This ADHD Life Hack Saved My Relationship

I cannot tell when something is over.

I have ADHD (Adult attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder). My ADHD causes me to struggle with time management.

It predominantly affects me in conversations when the other person stops talking. This issue has recently appeared in my current relationship.

My partner also has ADHD.

In conversations, he tends to go silent.

I cannot tell if he is pausing or done speaking, resulting in me speaking as soon as he begins talking again. Either that or I will jump in too soon, causing him to lose his thought and forget what he said.

His ADHD makes it easier for him to lose what he is saying. As colorful as this tends to make our communication, it became a problem.

…

When my partner takes his long pauses, he does it because his ADHD causes him to shut down and go silent once he gets too stimulated.

Before I knew this, I would get confused and frustrated as my mind started racing. The longer the silence, the more my ADHD went into overdrive. My rejection sensitivity would kick in. Then, we would argue.

He explained to me that being quiet was one way he displayed his ADHD. He was not ignoring me. He needed a moment to process what he was feeling and what was said.

I started getting used to these moments of silence. Now, the issue was when I should speak. So, I came up with a strategy.

I started counting to fifteen.

…

I started testing it out a month ago.

He was opening up to me about something personal when he stopped talking. He was saying a lot at once and talking in large chunks. When he stopped, I did not know if he was processing or finished.

I wanted to respond; I did not want to cut him off and cause him to forget his words. So, I decided to try something new, counting to fifteen.

I chose the number 15 because it felt long enough to give the other person a real sense of time to continue but not so much that things get awkward, which can happen to people with ADHD when left in silence for too long.

I watched him while I started counting in my head. When I got to the number 10, he resumed talking. I was shocked that it worked. When it happened again, he got to 13 before speaking again.

He was able to finish his sentence without interruption. I gained more confidence in my ability to be easier to talk to — in the sense of not constantly interrupting people accidentally.

…

What if I get to fifteen and he still is not saying anything?

I would ask him if he has more to say.

I prefer that to

“Are you done/done yet?”

which can seem aggressive or dismissive, especially to someone with ADHD. We both struggle with rejection sensitivity.

The better approach is to ask if there is more to say. It gives a person time to check in to see if there is more to offer the conversation.

But to answer that question: I have never had to ask.

So far, so good.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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