We keep telling ourselves that we are maturing with age, that we are learning to do better as we read advice pieces and go through life. We go on looking at other people’s business and think too highly of ourselves when solutions to all their problems stand staring at our faces.
The way we deal with our own problems often says otherwise.
Why else do we find ourselves frequently in the same bitter spot — opposing, bickering with, and scoffing at someone we claim to love?
As inevitable as they seem, trivial fights with our loved ones — where we make mountains out of molehills — are usually caused by a totally avoidable spotlight on me instead of us, appearing in different forms.
Here are five of the most common mistakes that cause unnecessary conflicts between partners.
. . .
1 — Jumping to conclusions
We are all somewhat prone to this error, and its ubiquity makes it top the list. Emotional reactions are more often than not instantaneous. While our reactions can tell us a lot about how we feel, they can also lead us to wrong conclusions because of how little conscious thinking goes into it.
On top of that, we are prone to the cognitive bias of anchoring, which sometimes causes us to irrationally stick to our initial reaction and less receptive to the revealed facts that follow. Paired together, they can cause tremendous damage not only to an argument-in-progress but also to our entire relationships.
What you can do:
Grow a habit of leaving things inconclusive, even when you have a strong initial negative reaction to something your partner action. Keep in mind, especially using examples from the past that I’m sure you have some of, that your feelings will probably dissipate after you’ve given the matter some thought.
You are then likely to realize where you may have been wrong. Even if you are right, this gives you time to frame your words better. Things said in a manner more bitter than necessary can open new branches of conflict neither of you will find worthwhile.
2 — Neglecting the other person’s POV
Naive realism, a concept in social psychology, is how we tend to believe we see the world objectively, rather than as a subjective reconstruction and interpretation of reality based on our backgrounds and beliefs.
One of my former partners used to talk loudly, at least for my hearing. I would sometimes flinch away if she had a sudden volume boost while I was three inches away. I told her I’m a lot more sensitive to loud noises compared to the average person, but she wouldn’t pay heed to this. Instead, she would speak loudly out of spite, believing I’m trying to insult her or shut her down.
Relationships can sometimes tear apart because two people are hell-bent on establishing that they have interpreted a situation perfectly.
What you can do:
Throw all the things you know about them into the equation. From whether they had a rough day to what kind of childhood they had. Of course, there is a chance you will still be wrong. Even then, you will grow some empathy.
Without taking into account everything that makes them who they are, you risk not understanding where their behavior is coming from.
3 — The implicit pursuit of being right
Ego is a relationship killer, and we know it. We also know that being right should not be the goal of any argument.
Acting is a lot harder than knowing, though.
Even when two people don’t explicitly try to prove themselves right, they may still carry that goal implicitly. Sometimes partners try to give one another the impression that they are not trying to be right, and yet try to find creative ways to impose their opinions on the other person. This means they ignore the other person’s points of view even when they have a lot of merits.
What you can do:
The easy answer is honesty.
In the big picture, it doesn’t make a difference whether you explicitly announce that you are right or try to find sneaky ways of reaching your “I told you so” moment. If you want happiness and peace in your relationship, you have to honestly seek resolution. You have to be prepared to tell your ego to calm down and be graceful when you turn out to be correct. You have to be grateful for your partner’s insights when you learn you were wrong.
A relationship can thrive only if both partners want to find the facts together and are glad to agree with the other person then they are right.
4 — Not asking the right questions
Or, speaking without listening.
In close liaison with the first point of putting action, reaction, and conclusion within a tight frame, obsessing on your own points of view means neglecting all the details in your partner’s mind. I see this especially in young couples that they don’t consider asking questions to make sure they are understanding each other properly.
How did that make you feel? Is there something I did or said that was particularly hurtful? Am I misunderstanding something? — these are the kind of questions that need to be asked during an argument.
What you can do:
Don’t assume you’ve understood everything. Also, don’t assume whatever headline you have heard from your partner is the whole story. Get to the bottom of the matter — being affectionate, not investigative.
Put your feelings on hold for a little bit and truly give the other person space to fully express themselves. A lot of times simply being heard takes the anger away.
5 — Claiming ‘real estate’ in disagreements
We should know better, yet somehow too many of us tend to act as if the more we say and the louder we say it, the better the chances of something being true.
Anyone trapped in this bubble of immaturity needs a reawakening.
Talking a lot usually means not listening enough. Talking too loud usually means the speaker is (at least subconsciously) aware of the weakness of their points and feels compelled to make up for that with sheer volume.
Relationships don’t work well when apathy and fragile ego are at play.
What you can do:
It’s simple. The previous points take care of this automatically.
When you genuinely want to know why the other person feels the way they feel, when you try to see things from their point of view and avoid snap judgments, and put off the need to be right, you’re clear.
Your words will become measured, your tone humble.
. . .
To do better, to be better partners, and to avoid trivial conflicts we first need to come to terms with having faults. There’s no shame in admitting that. We are supposed to have flaws, but we should also be working on them.
Look at them as rooms for improvement.
More often than not, if we are willing to ask ourselves honestly, answers to our problems are quite simple. And right in front of us.
—
This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want a deeper connection with our community, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Unsplash