This Is What Happens When You’re Over-Investing in Your Relationship

Have you ever wondered why that one guy left after you’ve given him everything?

There’s nothing wrong with you. But you do need to stop giving too much, especially since the relationship is only 3 months old.

Overinvesting too quickly was my main problem for so long. The moment a guy said he liked me, I was ready to jump ship and commit.

There are many problems with this habit. Not only it makes you go insane at times but you’ll lose yourself pretty quickly to someone who’s probably not worth it.

Here are the other problems:

When you give too much, you leave no room for the other person to show up

Showing up to put in the work in a relationship is a must for both parties. Especially in the early stage of dating.

But when you’re overinvesting, you may not realize that you give no room to the other person to do it. You’re the one who always calls them. You make all the appointments prior to meeting up.

You make sure things are always smooth in the relationship. And when a fight happens, you’re the one who apologizes.

“I just want to keep everything perfect at all times” — was my way of thinking.

But by giving too much in the relationship, it made my then-boyfriend feel uncomfortable. It’s like I was trying too hard to keep it going.

That experience has taught me when you have to try so hard to make someone stay in your life, it’s probably not the right relationship for you.

Unnecessary pressure and resentments along the way

Overinvesting in a relationship is mentally draining.

You put so much unnecessary pressure on yourself. While in reality, it’s two people’s job — not just yours alone.

In some cases when you happen to be with the wrong person, you’ll end up with lots of resentment.

This is because eventually, you’ll feel “why he doesn’t put in the same effort as I do?”

It’s not like you need to lower your expectations of how much your partner should do in a relationship, but the overinvesting behavior from the beginning has set the dynamic entirely.

You’ll think this person you’re dating is lazy. So instead of having a good time and loving them dearly, you start playing games in your mind.

You need it to be even. And that’s how your relationship is going off track.

You can’t truly love someone when your cup is empty

It’s so normal to give our all to someone — just to prove how much we love them. So we also think it’s “normal” to keep giving even when our cup is running empty.

Especially for women, we’re taught to prioritize others’ needs first because making someone else happy is important. It’s impossible to be selfish and take “some time off” from a relationship.

This is what leads us to overinvest.

I used to feel guilty just enjoying my own company without a partner because I thought I had so much love to give I couldn’t just keep it to myself.

While that’s true, it’s also a necessity to give that love to yourself before someone else.

And that’s more than OK to expect that person to put in the same exact effort as you do in the relationship.

Because if you don’t normalize that thinking, you’ll end up with an empty cup every time.

With all that being said, it’s hard to be our best selves and in a healthy relationship if we’re overinvesting and overgiving.

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Here are some practical tips you can do right now if you’ve been overinvesting in your relationship lately:

Take at least one day off every week without your partner — go somewhere by yourself and reconnect with your inner self.
Be more aware of your intention. Are you doing it out of love? Or are you doing it just to get your partner to do the same?
When certain things feel too much, talk it out to your partner.
Give room for your partner to show up and put in the work too.
When you gain resentment towards your partner, it’s a sign something needs to be communicated.

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I can tell you nothing feels worse than being with someone who isn’t 100% with you.

Overall, no one likes to feel like fighting for the relationship alone. Because if that’s the case, then what’s the point of having someone else who claims they love you?

It’s fair to say that this overinvesting behavior can also sabotage your relationship. People also say when you give too much, it’ll turn you into an attractive partner.

Because now your partner thinks they don’t need to do the work anymore. Even on the communication part.

You’ve got it all handled. Over time, the imbalance becomes too obvious and it destroys the whole thing.

I’ve experienced it and I can tell you nothing feels worse than being with someone who isn’t 100% with you.

So learn from my mistake and stop overinvesting. The truth is, you don’t need to do THAT much to keep a relationship going.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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