‘This Is Us’ Really is About All of Us

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Recently, my wife and I watched the first season of the highly acclaimed television series This Is Us. Each episode has touched something in my mind but more so in my heart. As we spent time discussing what we have watched both of us have gained new insights about our childhoods, our families, our marriage, our kids and our careers. Memories have returned, old feelings have been resurrected; pain has reappeared as well as much laughter and joy. It seems like a mirror has been held up and both long forgotten memories have resurfaced and new images and thoughts have arisen.

One particular memory that came to light for me was how difficult was my introduction into high school. As a rather young 12 year-old entering high school I was anxious and nervous about starting grade eight. I was and have always been short. I was very small for my age at that time and I was definitely the smallest person in our high school class.

So what did I the smallest kid in high school do? I tried out for the grade eight-basketball team. I loved sports and always have. I did excel in sports, particularly in soccer where I did have skill and success even with my small stature. Excelling in sports gave me a sense of accomplishment and affirmation.

So with great hope and naivety, I tried out for the basketball team. I made the team but the coach was honest with me and shared that I could be on the team but I probably would not get much playing time. Also if I wanted to be on the team I would have to take statistics during the game. My role basically turned out to be team manager not really a full-fledged player. Yet, I accepted his offer and was officially on the team roster and given a uniform.

That was the beginning of my first problem and where reality started to hit. There were not any uniforms that fit me. They were huge. At least they were for someone my size. However, through great insistence my Mom, with a few alterations, somehow made my basketball shirt to fit. Or at least make it look like it fit.

Our team was a very strong team with a lot of good players so I rarely got a chance to play. Soon, I began to question whether my decision was the correct one. I grew weary of taking stats and not getting any playing time. I began to feel like a hanger on and not really a part of the team. I became critical, felt sorry for myself and wished that I could only be bigger so I could be just like the rest of the team. Yet, I stuck it out, swallowed my pride and continued with the limited role as a member of the team.

There was one home game that I did get a chance to play though. It was an evening game where we were playing prior to our senior boys basketball team. This was a big deal and the team was very excited to play in front of a very large home team crowd.

Our team was winning by a large margin and near the end of the game the coach called me over and said he was going to send me in. At first, I was excited and energized. But as I looked up and saw the crowd and realized that I would be going in to play against players a lot larger than I was, I got anxious. Self-doubt and fear kicked in. I was scared. Going through my mind was negative self-talk. Questions like, “what is this four foot five inch less than hundred pound kid going into a game where most of the players were twice his size?” And what is this midget doing playing basketball dressed up in a uniform that doesn’t fit? I could in fact imagine the smirks and hear the laughter coming from the opposing team and also from the crowd. I felt I was going to make a big mistake. I did not want to embarrass myself and felt like running back to the bench and quitting right then and there.

But I didn’t. Just when I needed it, an inner voice interrupted my negative thoughts and jarred me into a change of mind and heart. I heard, “You can do this” rather than, “You have got to be kidding”.

So I entered the game and played the last couple of minutes. I would like to say that I played great and that I scored a basket but that is not what happened. In fact, I think I fouled someone, passed the ball a couple of times and ran around a lot. It was a pretty uneventful appearance.

Yet, this experience helped to change me even though I did not know it at that time. It is only as I reflect back on my growing up experiences that I am recognizing the influence those experiences had on who I was to become. For this experience was only one of series of past and present life experiences that impacted me both positively and negatively.

I learned a lot from my grade eight-basketball experience. Yes, it was a challenging time, but as I look back and reflect it helped to discover a lot of things about myself. It helped shape me into the type of husband, father and friend I have been and am today. It also helped me to understand both my shortcomings and my strengths.

On the one hand the recollection of this basketball experience made me realize a life long pattern. That when I am faced with a stressful situations or problems fear, anxiety and self doubt seem to always arise. I question my ability to meet challenges and have had the tendency to put decisions off, avoid them or bury them. I didn’t know them but I suffered from high anxiety at an early age.

It is only within the last few years since I have recognized and dealt with my high anxiety that I have been able to deal with these situations without fear and self-doubt. Some of that still trickles in but it is not as bad as it was. I have learned to listen to that internal voice repeating, “You can do this”.

Even though anxiety hampered my growth from an early age, this memory from my grade eight-basketball experience also made me realize that four personal character traits. Courage, persistence, tenacity and resilience helped me to deal with stressful situations during the rest of high school, at university, in my marriage, with my children and during my career as an educator and leader. These four traits have evolved over time, have become a part of my character and have served me well during my lifetime. They contributed to a can do attitude even under difficult circumstances.

This attitude helped me to:

Try out for a basketball team when I was only four foot five.
Run out on to that court regardless of my negative self- narrative.
Marry my wife Anne at 20 years old and still be married after 41 years.
Move to Vanderhoof, a village of less than 2000 people, with three very young children after growing up in the much larger city of Vancouver.
Raise three children away from families and friends as we moved around the Province of British Columbia.
Deal with the deaths of my father, mother, father-in-law and sister.
Become Superintendent of a large school district in Burnaby.
Accept the fact that you cannot always be the good guy and overcome a desire to be liked by all.
Serve in Rwanda as an educational consultant.
Confront and tackle anxiety each day.
Overcome the feelings of self-doubt and lack of confidence.

People who may not know my personal story may not know the challenges I had and continue to have. Perhaps they look on the outside and see a man with a successful marriage, three great kids, three wonderful daughter in laws, two beautiful grandchildren, a retired successful Superintendent of Schools, a nice home and a good pension. They may see someone who has it altogether. I am so grateful and thankful that I can experience the love of my family and a blessed existence. I also know that there are many not so fortunate as me and I try very hard to respect that and not take my situation for granted.

But they really don’t know what was going on in my head and heart throughout my lifetime. I suspect that is the same with many other people so I am not unique. Each of us has experienced so much in our lives and those experiences have a vast impact in defining who we are as individuals, how we will behave and what decisions that we will make. Just like this one memory of grade eight- basketball impacted me. Fortunately, I had the courage and persistence to overcome this challenge and many other challenges later on in my life.

However, not all are as fortunate. So when you look at people’s lives don’t get into the comparison and judgement game. That game gets dangerous as it can lead to judging our own lives as being less than, or judging others lives as being not as good as yours.
Have grace, be curious and not critical and don’t leap to any assumptions about what other people think of you and what you think about others. Watching This Is Us has reminded me that I need to employ this more consistently in my own life.

As you begin watching This Is Us initially you see a family that looks pretty together and successful on the outside. As you get deeper into the show the real lives of the family begins to surface and play out. This Is Us is about what families and life is about for the majority of people. It shows the good, the bad, the pain and the joy. It is honest, authentic and real. I realized that This Is Us is not just about the family portrayed in the show it really is a great exemplar of you and I and our own families. Check the show out.
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Photo credit: IMDb