Want to know what it is? I’ll fill you in shortly, but first, answer this for me:
How do most people find their significant others?
You guessed it — through their social networks. The average woman won’t meet the father of her kids on the street, in a sweaty nightclub, or even on Hinge, but through existing social connections. Now, there are a few reasons for this, which I’m about to break them down for you.
First up, yes, there’s an issue with male confidence and dudes having a lack of knowledge about modern dating techniques. Sadly, most of us Y chromosomers aren’t daring enough to approach women out of the blue. Also, we tend to not donhave a clue about how to set up killer datings profile that score matches. And even those who get matches usually blow it when it comes to messaging women and securing actual dates.
That’s all true, young padawan. However, there are two bigger reasons, which are:
– Women are largely attracted to social status
– Women are risk-averse when it comes to meeting new men
So let’s dig into these points.
You ready?!
Here come the pain!
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Women’s Risk Aversion
Ever seen one of those YouTube videos where some male lunatic pulls off a batshit crazy stunt? Like jumping from a skyscraper, spinning through a blazing hoop, landing next to a pool of starving crocodiles, and then just walking it off like it’s a Tuesday afternoon stroll?
You’ve probably seen that once or twice. But what do the women usually say in the comments? Something along the lines of:
“This is why women live longer, LOL!”
We’ve all seen that kind of comment a lot, and it really highlights a truth which is that women are generally less likely to take risks than men. They’re just much more concerned with safety than us. It’s basically a fact that women are less likely to:
– Ask for raises
– Travel alone
– Quit a secure job to start a business
– Go to bars alone
– Visit the restroom alone at a bar
– Walk home alone at night
– Participate in extreme sports
– Approach an attractive stranger
– Ask that stranger out
– Initiate the first kiss on a date
And so on.
Overall, they’re just more risk-averse than us H chrimosomers, something which is reflected in things like car insurance rates — a man and a woman of the same age with similar cars won’t pay the same premium because he is more likely to take risks while driving.
On that topic, in the UK, we have the term “boy racer” for a young man who drives fast and recklessly. There’s no equivalent term for women, however.
It’s pretty straightforward.
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The impact on dating
A significant challenge for men meeting new women on apps, in bars, or on the street is that these women don’t know them and therefore, don’t trust them.
Women aren’t just worried about whether they will connect with new men they meet; they’re also concerned about safety and sadly fear that these men could harm them. The stark reality is that an unknown man could represent a real threat, and women are very aware of this. So, when they meet unvetted men, they’re usually cautious and quick to look for red flags, often seeming disinterested or quick to ghost at the slightest disturbance.
This leaves you, the man, feeling like you’re walking on eggshells and terrified of making even a slight misstep. You know all too well how quickly you can be written off and discarded like last night’s Dominoes pizza box.
This is what life is like for men who are unproven in the eyes of women. But what exactly does it mean to be unproven? I’ll explain in a sec, but first, consider this: when you meet women through your social circle, these issues don’t exist, do they?
When a woman meets a man through mutual friends, there’s an immediate level of trust. She’s more likely to be open and engage with him in ways she wouldn’t if she met him smack bang out of the blue.
Think about your past relationships. Most of them likely were with women you met through people you both knew. And there’s a good reason for that.
…
How to Become Proven in Her Eyes
When a man sees a woman, he often knows immediately based on her looks whether he is interested. Women, however, aren’t mainly motivated by your appearance. They need to know other things about you — your personality, sense of humor, social standing, and more. This takes time for them to figure out, but thankfully for us, nature has provided a brilliant shortcut, which is for them to:
Go along with what other people say about you.
Essentially, if the people a woman respects and likes also respect and like a certain man, it suggests that he’s likeable and respectable. If he’s well-regarded, he must have value — whether it’s wealth, personality, integrity, social connections, or something else.
Understand this: knowing that you have desirable social connections makes you immediately more attractive. In fact, this is just as true as the fact that pretty women get more sexual attention from men than less attractive women do. It’s why thousands of girls scream at the top of their lungs at Harry Styles concerts, but guys don’t do the same for Ariana Grande.
For those girls, knowing that all the other girls in the audience are crazy about Harry makes them want him even more. That’s just how women operate.
…
How to leverage this Insight
You need to make the most of your social connections to show women that other women like and trust you. For example:
– Post a picture with attractive female and male friends on your dating profile. Make sure it doesn’t look like you’re a player, and ensure all women in the photo appear genuinely happy to be with you. This subcommunicates that you’re a good man who can be trusted and who she’ll have a good time with.
– Share photos and videos of you with pretty women and cool people in your social circle on your Instagram feed and stories. This gives them a peek into the lifestyle they’d join if they were with you, which is crucial because women care greatly about the how their potential partners live.
– Go out to bars and clubs with your female friends. If you go out alone or with other men and start approaching women, your chances of being rejected are incredibly high. But if you’re out with women (especially if they are attractive), nearly every woman you approach will give you the time of day. The social proof provided by having attractive women with you tells every woman you speak to that you’re a good man, likely funny, confident, charismatic, financially stable, and not creepy.
- Ask your female friends to set you up with their friends. Having a woman vouch for you is huge, and her friends are almost certainly going to give you a fair crack of the whip to get to know them.
…
Final Thoughts
Maybe you’re feeling a bit resistant to everything I’ve said here, and I get it. When I was younger, I would have taken offence to it too. I used to believe in the Hollywood and Disney narrative of relationships, which says the awkward, shy, nice guy gets the girl in the end, but that’s just not how it works. All I’ll say is this:
– If you were happy with your dating life, you probably wouldn’t be reading this post.
– If the solution to your problems were in the things you already know, then you wouldn’t have any problems to begin with.
So, keep an open mind, give this approach a try, and you can thank me later.
Excelsior!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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