heart hurts for you. I know how you’re feeling, because something markedly similar happened to me, and it smacked of passive-aggressiveness. I don’t want someone to be miserable around me and “suffer in silence”. But what’s even worse than that is finding this out in retrospect and feeling like a total moron because you had absolutely *no idea* that anything was quite that bad — not being told, “Hey, that thing you just said/did … it really disturbs me, and we need to talk about it.” Or arriving at the conclusion that your significant other/spouse was secretly chalking… Read more »
Thank you Lisa Marie, very kind comment and supportive. I will reread it several times, I suspect, because I got a lot of comfort from your input. And I agree. It’s cowardly, it feels like a betrayal, and I’m working on not what-iffing myself to death and dwelling on the past, because that doesn’t help. Moving forward.
I too am working on the “what if” bit, Jenny, but it’s hard, because we’re only human and predisposed to ruminate. When you’ve spent a considerable part of your life with someone and vested your future in them, it’s completely different than simply dating them for a few months. I think that it’s okay to be disappointed, disillusioned, and reflective during times like these. I also think that’s how we learn from our mistakes. In retrospect, my ex had been giving me little clues that I willfully ignored, thinking they were no big deal. Take care on this cold day,… Read more »
Valid point, Theorema. Interestingly, my ex was the more passive partner by far. However, I was the worker bee. But, he had always been afraid I’d leave him. I was not at that point, however.
Seems to me no matter how many times you tried to sugar coat it, someone will end up saying the words “I want a divorce” and it is going to hurt.
It is going to hurt–except in those cases where one spouse has wanted the divorce for years but hasn’t said anything out of reluctance to hurt the other. In that case, it comes as a great relief. That’s how it was in both my marriages, which each lasted a good ten years longer than they should have.
This is probably more appropriate in the breakup of unmarried relationships without children involved, but I think it often will hurt also in the case you described. Even though the spouse had wanted to pull the switch themselves, it will cause what Freud termed “narzisstische Kränkung” (could not find a good translation, something like “insult to the ego”). It hurts to have been beaten to the draw. It hurts that ultimately the other one rejected you instead of the other way around. It makes them the subject and you the object. There is a reason people go “You can’t fire… Read more »
“It is going to hurt–except in those cases where one spouse has wanted the divorce for years but hasn’t said anything out of reluctance to hurt the other. In that case, it comes as a great relief.”
I agreed with you on that point.
I hear your pain through this, Jenny. It sounds like you have a head for what to do. And I know you are the one to keep your son from thinking it’s his fault. Kids do that. I know that with time, as difficult as things are right now, that this will bring a peaceful home. Here’s hoping your son does well around his father and that time with his son, shows him how he needs to change his interaction with his son.
Thanks, Alexandra. I hope that happens too because I want both my boys to have their father in their life, in a positive way. The boys are very good about making their needs and feelings known, so that will help.
“There’s no need to stay in an unhappy marriage…” My BFF was married to a very talented musician for over a decade, who in retrospect was narcissistic, bipolar, obsessive-compulsive, and psychopathic…she loved him…she and her mom tried to keep the family and household together, but it got to the point where he was going out nightly to play in his local rock band…she and their son just barely saw him towards the end…. They finally ended it when it was clear that he had checked out of the relationship….weirdly enough, years later, when she found the second and greatest love… Read more »
My ex-wife told me she wanted a divorce in an email after she exaggerated things and had me removed from our home after getting an order of protection.
I wanted to work things out after I found out she was having an affair.
If she didn’t want to work on things, I didn’t want to be the one that had to leave the house because I wasn’t the one who had an affair.