This Is for the Men We Love

Before you continue, I want to make one thing clear: today, I’m not here to write about the bad leaders who make headlines, the men who’ve done harm, or the countries where women are still being oppressed today. I’m also not here to discuss women’s rights or our past and present struggles—those are topics for another day.

Instead, I want to take a moment to acknowledge the good men in our lives. The ones who support us, who work tirelessly, and who carry their burdens so quietly that we might not even be aware.

Why Am I Writing This?

Recently, I had a beautiful, eye-opening realization about the struggles men face today. I saw how so many good men, eager to give their best to their families, feel weighed down by pressures they rarely feel comfortable talking about. Often, they carry what feels like the weight of the world while also feeling like they’re never doing quite enough. Because they don’t speak about their stresses, they often proceed without enough support or acknowledgment. Seeing this so clearly made me want to share my perspective—the perspective of a woman—to help others see and appreciate the silent battles our good men fight every day.

Stereotypes and Their Impact on Men

Too often, we’ve made the mistake of assuming that if some men act badly, all men must think and behave the same way. This doesn’t seem to happen as often with women. For example, while there are women who may act unkindly or manipulate situations, we generally don’t judge all women by their actions. But men often face this broad-brush judgment, and it’s something we need to reconsider.

Stereotype threat—the fear of being judged or treated according to a negative stereotype—affects men deeply. If a man constantly hears that “men are selfish” or “men are aggressive,” it’s easy for him to internalize that belief, or at least fear being judged by it. This can cause real harm in how they see themselves and act.

Violence, Stress, and the Unseen Burden

The reality is that men are overrepresented in violent acts, including wars and crimes like domestic violence. Read that again: most violent crimes are committed by men. How does that feel? I ask because these crimes are not being committed by all men; they are being committed by a small percentage of men. Yet, all too often, all men carry the guilt for these crimes, which is neither fair nor accurate.

I recently attended an event where a male singer was performing an improvised song while playing the handpan. As the melody unfolded, he began to sing words—raw and unfiltered. His beautiful voice filled the room with a plea: “Women, please forgive us for all the damage and violence we, men, have ever done to you. Please, forgive us…” He went on and on. The words struck me hard. I froze. My eyes filled with tears.

“No,” I wanted to say. “It wasn’t your fault. You are a kind, caring man. You don’t need to carry the blame for the actions of others—many of which happened long ago, in a far different time.”

In that moment, I realized how deeply our men often carry the weight of collective guilt. As a woman, I am aware of the cruelty some women have inflicted—on their husbands, their children, even the world. But I’ve never felt the need to apologize for their actions, because I know that’s not who I am. Yet our good men feel this weight, and I saw it so clearly that day.

The Silent Toll of Stress

Men don’t live as long as women, on average. This is due to many factors, including the fact that men are often pulled into violent pursuits like careers in the military, law enforcement, or security. But perhaps even more dangerous to men than violence is the stress that many men carry and carry badly.

In our modern society, the invisible pressures of stress are a silent enemy that takes many good men. This is not to diminish the stress that women experience, but the statistics suggest that stress is much more dangerous for men.

The Reality of Suicide Among Men

For instance, did you know that men are far more likely to die by suicide than women—in fact, they’re four times more likely? Suicide is one of the leading causes of death for men under 50 in many countries. In the United States, the suicide rate for men is significantly higher than for women. According to the CDC, in 2019, the suicide rate for men was 22.4 per 100,000, compared to 5.6 per 100,000 for women. Men in middle age, particularly those between the ages of 45-54, are especially vulnerable. Why are these numbers so high?

The Hidden Weight of Chronic Stress

Stress, as anyone who’s experienced it knows, can be relentless. Today’s men face it in levels comparable to wartime stress, but with one key difference—it’s chronic, hidden, and seemingly never-ending. Unlike wartime stress, which was intense and situational, modern stress doesn’t let up. Wartime trauma certainly left many men scarred for life, but today’s stressors—from societal pressures and financial responsibilities to career demands and the constant expectation of success—are ongoing. This relentless, everyday stress leaves many men feeling overwhelmed, with no hope of relief in sight.

