“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
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When I got married 10 years ago, I thought I knew it all. I loved the guy (still do) and it seemed like the next logical step in our lives together. It was the right decision.
That doesn’t mean I haven’t spent 10 years agonizing over it.
I, like so many bright-eyed, fluffy-tailed younglings who had yet to experience real life, held an ideal of what marriage should be. I saw my parents’ excellent marriage and assumed that it would be exactly the same. I also assumed that I would meet the man of my dreams, there would be fireworks, we’d fall in love montage-style, get married, and have like, 11 babies.
And for a while, my early dating life seemed like it was heading in that direction. My first boyfriend out of high school was (is) a wonderful man — he had so much love to give.
But, like so many first relationships, the stars hadn’t quite aligned.
I drifted a bit after that. Then I dated another great guy who wasn’t “the one” either, and I drifted even harder. I dated some more guys, all of which ultimately lead to dead ends.
Next up: my husband. Words I recall using to describe him back then were something like “cocky,” “stubborn,” and “asshole.” Needless to say, I was no fan girl.
He grew on me, though. It was little things at first: the way he treated his cat, for instance. The fact that he didn’t like to put on a macho front when he was around other men. That he wasn’t afraid to speak his mind, even when people didn’t like what he said.
And he always made people stop and think. He still does.
Marrying him was an easy decision, but our relationship isn’t always smooth. We love each other and can’t deny that love, but we are so very different. It’s that difference in character and temperament that has caused me to wail inwardly about my marriage at times. I worried that it was doomed to fail.
But we made a commitment. We said vows — vows that mattered to us. And we’re in this thing, come hell or high water, because ultimately, we continue to love the snot out of each other.
And it works. A big part of why it works is the rules.
The rules are simple. So simple, in fact, that you might just think I’m an imbecile for even writing this, but these rules can save a marriage.
These rules could save your marriage.
#1 — Talk
I know.
Duh. Of course your marriage needs open communication in order for it to work. But what I’m talking about here is the kind of “talk” that doesn’t involve your relationship.
Or your kids. Or your work. Or your house or finances.
I’m talking about the kind of talk you had on those great first dates. Remember those? Staying at the restaurant until closing time because you both have so much to say to each other?
That’s the kind of talk I’m talking about.
Being able to have actual conversations about things outside of your relationship and daily life is pretty vital to keeping your marriage alive. One day, those kids (if you have them) will move out. You’ll both retire. You’ll spend your days very differently than you do now.
Wouldn’t it be great if you could look across the breakfast table and start up an easy conversation? If you could still laugh at his dad jokes and he could still find your giggle-snort endearing?
Talk to each other. It’s worth the effort.
#2 — Trust (and Be Trustworthy)
Albert Einstein once said, “whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.”
I think he’s right, which isn’t surprising; the guy was known for being a pretty smart fellah. But trust is so vital in a relationship that it won’t function without it — even the smallest issues can lead to mistrust on a grander scale.
Your phone, for instance. If you are married (and intend to stay that way) there’s a pretty good chance that there’s nothing to worry about on your little personal computer, so there’s no reason to hide it. My husband knows how to get into my phone, email, and finances, and it’s fine with me. I know his info, too.
Before you get all protective of your data and leave here thinking I’m nuts, here’s one more little tidbit — we don’t snoop on each other, even though we can.
Why? Because we have grown to trust each other so implicitly, so fully, that we don’t feel the urge to do so. That doesn’t mean we’ve always been so trusting and trustworthy, however; I know I felt great mistrust early on and it had nothing to do with him. I don’t know why, but trusting others has never come naturally to me, and I’ve always had a massive fear of abandonment. Trust, for me as well as so many others, is tricky.
Trust is a strange concept; the tiniest lie can manifest and fester into a giant pile of mistrust, and that steaming pile can destroy even the strongest relationship. Even little lies, such as what you spent your money on or your true feelings about your husband’s decor choices, will plant seeds of doubt.
Here’s the thing with seeds: under the right conditions, they grow.
We all tell little white lies, of course. Society is built on those lies. But your partner in life deserves to know the You that no one else knows; the You that smiles politely at a friend’s crazy dating choices; the You that pretends to admire an acquaintance’s scary porcelain doll collection. Your partner should know your true feelings — he should know the real you, even if no one else does.
If you’ve chosen right, the real you should be safe with your spouse and sometimes, that little bubble of safety can take time to build together. It doesn’t always come easy, but it’s so important to build it; to avoid watering those little seeds of doubt.
Because without trust, your relationship will suffer. End of story.
#3 — The Value of Shit Tests and Disagreements
Not to brag, but I am an expert shit-tester.
A “shit test,” if you’re unfamiliar with the term, is generally something women do in relationships more often than men — although I know I’ve been shit-tested as well from time to time.
Disclaimer: I am not talking about manipulating, abusing, lying to or gaslighting your partner. Don’t be a douche. None of that toxic behaviour is allowed in a shit test.
To keep matters simple: a shit test merely involves pushing your partner’s buttons a bit to test their level of confidence, competence, and patience (to name a few — shit tests are endless.) The funny thing is, most of us have no idea we’re even doling out a shit test when we’re doing it, so when you realize that you are, tread carefully.
Why is it important? I know, given the last little blurb about trust this seems counterintuitive. But it’s still important, especially with men, to establish boundaries and stoicism and to see how much “shit” they can take before they get angry or upset.
Because kids are, well, a lot. They’ll try anyone’s patience and, while this is an unpopular thing to say in our current culture, men and women are not the same. Men are, in general, more easily driven to aggression when they are excessively prodded, so it’s important for a woman to find a partner who is emotionally stable and safe for the potential of future children with him. So ask tough questions. Offer tough scenarios. Then, shut up and listen.
