This Is the Problem With Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love is defined as;

affection without any limitations, or love without conditions.

Meaning, there is nothing they can say or do that will change the capacity of love you feel toward them, or show them. There is no condition in which you will not give up on loving someone.

When you look at it this way, unconditional love is inherently toxic because it opens us up to abuse, and manipulation and makes us a valuable source of supply for narcissists.

It pushes us to our limits and sometimes over the edge; and can be downright all-consuming and all-encompassing. Through unconditional love, it is easy to lose ourselves.

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We’re either craving it or running from it

Whenever we’re not chasing it.

And it is for this reason unconditional love has a defining place in all of our lives. In fact, some of you reading this are either avoiding getting into serious relationships (while dating around or being in hermit mode),

in relationships that you are refusing to “give up” on because of how much love you have for them and the time you’ve put into, loving them.

The perfect example of this is in the highly publicized relationship between rapper Blueface and his artist/girlfriend Chriseanrock.

(I’m aware Blueface is a narcissist but it’s Chriean’s jaded view of love and her refusal to leave him that got them placed in this article today.)

These two have put their hands on each other, cheated on one another, and engaged in too many toxic behaviors to list right now.

Blueface has broken up with Chrisean on more than one occasion but she refuses to accept the breakup and refuses to leave, herself.

The main feature of unconditional love is this notion of ”not giving up” on someone we love which usually translates to us literally not leaving the people we should have left, a long time ago.

Yet, in spite of all these truths, we still crave the experience of being loved unconditionally because the cold hard truth is that in spite of how it may or may not be executed, the love we’re looking for is actually toxic.

Technically.

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Let’s talk about a mother’s love

A mother’s love is a notorious example of unconditional love and is the closest many of us will get to experience it during this short life we’re given. In fact, the two quotes come to mind when describing it,

No one will love you like your mother.

and,

There’s nothing like a mother’s love.

And, in my case, this saying is true.

My mother’s love has been my greatest experience of unconditional love and I would be lying if I said there weren’t times that I look back and wonder how she still loved me through it.

Through my own failures as a daughter, I’ve come to understand that no one can break your heart like your child. The same can be said in reverse, as she’s broken my heart too.

This is how I’ve learned that a mother’s love has the capacity to be so potent that it can be portrayed toxically, even with the best of intentions. But our problem wasn’t being too different or too distant.

My mom and I were too close.

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I’m a mama’s girl

At times, my attachment to her made it difficult for me to grow into the adult I have to be for my survival. Because of this closeness, we share,

We’ve —

talked like best friends
fought like sisters, and
went to war like sworn enemies

We’ve overcome obstacles I would never have believed we could make it through, had we not made it through.

Some of my phases affected her mentally and her health. I put her through a lot in my teenage years. And she bared it while still loving me. Some would argue that the extent of her love for me was toxic — to her;

Because of the effect it was having on her and there being nothing she wasn’t willing to do because of it; including being a helicopter mom in certain instances and too lenient in other instances.

Others could argue that it was my love that was toxic because I took the extent of hers for granted; knowing subconsciously that I had someone in my corner who wouldn’t leave me behind.

Neither side would have been wrong.

Technically.

Still, the bond we share is unbreakable and I’d never give up on her just as she hasn’t given up on me. And this is a toxic dynamic that is playing out in most relationships, not only that of mother and child.

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Do we even deserve the love we crave?

As with most relationships we have with our parents and family members, some of you would call the dynamic I have experienced with my mom toxic.

If you were there to witness some of our darkest phases you would’ve encouraged either one of us to let the other one go. Because it was toxic.

But it was equally unconditional.

There was no adversity we faced that truly broke us apart or got us to walk away from one another. I’d even argue to say that our darkest period shockingly made us closer, in the end.

And that is what unconditional love looks like.

And sure, you can argue that “it’s different” because I’m speaking of the love between mother and child — but love is love.

When it’s unconditional, it’s unconditional.

Be it in the form of —

a parent
a pet
a lover, or
a friend

Unconditional love has many faces but the look of love is one of tolerance. And we will all have our brush with it.

And we will go on to crave more experiences with it once it is over (be it through death or a separation of some kind).

Because we can’t live without it.

So what exactly does that mean for our chances of facilitating fully healthy relationships? If we, ourselves, aren’t fully healthy (or healed)? What is it that we’re really looking for? Love?

Or someone who won’t give up on us —

No matter what?

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Realistically, we are all a little toxic

And often the boundaries of that unconditional form of love will toe the line of toxic terrain. It will happen quite often and in many little ways since we all come equipped with our own unique triggers and red flags.

What may be toxic to you may not be toxic for me, therefore extending my unconditional love to someone might not cause me to exert as much as it would you.

It makes me wonder, is there really such a thing as “unconditional love” that isn’t somewhat toxic to some degree?

We are all jaded in our own intricate ways, even if we are trying our best. We are bound to hurt one another at some point and in some way.

Nobody is perfect.

In fact, we are all a little toxic (or very toxic) depending on who you ask. But does that mean we don’t deserve the most potent form of love? If it’s so toxic, should we even crave it at all?

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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