'There’s No Blood…It’s Not That Bad'

A toddler in the house makes things a bit crazy.

It makes every day interesting.

My daughter is quite chatty and has just started into the “Why? Why? Why?” phase.

It makes me realize how many weird things are said in my house on a day-to-day basis. Not just by my toddler, but also by us, as parents.

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Here are the things you will hear in my house with a toddler:

1. “Where are all the [insert object]?”

I never had any problem keeping track of things in my house before a toddler, but now, random things go missing all the time.

The other day, I asked my partner, “Where are all the measuring spoons?” He said, “Oh, I think I saw our daughter take them to her IKEA kitchen.”

Similarly, I went to get a clean handtowel in the kitchen. Somehow the drawer was empty, even though I had just put away clean towels. I asked, “Where are all the clean, folded towels? They went missing.” My partner didn’t know. Later in the day, I found them. My daughter had rounded up all of her stuffed animals, put them on the trampoline to sleep, and needed blankets for each one. I have to admit, it was pretty cute.

2. Mild responses to screams from the other room

Screams don’t have me dashing off to the other room in one second flat anymore. That might make me sound heartless, but you learn your child’s screams and cries.

The other day, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the other room. I went to check it out and my daughter held up her hoodie that was still half-on and cried, “The zipper’s stuck!” Yes, definitely not an emergency.

A regular refrain from me and my partner is “Oh, it’s not that bad…there’s no blood!” Yes, that’s where I draw the line between a severe injury and a regular scrape.

3. Anything and everything about peeing and pooping and bodily functions

Potty training brings a whole string of “Did you pee? Did you poop? Do you have to pee?”

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And potty training in the summer brings phrases such as “Please don’t pee in the yard” and “We can’t pee in the pool.”

And just as common as talking about toilet functions is talking about boogers.

“Mama, mama, maaaamma!” yelled my daughter one night. I went in and found out she wanted to hand me a booger from her nose. No matter that she had a box of tissues in her room. As I was leaving the room, she said, “I was going to eat it…” That was information I’d rather not know.

Another gem of a booger conversation went like this:

My daughter: Mama, mama!

Me: What’s up?

My daughter: I can’t find my booger. You find it.

Me: I can’t find it… [as I wipe her nose and pretend to look for the booger.]

My daughter: It’s already gone. I ate it.

You can’t make this stuff up…

4. Things you assumed were common knowledge (until you became a parent)

“We don’t hit people,” “we don’t throw things,” and “we can’t be that rough” are of course things most parents have to teach their children. I still have to reinforce these to my daughter. Teaching boundaries on what is acceptable to society, while not being too rigid and uptight, is an essential part of parenting.

However, you hear all kinds of ridiculous things in my house or in my interactions with my daughter. These are things that I took for granted pre-kids. Here are a few things I’ve said:

“Don’t show your undies in public.”

“You have to put on clothes before we go to the store.” Now, “clothes” is a loose definition in my household. Just the other day, my daughter accompanied me to the hardware store in not one, but two tutus, a crown, and sparkly jelly shoes. I let her dance to the beat of her own drum, but clothes are still required (in public that is).

“We can’t get naked on an airplane.” She had already discarded her shoes and her tights, but then she wanted to take off her dress. Sorry, no nakedness on planes.

5. Explanations of how the world works (amidst crying)

“But I want a big banana,” my daughter cried as she looked at a whole banana cut in half on her plate. I tried to explain that it was the same total size as a “big” banana. I do remember some research that showed kids process size information differently, so maybe in this case, trying to reason with a toddler would never work.

We also have conversations where I say things nonsensical like, “Broken tissues work just as good as non-broken tissues” when she didn’t want to use a ripped tissue. Or “Toilet paper works just as good as tissues,” when she was very picky one day when we were out of tissues.

Trying to explain that “Papa’s make oatmeal just as well as Mama’s do” and “But you liked this meal yesterday…” sometimes falls on deaf ears.

6. Mini-me phrases influenced by you

You start to see your underlying influence on your child. My toddler has started saying things and I take a step back and realize how much it sounds like me.

She has started to say “Of course” after I ask if she wants something. She will get a stain on her shirt and look at me and say, “But it’s okay…” when a few months ago, she would have started to cry.

The other day, we were in the car going to the library and she said, “I love the library..and shopping!” Well, that is ME in a nutshell, so obviously, my enthusiasm in those two areas has rubbed off on her. I guess I’ll have a shopping buddy for a few more years.

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Trying to rationalize with a toddler is downright frustrating. The terrible two’s and terrible three’s are real. However, just as often, there is also magic at this age.

The toddlers are making huge leaps in speech and cognition. As they go from two to three, they really start to remember things, string words into sentences and thrive in imaginary play.

It’s a frustrating age, but it’s a magical age. And they change so quickly.

Every chance I get, I jot down a few notes about what my daughter has said, or what she is currently into, or what funny thing she did. It’s as simple as jotting these memories and milestones down in my phone’s note-taking app when I get a moment. I know I will treasure these snippets when she’s older.

I’m still at the point where my daughter still believes most boo-boo’s can be fixed by a single kiss by me. Amidst all the crying and “why, why, whhhyyyy” questions in my house, you also hear silly questions and laughter. And I hope it doesn’t change anytime soon.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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