Perhaps this is why more men than women die by suicide. Men are often raised to be strong, stoic, and self-reliant. They’re taught to hide their emotions, which leads to isolation when they struggle. Instead of seeking help, they bottle up their pain, deepening their emotional crises. Additionally, men tend to use more lethal methods when attempting suicide, making survival less likely.

Cultural Pressures and Their Effect on Men

Societies that place strict limits on men’s emotional expression tend to have higher rates of suicide. In my home country, Estonia, where male stoicism is deeply ingrained, the suicide rates for men are among the highest in high-income countries.

Think about the good men you know—friends, husbands, boyfriends. They strive every day to succeed and provide for their families, often in silence. Some are in perfect health, fit and strong, yet find themselves battling heart problems or worse. A close friend of mine, at the age of 30, fell into a deep depression while trying to balance a full-time job, a young family, and a house under construction. Despite doing everything “right,” the weight of it all became too much. He ended up falling into deep stress. I also knew a man who took his own life after severe stress and business failure. From the outside, everything seemed perfect. But behind closed doors, he felt immense shame and couldn’t bring himself to ask for help.

Why Don’t Men Seek Help?

John Gray, in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, explains that when men talk about their problems, they often do so to generate energy and adrenaline. Discussing a problem raises their stress levels, which can help build momentum to face and resolve the issue. However, many men lack strong, supportive communities where they feel safe sharing their struggles. Instead of reaching out, they tend to bottle things up, particularly when dealing with multiple stressors. The weight of several challenges can become overwhelming, and talking about them sometimes makes these problems feel even more real and impossible to handle.

The Pressure to Provide and “Hold It Together”

From my own experience and conversations with men, I know this difference runs deep. We, as women, have countless ways to express our emotions and seek support. But many men, even today, feel that admitting they need emotional support is a sign of weakness. They often don’t have the same safe spaces to talk about their fears and insecurities. As a result, they carry the weight of their stress silently, feeling that they must “hold it all together” for everyone around them.

In the days of cavemen, the role of men was clear—they had to hunt, provide food, and protect their families from immediate dangers like predators or rival tribes. It was about survival, and once the food was secured or the threat eliminated, the stress had a natural endpoint. But today’s men face a different kind of challenge. The modern “hunt” is no longer just about survival but about meeting never-ending societal expectations—providing more food, affording a nicer car, a bigger house, a better career. The pressure to constantly achieve more is relentless, with no clear “finish line” in sight.

This constant need to provide more creates a cycle of stress. Men push themselves hard, not necessarily because their families demand it, but because society has shaped them to believe their worth is tied to how much they can achieve and provide. In the process, many sacrifice their own health and well-being, carrying the burden of success in silence, believing it’s their role to endure without asking for help.

So, We Should Let Our Men Cry More… Or Should We?

Let’s talk about tears for a moment. Once, during a conversation about expressing emotions, I suggested that perhaps men should allow themselves to cry more often. My partner asked me why I thought men were reluctant to cry. I suggested it was because they felt uncomfortable expressing their emotions. Then he asked how I would feel if we were on a long flight, hit by harsh turbulence, and he started crying. In that moment, I realized—it’s his calm, reassuring smile that makes me feel safe during turbulence, whether on a plane or in life.

This highlights a paradox: we often say it’s okay for men to cry, to let it out, but in truly stressful situations, we expect them to stay calm and strong for us. If they do cry, we tend to think, “This must be really bad.” So, what we really mean is, “Please, cry sometimes, let it all out! But… only when it’s safe!” While we encourage men to be open, we also rely on them to keep it together when times are tough. As a result, men often reserve their tears for rare, safe moments, knowing they’re expected to stay strong.

Interestingly, men fear their own tears just as much as they fear women’s tears. When they see tears in a woman’s eyes, some want to flee, others freeze, and many will do whatever it takes to stop them. It’s comforting for us to see them act this way—rushing to make things better—but sometimes, knowingly or unknowingly, tears can become a tool. I’ve seen situations where, in the middle of an argument, the man might be right, but as soon as the woman starts crying, the argument is over. He can’t say anything more, and it’s as if the conversation has been won.

