As a writer on love and relationships, I unpack the glamorous and ugly aspects of relationships drawn from my experiences and others. The most fulfilling and incredible part of my writing is when readers pour their hearts out to me. Although each one tells a different version of their story, there’s always a common thread:
I am single and lonely. How can I attract and maintain love?
No one was born to live alone. And yet loneliness continues to ravage our lives like a plague. Contrary to what you might think, finding your soul mate isn’t hard. The key is to identify the mistakes, habits, and attitudes that block the flow of love in your life.
If you’re single and lonely, you might be guilty of one of the following dangerous mistakes. But if you eliminate them, you’ll clear the path for love to find its way to you and usher in your soulmate.
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1. You Don’t Put Yourself out There.
Ever listened to couples talk about the first time they met? It’s fascinating how many weird ways people connect. One guy told me he met his wife at the pediatrician’s office where they’d taken their kids. They now have 36 years of marriage under their belt.
Lovers meet and connect in places and forums. The person you want won’t fall from the sky or come knocking on your door. If your routine is work and home, you’re probably never going to meet that special someone. You’ve got to put yourself out there.
Most importantly, go to places where the type and quality of the lover you want goes to. My friend Sean wants to meet someone, yet he only hangs out at bars. The problem is, he wants to meet a decent, classy girl who’s willing to commit. I doubt he’ll meet the kind of girl he wants there. Maybe like Sean, you’re looking, but in the wrong places.
Sure, people can connect at pubs but you’re better off hanging out in a different atmosphere. Booze has a way of distorting people’s character. Do you want that? I suggest signing up for dating sites, enrolling in the gym, or joining a cooking class. You’ll be amazed at how many other singles are ready to mingle.
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2. You Turn Your Dates Into Epic Fails.
Not everybody has a problem meeting someone. Some people attract potential dates easily, while others take years before meeting someone interested in them. My pal June is such a person. She attracts men like bees to a flower. And yet, most of her connections never make it past the first date.
If you’re still single despite meeting potential lovers, you might want to take a closer look at how you behave on dates. A date can make or break any chances of the connection developing into a relationship because it’s the first chance your lover has to get a glimpse of your character.
A date is like the wrapping of a gift.
How you showcase it shows your potential lover the preciousness of what you can offer in a relationship. And yet, surprisingly, so many people mess up on dates. Instead of looking at it as a chance to “sell” themselves, they slack and then wonder why they never get second dates.
If this has happened to you, check yourself to ascertain if you’re guilty of these misdemeanors:
- You talk about yourself endlessly.
While it’s important to let your potential lover understand who you are and how you live your life, making it all about you is a sure-fire way to repel them because it signifies that you’re self-absorbed and aren’t willing to know the other person.
- You’re over the top.
Trying too hard to impress the other person is a sign of insecurity. You come across as a fake. It’s a turnoff and can make your potential lover lose interest fast. Nobody is attracted to a fake.
- You take the plunge way too fast.
Do you declare your absolute love and devotion to your date even before they’ve had a chance to let their feelings for you simmer? Now you know you never hear from them.
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3. You Try To Play God.
What would you think of your lover if he gave you 10K to do a boob-job without you asking for it? I know a guy who did this. He’s still single. Not surprising. This is just one example — which is perhaps extreme — of how people try to change others. It never works.
Are you enforcing your religious beliefs on your lover? Making them drop or take up hobbies for your convenience? Changing their circle of friends? Or, dictating how they should spend their free time? You’ll continue to drown in the waters of singlehood if you’re always trying to change your lover.
If you are, it’s because you have a preconceived notion of what a perfect partner looks like, so you’re trying to mold your lover to fit your vision. You’re shooting yourself on the foot because you can never change someone else, and even if you would, it’d be short-lived.
Your lover will stick around when you accept them as they are. If accepting them as they are, feels too big a compromise on your part, you’re better off choosing someone who is not so different from you.
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4. You Prioritize Other People’s Opinions Over Yours.
You didn’t fall from the skies. You came from people. It’s only natural to consider their opinions on your life’s choices, especially in dating and marriage. But there’s a thin line between seeking advice from parents, siblings, or friends and handing over the controls of your love life.
Advice is always welcome but what makes your relationship thrive boils down to what you and your lover agree on. I learned this years ago. No matter how many people tried to fix my marriage as it crumbled, their advice couldn’t hold because my ex-husband and I were on a totally different page.
When you care too much about what others say about your lover, you stop becoming objective about what you want out of your relationship and how you want it to evolve. Your parents, siblings, and friends may have the best intentions for you, but the strategies that work in their relationship may not work for yours.
You and your lover are independent people with distinct personalities, wants, and ambitions. Don’t let others paint you with the same brush they paint themselves with.
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5. You’re Still Entangled in Drama From the Past.
If you’ve ever gone through a heartbreak, you know how hard it is to separate past drama from a current relationship. Your boyfriend comes home late, and you tell yourself he’s been out with Macy, that hot chick in his office because your ex did the same.
If you’re still single, check to see that you aren’t still entangled in the drama from your past relationship. Then find a way to deal with it; otherwise, it’ll continue to follow you like a shadow. Asking yourself these questions can help you get unstuck:
Have I transcended the pain of the past relationship or am I likely to judge my lover based on that?
Have I developed healthy self-esteem, or do I risk repeating the cycle that broke my previous relationship?
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6. You Self-Sabotage.
Perhaps you think other people are the reasons why you can’t find love. You tell yourself that you’re always attracting losers, that your lovers are only interested in your money, or that they never want to commit. And while there might be a sliver of truth in these, you need to realize that you’re the common denominator in all these relationship issues.
You may have a significant role to play in the breakups than you wish to admit. Because of your personality or history, you might be sabotaging the very thing you say you want. Self-sabotaging in relationships is when you’re trying to make your relationship fall apart subconsciously or consciously.
You push your lover away because you don’t feel worthy of their love. This behavior stems from low self-esteem according to clinical psychologist Maggie Dancel. If your reasons for self-sabotaging are centered around your relationship, couples therapy can help.
But if they stem from much deeper personal issues, I suggest trying individualized therapy to unmask the layers of your experiences that might be manifesting in your relationships.
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Begin Doing This To Attract Your Soulmate.
Carve out an hour today, dress up, wear your favorite perfume and go to that one place where the person you’d like to be with hangs out: Gym, Yoga class, Cooking class, painting class, or even a fancy restaurant. Sign up for dating sites. Yes, Tinder works!
If you’re lucky to get a date, treat it with the care it deserves. Fully embrace your lover for who they are. Learn to self-reflect often to ensure you’re not entangled with drama from your past relationship. When you do this, love will find its way to you. You deserve to find someone to share your life with. You’re not meant to be alone.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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