Narcissists don’t look for partners, they look for projects. Every person they pick is expected to fit their narrative and fit perfectly into their projection of reality. The issue is people are complex and unique.
None of us are perfect and that’s where narcissists begin to devalue their partners. Narcissists have a false perception, and stubborn belief, in perfect. Whenever you don’t measure up they won’t discard you right away. First, they will try to mold you and change you.
This is the initiation of the devaluation process, but it’s not full-blown yet. When, if, and as their ability to completely change you fails they will then begin to devalue you further. I’m gonna share with you four examples of what that looks like in a narcissistically abusive relationship.
1. He Threw Out My Favorite Lipstick
I used to wear this lipstick brand Tarte. I don’t remember the exact color but I do remember three things —
It was a medium brown lipstick that I loved
It was the last one because Tarte stopped making that specific shade
It was $21–25
I wasn’t big on makeup but I was a lipstick junkie. Admittedly, this is where I’d spend money. I loved the way I looked in brown lipstick.
To me, it was the perfect shade. I had spent years, from nineteen to twenty-three, looking for the right shade of lipstick. I tried dark reds and nude shades but nothing looked right to me until I found this shade.
He hated my lipstick.
He said it was too dark and it didn’t look good on me. This never changed how I saw it on myself and I didn’t stop wearing it. This lipstick was here before him. It had become a signature part of my look.
Well, it used to be.
One day we were in his car on our way to his house and he took my entire tube of lipstick, the very last one since they were no longer being sold in the stores or online, and threw it out onto the highway. He just took it and threw it out.
I was in shock and I was upset. He laughed and I was stuck on a highway with no way to get myself home, so I laughed it off too. I never found that lipstick shade again and have substituted it with a few other shades ever since.
He may be gone now but I’m still wearing brown lipstick.
2. He Physically Changed My Clothes (for Me)
On our first outing to meet his friends from high school he came over one night to pick me up.
Without a word, he walked over to my closet and took out a whole new outfit of his choosing. He then walked over to me and took off what I had on, before redressing me.
And I let him do that.
Why? Because I had a really fucked up perception of what love looked like. This meant I was really bad at reading into true intentions. Back then I thought this meant he cared.
I thought it meant he loved me and was invested. Please don’t ask me why but I did. So I put on what he wanted me to wear and once we got to his friends’ house I realized I wasn’t there to be his girlfriend.
I was there to be his trophy.
His friends and family are all very materialistic
They all judged one another constantly, especially behind each other’s backs. I’ve witnessed this numerous times. They base people’s value on —
- the type of phones they have
- the type of cars they drive
- how big their houses are
- what brand of clothes they wear
- what shoes they have on
- how much money they make
- what kind of job they have
- their appearances
- and the appearances of their spouses
I realized that he didn’t want, nor allow, me to dress the way I wanted, or the way I usually did, for a reason. He was ashamed of me. He knew they would tell him I wasn’t good enough for him, just because of how I looked.
He didn’t want me to make him look bad.
3. He Took Me on a Shopping Spree and Only Picked Out Ugly Shit — On Purpose
One specific thing my ex wanted to do was take me shopping. As sad as this might be for some people to read, I wasn’t actually used to this. The only other time an ex took me shopping, or went shopping for me, he bought me clothes his ex would’ve worn. He also picked colorful clothes because I’m known for wearing black.
This ex was similar in that he didn’t like the way I dressed. Ironically, I dressed like him. We both loved athleisure wear and wore sweats all the time. I’ve only ever seen him in jeans twice in the three years we were together.
I was known for wearing sweats with skintight shirts (especially v-necks) and jewelry. I made my style feminine, in my own personal way. I really loved the way I looked. My self-esteem was really high. I would even say I semi-loved myself. But he didn’t.
He felt I should change the way I dress, he wanted me to be “more feminine”. He constantly told me how he wanted me to dress more girly but from observation it wa clear he wanted me to emulate the Instagram model types, and the “it” girls. What he really wanted me to do was dress like his exes.
But when I dressed sexy he also didn’t like it
The way I dressed was sexy to me. I felt that way and honestly never really heard any complaints, but I wasn’t a label whore. I didn’t care about wearing designer brands. I knew how to look good without someone else’s name on the tag. I didn’t knock those who did either — I used to be that way.
Regardless he dediced to do something about the problem, he took me shopping. It was something he really wanted to do so one day he took me to either H&M or Forever 21, I can’t remember. What I do remember is everything he picked up being ugly.
Everything was either bland and plain, or just basic. None of it reflected me. Usually when you go shopping for someone you shop for things that reflects who they are — not who you want them to be. He wasn’t even picking up stuff his exes would wear.
This is when I got suspicious.
I was starting to get confused because it felt like there was malicious intent behind this shopping spree. He insisted on it but only chose ugly things to buy me. It actually felt like a joke, one that was not going to be in my favor.
After he bought me these items he insisted I wear this one piece in particular when we went out together. It was a short sleeved green and navy blue striped dress that hung flat. It didn’t hug my curves or show anything off.
It’s something I would’ve worn if I was twelve.
He praised my appearance but when we got around his mom and family some of them were smirking. I never wore that dress again, or any of the clothes he bought me that day.
4. He Canceled a Date Because I Wore Sweats
This happened eight months into our relationship.
We were on the phone as he was on his way to come get me. Either he asked me what I was wearing and I told him, or I sent him a picture because I genuinely thought I looked cute and was proud of my appearance.
I was wearing his black sweats and a tight long-sleeved sage green shirt. I had black converses on and my brown lipstick and jewelry. He asked me to change, I refused because I actually liked what I had on and the way it fit me.
Let me clarify that me and my ex were both 5’3 and wore a size small — so his clothes actually fit me perfectly, even though he was stocky and I’m petite (I’m 108 lbs).
I believe this was a trigger for him, but this wasn’t my fault and I was never going to apologize for my size or my height. When I refused to change he got angry and yelled —
“You’re gonna look stupid! People are going to laugh at you!”
I didn’t believe him because I dressed like this long enough to know the complete opposite has always been the case. I knew there was nothing wrong with my appearance. I wasn’t worried at all about how people would see me.
What actually hurt my feelings was realizing this was how he felt, about me. And that he was worried more about what the geenral public had to say about me instead of appreciating any aspect of my natural beauty and style. Especially considering he was pursuing me while I looked this way.
Still, I refused to change my outfit.
When he got here he had an attitude
I got in his car and he wouldn’t talk to me, or at all. This was something he did often and something I was now growing tired of. So, I also got irritated and very uncomfortable.
That’s when he decided he couldn’t take me where he wanted to take me with me “dressed like that” and changed plans. Instead we stopped at a pizzeria by my house and he brought me back home to watch tv in my room until he left.
Even though we dressed alike.
This deeply hurt my feelings and would be the event that inititated me finally telling the people closest to me what had been happening to me for the last eight months, and finally coming clean about my abuse.
And now I’m sharing these painful stories with you so you know some of what to look out for. If you are going through this and can’t leave, or haven’t found the strength to leave then pleae (at the very least),
Tell someone who loves you.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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