While this doesn’t happen all the time, there’s a delicate, unspoken power dynamic at play when emotions run high. And perhaps, if we’re honest, many of us women can admit that in some situations, our tears—born from vulnerability—can shift into a quiet form of strength.

The Heartache of Divorce and Custody Battles

There are few things more emotionally devastating than the loss of a relationship and, for many men, the battle for custody. These struggles can bring even the strongest men to tears.

I’ve sat across from many good men, eyes wet with unshed tears, telling me they just want to see their kids again. A few months ago, I met a man still in the middle of a bitter custody battle for his three children. As we spoke, he shared how his ex-wife had slowly pushed him out of their lives, using legal means and emotional manipulation. The hardest part, he told me, was that after spending so much time with their mother, his children now believed her side of the story. They didn’t want to speak with him anymore, convinced that he was the one who had abandoned them.

His prayer now is that one day, they’ll change their minds and see the truth of what happened.

I’ve seen this heartbreaking scenario play out more than once. Another friend lost his child in a similar battle, and his son grew up thinking that his father had willingly left. Now, years later, even as an adult, it’s difficult for him to see the other side of the story. It’s hard to change what’s in your heart after believing something for so many years—especially when that means questioning the person you’ve trusted most, your mother.

It’s often said that men move on after divorce, leaving their ex-wives to raise the children alone. While this does happen, maybe too often, we rarely talk about the good men who lose their children and feel powerless against vindictive ex-partners, unscrupulous lawyers, and a family court system that sometimes favors mothers. These systems were designed to protect women who truly lost everything, but today, some women abuse them, hurting men who want to stay involved in their children’s lives. I’ve met too many fathers who live with this pain every day, and the tragedy extends to their children, who lose out on the relationship with a loving parent.

Why bring this up? Because, once again, good men are suffering for the actions of bad ones. As a result, both fathers and their children suffer from the loss of a relationship that should never have been broken.

Putting Children First

I could go on with stories like these. Every divorce is different, and while in some cases it’s justified for one parent to lose custody, the truth is that more often the best thing for most children is to have both parents in their lives. But too frequently, divorce turns into a bitter power struggle—a game of who wins. And sadly, some partners are so focused on hurting their exes that they are willing to harm their children to do so. While an honorable and healthy divorce can and should improve conditions for the children of the marriage, too often the children are made to suffer.

I’ve seen how different things can be when both parents decide to put their children first. When my ex-husband and I divorced, we made a very strong deal: no matter what, we would always put our kids first. Not our own pain, not the sadness of the process, not the financial side—just the kids. And because we did that, we have proof that it changes everything. Our children, despite going through a sad situation, don’t carry trauma from it. Instead, they know they are loved and important. They’ve seen that even in tough times, things can be handled with care and love.

The Balance Between Masculine and Feminine Energy

Why do we have such a high divorce rate? There are many reasons why relationships can break down, but today, I want to focus on one that I believe carries a lot of weight—when the balance between masculine and feminine energy is lost.

We, as women, face our own challenges in today’s changing world. We often feel the need to be very independent, self-sufficient, and strong, which can cause us to lean too much into our masculine energy. But while this independence is important to us, it can unintentionally leave our partners feeling unnecessary or unappreciated. For many men, feeling needed is at the core of their identity and purpose, so this shift can be confusing.

It’s a slippery and complicated road—because when that imbalance sets in, both partners start to drift from their natural strengths. The man feels less needed, and the woman may feel she’s not receiving the support and care she craves. With each step, they support each other less, and the balance drifts further out of reach.

But when we get this balance right, the most beautiful things happen. Women can feel supported, noticed, and appreciated for who they are, while men, in turn, are eager to work hard for the women they love. Often, all they need is love, care, and a little appreciation. When we find that balance, everything becomes possible.

Understanding the Evolution Gap

So, what is the solution? John Gray’s explanation makes it clear that pushing our men to share more with us might actually increase their stress. It feels like a trap—wanting to connect with them emotionally, but also understanding that it could make things worse. So what has caused all this, and how can we, as women, help?

