These 3 'Harmless' Things Feel Like Cheating (but They’re Not)

Cheating is, well, catastrophic! It’s one of the things that shatters people’s lives to pieces, which may be difficult (or impossible) to put together again.

0/10. I wouldn’t recommend it.

In this article, I want to approach the topic from a unique angle. We will cover 3 things that mark the blurry line between fidelity and infidelity. They’re so tricky because:

Technically, they feel like cheating.
They’re actually not cheating.
They can lead to cheating.

All of the three at the same time. Yet another proof that most things related to relationships aren’t black or white.

But why would you ever want to read such a touchy and confusing article? Well, here’s a good reason:

It will help you understand relationships, commitment, and being loyal more deeply. This understanding can, in turn, help you have better relationships and avoid breaking your hearts unnecessarily.

I’ll briefly cover the first 2 things because that’s all we need. But I will explain the last thing in detail and put everything together for you in a digestible manner.

Let’s get into it.

#1 Finding people outside of your relationship attractive

What’s commitment? It’s to wake up every day and choose your partner, especially when it’s difficult (and you don’t feel like it).

This suggests an obvious fact. You will find people other than your partner attractive, whether physically or emotionally. And with social media and the ability to travel, the ability to see other attractive people easily is higher.

You may even have minor crushes on some of these people. And if you’re honest with yourself, a part of you is attracted to them.

There’s nothing wrong with that. This natural impulse won’t just go away because you’re now in a committed relationship.

Being faithful isn’t about not feeling this impulse. It’s about not acting on it. Your partner trusts that you will wake up every day and choose them, not that you won’t ever find anyone in the world attractive.

#2 Having loving memories about an ex

Relationships expand our identity. In other words, they help shape parts of ourselves.

Ever heard the concept that relationships are mirrors? That’s correct to a great extent because they make us see versions of ourselves we couldn’t see otherwise. They also help shape them because the unique interactions found in them inspire the dormant parts of us to come to life.

This is true also of places, cities, houses, jobs, and even food. When you travel to a new city or country, you will miss the version of you that used to eat tacos with your friends every weekend while laughing hard at silly jokes.

It’s not just the food or the people or the city. It’s also who you are at that moment and the person that those things made you.

Every person you meet helps you form new parts of yourself. The more in love you’re with these parts, the more valuable this person/relationship to you is.

So, when we lose people, we lose parts of ourselves and our identity. This is one of the overlooked reasons breakups hurt like mad — we’re mourning the death of a part of ourselves.

Now, you can see why we may think back fondly of a partner. It’s like missing parts of ourselves. It’s okay as long as we don’t strive to revive those parts and bring them back to life by reigniting the failed flame.

#3 Having fantasies you believe your partner can’t fulfill (whether they actually can or can’t is irrelevant)

As humans, we have a dark side. For starters, it’s called The “Shadow”. Although this term is currently used a lot in the spiritual world, it comes from great psychologists like Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud.

My Shadow includes everything I “hate” about myself (or don’t feel comfortable admitting). It contains things I consider wrong, inappropriate, shameful, or evil. But it also contains good traits that I am terrified of the good things they can bring to my life.

This can explain things like fear of success, intimacy, or good things in general. And it’s true for almost everyone.

The irony is that the more we deny our Shadow, the more it controls our lives. The same traits you run away from will eventually run your life without you noticing. And the more you come to terms with your Shadow and understand it, the more wholesome you become.

This is what integrating the Shadow means — to make the unconscious conscious and use it for the good.

One of the best ways to see this in real life in a comic way is to look at Eminem and his “sub-personality” Slim Shady. It’s the sound of his Shadow. At one point in his life, it was guiding his entire life until he was able to control it.

In one of his latest songs, he was rapping as Slim Shady (the Shadow) facing Eminem with everything:

“I’m who you used to be (who?)

The you who didn’t crumble under the scrutiny (wait, what?)

When it was you and me (yeah)

I gave you power to use me as an excuse to be evil (I know)

You created me to say everything you didn’t have the balls to say (yep)

What you were thinking but in a more diabolic way

You fed me pills and a bottle of alcohol a day (okay)

Made me too strong for you and lost control of me (you’re right)

I took over you totally

You were socially awkward ’til you molded me (yeah)

You was a loner and nobody

’Cause of me, you didn’t take shit from nobody”

And this is one of the benefits of integrating the Shadow and coming to terms with it. We become tougher (in a good way) and more balanced.

Intimate relationships are strongly fueled by our subconscious needs, which are influenced by our Shadow. In fact, they’re the very thing that forces us to get in touch with our Shadow.

This is one of the reasons people with low self-awareness struggle in relationships. They are controlled by the worst part of their subconscious.

Now, back to our topic of cheating in relationships

Fantasies serve as a romanticized (and extreme) method to fulfill a deep psychological (often subconscious) need. If I have fantasies about being loved and worshiped by the masses, this may suggest that I have a deep need for success, power, and status.

When it comes to relationships, intimacy, and love, we also have deep fantasies that are fueled by deep psychological needs, reaching deep down to the darkest point of our Shadow.

So, we tend to stay silent about these things. We hide them from our partners. And we secretly wish they would discover them on their own and not judge us for them.

We might be afraid of being judged for revealing such a dark secret. And we might even not want to admit to ourselves we have such dark desires. We then may rationalize it by believing our partner can’t fulfill those fantasies even if we had them!

Or maybe our partner really can’t fulfill those fantasies for whatever reason. One of the reasons could be that we have a toxic fantasy that is so disconnected from reality, and we should let go of it instead of trying to fulfill it.

Whatever the situation might be, it’s not cheating to have those fantasies and the thoughts that your partner can’t fulfill them.

Here’s the problem, though!

Problems happen when we start seeking out other people who can (or we think can) fulfill them.

It’s the wife who has been the good girl her entire life until she suddenly starts having an affair with a truck driver younger than her and who lives an adventurous life.

She was trying to fulfill her deep fantasy of being a bad girl who tiptoes around danger. This is a real story mentioned in the book The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel, which basically talks about affairs.

The fantasies and thoughts, in and of themselves, aren’t cheating. The right way to handle them is to be honest with yourself first and then with your partner. This is not the easiest thing to do, but the consequences of being controlled by those fantasies could be cheating on your partner.

The same concept applies to all the things we covered. It all comes down to how you deal with them. And it’s helpful to learn how your partner deals with these thoughts, desires, and fantasies.

Cheating is a choice

While writing this article, I had the idea that, yeah, cheating is a choice. It’s true that some factors tempt us to sin, but is it really those factors or our own decision in the end that will cause us to cheat?

I believe it’s the latter. Do you agree?

…

I hope this was helpful

If you enjoyed reading this, Get free 12 practical tips on how to:

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Also, check my books on Amazon.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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