There Is a Way To Be Good Again

Imagine receiving a phone call, out of the blue, from a long lost childhood friend. A friend who suffered a terrible crime when you were both boys. A crime you knew about but did nothing to help.

How would you feel, as an adult, to hear the kind voice of your long lost friend? A friend who still loves you. A friend who harbors no animosity.

A friend who enticingly says, “There is a way to be good again.”

These are the opening circumstances in the New York Times best-selling novel The Kite Runner by Afghan-American author Khaled Hosseini. The novel’s Amazon page offers the following introduction:

The unforgettable, heartbreaking story of the unlikely friendship between a wealthy boy and the son of his father’s servant, caught in the tragic sweep of history, “The Kite Runner” transports readers to Afghanistan at a tense and crucial moment of change and destruction. A powerful story of friendship, it is also about the power of reading, the price of betrayal, and the possibility of redemption; and an exploration of the power of fathers over sons — their love, their sacrifices, their lies.

I read this book years ago when it debuted and was moved by its themes of love, atonement, and redemption.

The dark side

As a native Californian who grew up in the idyllic hills of Los Gatos, California, I knew nothing of Afghanistan and its struggles between upper-class Pashtuns and lower-class Hazaras.

The book taught me a lot about Afghanistan, but it also left me with two realizations.

First, people are mostly the same all over the world. We all want the best for our children. We want to improve our lives. Find love, success, and security.

Second, nearly every human being has moments of deep regret. No one is perfect, and sooner or later we all stumble. We say or do things we regret.

I regret those times when I’ve chosen the dark side. I’ve wasted enough time not being happy. -Jessica Lange

My favorite line in the Kite Runner is, “There is a way to be good again.” There is great optimism and the promise of atonement in that line. It hints that a key can be found if we’re willing to work for it. A key to unlock the cell doors to the prisons we made for ourselves.

The past claws its way out

There’s a point of reflection in the Kite Runner where the following lines are shared:

…but it’s wrong what they say about the past, I’ve learned, about how you can bury it. Because the past claws its way out.

A lot of people make mistakes. They hurt others, and thus themselves. So they repress the things they’ve done. Stuff it all in the deepest caverns of their minds, hoping time and distance will dissolve the memories.

But the memories are like leeches on the human spirit, siphoning our hope and joy. Sometimes the memories can make us sick.

A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended.
― Ian McEwan, Atonement

It’s tempting to let sleeping dogs lie, and sometimes it’s best not to dredge up the past with wounded souls. But what about our injured souls? How do we find a way to be good again?

There are many paths to redemption

Here are four steps to help you escape your own prison and find a way to become good again.

Accept responsibility

No more excuses, denials, rationalizations, blaming, and running away from it. The buck stops with you. Admit your mistake to yourself. Take responsibility.

The price of greatness is responsibility. -Winston Churchill

Change

There are many reasons why people hurt others. Perhaps they have an addiction. Maybe they are selfish or lack courage. The good news is that it’s never too late to change.

Every positive change in your life begins with a clear, unequivocal decision that you are going to either do something or stop doing something. -Anonymous

Addicts can get sober. Selfish people can learn to focus outward rather than inward. Cowards can become brave. You might have to enlist help to make this change happen. It may take time, but it’s possible.

Pay it back or forward

Often times you can right the wrongs of the past. An alcoholic father who wasn’t there for his children can be there for them when they’re adults. A thief can apologize and pay restitution.

But sometimes the ones you hurt want nothing to do with you. To apologize and try to help them now might open old wounds and make things worse. What to do then? Pay it forward.

As we work to create light for others, we naturally light our own way. -Mary Anne Radmacher

If we can’t help or redeem ourselves with the ones we’ve hurt, we can find redemption in helping others. How? Donating one’s time serving at a soup kitchen. Becoming a sponsor for other addicts. There are many paths to redemption.

We can’t always atone directly with those we have hurt, but we can help others and thus invite the light of grace into our burdened souls.

Forgive yourself

If you’ve accepted responsibility for your mistakes, truly changed for the better, paid it back (or forward), then the last thing to do is forgive yourself.

You’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens. -Louise L. Hay

Others may or may not forgive you, but you have to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes. Some are small, some are huge. Some can be fixed, some cannot.

Some regrets we simply have to carry. They may be unwanted passengers, but they can be tolerated. You can learn to live with them if you’ve succeeded with the four steps.

There is a field

We are not designed to coexist with sin. It eats away at us, sooner or later. There’s divinity in each and every person, but it gets lost sometimes in the darker regions of our humanity.

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.

-Rumi

Don’t keep living in this prison you’ve constructed for yourself. Like the character in The Kite Runner said so eloquently, “There is a way to be good again.”

Embrace the four steps outlined above, escape the prison you’ve constructed, find the way to be good again, and then let’s meet in Rumi’s field. A field full of sunshine, redemption, love, and hope for the future.

Before you go

I’m John P. Weiss. I draw cartoons, paint, and write about life. To get more cartoons, essays and inspiration, get on my free email list here.

—

This post was previously published on Medium.com.

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything

—

Artworks by John P. Weiss