In the past, men’s roles were more straightforward—they were hunters and protectors, tasked with providing food and safety for their families. Their challenges were immediate, situational, and had clear resolutions. But today’s world is vastly different. Our men aren’t just hunting for food; they’re navigating endless societal expectations, career pressures, and the demand to constantly succeed. Their stress isn’t short-term like it used to be; it’s constant, and our men feel like they can’t afford to show any weakness.

This is what my partner, Eric Edmeades, refers to as the Evolution Gap—the mismatch between our ancient biology and the overwhelming complexity of the modern world. Men are biologically wired to handle short bursts of stress, but the continuous pressure they face now is something they were never designed for.

How Can We Help?

So, how can we help bridge this gap? The answer might not be in pushing them to share more, but in creating a space where they feel valued and supported without the pressure to always perform or be the strong one. Sometimes, it’s about recognizing their efforts without asking for anything more. Acknowledging the heavy burdens they carry—both seen and unseen—can help lighten their load. It’s about standing beside them, offering silent support, and showing that we see them.

We can also encourage them to find healthier ways to release stress—whether through physical activity, spending time outdoors, or giving them moments to disconnect from work and life pressures. Sometimes, all they need is the warmth of a hug or quiet moments of connection with the woman they love. It’s not about forcing emotional conversations but respecting their nature and allowing them to recharge in ways that suit them. By doing this, we help them navigate that gap, creating a balance where they feel strong, supported, and never alone.

Here Is My Call to You, My Sisters

Now, my call to you, my sisters. If you have a good man in your life—whether it’s your partner, father, brother, or friend—take a moment to reflect. Does he know he’s valued and seen? Do you show him not just appreciation, but genuine respect for what he brings into your life? Respect goes deeper than actions—it’s about recognizing who he is and how much he matters.

Does he know that we, as women, admire the effort he makes to improve our lives? Do you remind him that his role is important, that he is needed? Men often thrive when they feel they have a purpose—whether it’s providing, protecting, or simply being there for emotional support. When they know they are needed, it gives them strength and fulfillment.

So today, take that extra moment. Show him that he is not only appreciated but truly respected for all he does and all he is.

A Sense of Mission and Brotherhood

Beyond feeling needed, does he have a sense of mission? Men often connect deeply with their goals—whether personal, professional, or spiritual. They are driven by purpose, a need to pursue something meaningful. As women, we can support and encourage that drive, helping them stay connected to the things that inspire them.

But it’s not just about the mission; men also thrive on connection with other men. Having good male friends or a community where they feel understood and supported is vital. Whether it’s for advice, shared experiences, or simply to bond, men need that space. Encouraging these connections allows them to feel grounded and supported in their journey, both by their partners and their peers.

Take the Next Step

If you haven’t done so yet—take the first step today.

If you have, ask yourself: have you done it enough? Is there anything else he needs to hear?

Or maybe you feel like you’ve given a lot but haven’t received the appreciation you deserve in return, and that can make it hard to give more. Sometimes, that can be a trap, too. But if that’s the case, be the one to take the next step. Even when it feels like you’ve already given so much, doing more—taking that bigger step—can be the hardest part. Yet, once you stop overthinking and decide to take that leap, you’ll find each step forward becomes easier. And if you have a good man in your life, the rewards may be greater than you ever imagined.

In Conclusion: Balance and Support

This isn’t about whose life is harder or who struggles more. It’s about balance—about recognizing the good men in our lives and offering them the support they might hesitate to ask for. It’s about understanding that while we possess our own incredible strength, we also share the responsibility of creating a balanced, healthy relationship. When we acknowledge the dance between the masculine and feminine, we can lift each other up in ways that make us all stronger.

I’d Love to Hear Your Stories

As you read this, did someone come to mind? Whether it’s your partner, father, brother, or friend, have you seen them quietly carry the weight of stress, responsibilities, or unspoken emotions? Share their story or your own in the comments below. Let’s create a space where we can reflect, share, and support one another with empathy and understanding. By sharing your voice, you might just help someone else feel less alone.

Previously Published on Medium

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