You can learn a lot when you listen.
Beyond that, it’s important for you to be tough with your partner. If your marriage is a healthy one, you will each be continually teaching each other and growing as individuals. You need to be someone who will stand up for what’s right, and sometimes that will mean you need to contend with your own partner.
I’m a huge supporter of arguments in marriages, which, on the surface, sounds weird. But arguing, and being someone your partner can engage with, are vital for a strong relationship. I don’t care how serene your relationship is — two people who never have a difference of opinion simply do not exist.
Arguing deepens your understanding of each other; it strengthens your bond. It also helps you and your spouse grow together, as individuals and in your love.
#4 — Take Care Of Each Other
I know a few couples who have had their fair (and sometimes unfair) share of health struggles; the best relationships are ones that push through together.
From physical to mental to emotional well-being, you likely uttered some vows that cover this area. The general consensus is to just be there. Don’t disappear on your spouse when things get tough, and never let them feel abandoned the moment they become even a little bit inconvenient.
In my marriage, emotional and mental health issues have crept up more often than physical ailments. Not to mention addiction. I’m not ashamed of this; I’ve spoken about it multiple times.
My husband had every right to leave me during those years. Every. Right.
But he never did. He came close a few times; he’s human. But he never left and when I asked him why he didn’t, he just reminded me about our vows. He reminded me about how important we both felt they were and how important it was to keep our relationship healthy for our child (at that point, we had just one.)
He also reminded me that even at my worst, he remembered that my best was still in there.
Now obviously, if there’s abuse of any kind in your relationship, you aren’t expected to uphold your vows. But if your marriage is otherwise safe and healthy, be there for your partner. The goal should be to grow old together; to love each other and be kind to each other.
Take care of each other — it’s so stinkin’ simple.
#5 — Share Basic Core Values
When I got married, I knew what to expect from our lives together.
Well. I guess I didn’t know exactly what to expect — I’m no clairvoyant. But we’d discussed our future plans at length before we said our “I do’s.” We knew that we wanted at least one child together. We knew we wanted a relatively traditional family; we’d even figured out what holidays and traditions mattered and what didn’t.
As our marriage matured, we both turned to the church and our faith became another value that we leaned on. Our political beliefs have shifted over time, but we’ve remained on the same page about how we wanted to raise our kids and how we approached our relationship.
Our values have always been pivotal in how we rule our lives, and that’s how it should be. You can hold different beliefs — maybe you think Die Hard is a Christmas movie and your spouse doesn’t. But what fundamentally matters is how you approach your lives, and what beliefs will shape your future.
Those deeply rooted beliefs and values have to be in sync for a marriage to flourish.
#6 — Practice True Intimacy
I’m not talking about sex, per se.
A person’s sexual desire varies greatly and there are many happy marriages that have a wide range of frequency when it comes to sex. Some people are only happy if they’re having sex a few times a week or more, while others happily go years without it, so telling a married couple that they should have a certain amount of sex is pointless.
What I mean by intimacy is just that — intimacy.
The term “intimacy” can and does include “sexual intercourse,” but as we all know, sex and intimacy don’t have to go hand in hand. The true definition of intimacy involves descriptors such as “warm,” “understanding,” and “affection,” so that should give you an idea of what true intimacy actually is.
It’s that closeness that only a married or seasoned couple really experience, and it’s something that you should actively practice.
Simple things, like a warm embrace first thing in the morning, or making your partner’s coffee just the way you know they like it, or snuggling on the couch while watching your weekly drama, are acts of true intimacy that can go a long way.
When it comes to a more sexual experience, however, I would suggest that you should understand each other’s sexual needs early on as well as throughout your relationship, because while intimacy isn’t ALL about sex, it’s still a very important part of marriage.
The statistics on whether sex plays a significant factor in divorce are all over the place (due to the aforementioned sexual differences from person to person) but to assume a sexless marriage is a happy one would probably be a mistake.
Just don’t forget about true intimacy. It matters, too.
#7 — Laugh. Like, A Lot
My husband is a doofus and I love him all the more it.
I am a serious person. Probably too serious, actually, despite my lighthearted way of writing. I’m in my head 95% of the time and I internalize everything in my life.
Sure; I can fake it. I’m really good at faking it, actually. In a social setting, I can fit in and you’d have no idea that I was sweating.
But if you looked inside my head while I’m smiling and joking with the people around me, you would find anxiety, self-doubt, and maybe a touch of neurosis. Privately, I’m quiet and introspective and honestly, that can be too much for a partner — it has been, historically.
But my husband is unphased by this darkness.
He happily makes up songs about things like toast and sings them while he’s making his snack. He has a deep well of horrid dad-jokes. He goes out of his way to make me smile and roll my eyes, and I love that. It makes me comfortable and makes me stop taking myself so damned seriously.
Hopefully you have someone in your life like I do who makes you laugh — a lot. It’s important to have fun in life, and when you’re a serious brooder like I am, that can be hard to find on your own.
Find someone who can make you giggle. It’s healthy and will breathe new life into your relationship every day.
Marriage: A Combination of Two Things
Marriage is described as many things, but one of its definitions is that it’s a combination of two things, or in this case, two individuals.
Two individuals united as a team for life. Those are some big britches to fill! It can be overwhelming for many, and that’s why it’s helpful to understand these basic rules. They’re so seemingly obvious, but they could save your marriage.
Love can be easy; many people find that it’s as easy as breathing. But sometimes it’s hard, and it often takes work — and that’s okay. Hopefully, these guidelines can help those hard parts become just a little bit softer.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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