This One Shared Value Is at the Core of a Long Lasting Relationship

Have you gone through a breakup and felt foolish thinking about all the flakes that added to the snowball leading to a relationship ending?

We all have, don’t worry.

The truth is that you are not foolish. You are uniting your life with someone who was once a stranger.

It’s why most of us wait years until we decide to marry someone.

When it doesn’t work out, we replay every argument we can remember as if that’s what’s at the core of what went wrong.

Practically thinking, we should know it was not that one argument that led to things falling apart; it’s a cumulation of issues.

Do you ever think about how those issues are interconnected?

For example, we forget how many body ailments, such as headaches and leg pain, result from back issues.

Relating this to relationships, we often forget that having a shared value can be interconnected with the elements that create a long-lasting relationship.

I bet you can think of some reasons we hear relationships end; finances, infidelity, etc.

What if I told you these were all interconnected, and there was one value that interconnects almost every element you can think ends relationships?

Ok, I will stop with the set-up texts and get to the point, so let’s dig into it.

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The tea

When we think about what we want in a relationship, we tell our partner what they can do to meet our needs and how to behave to respect our boundaries.

Our partner does the same to us then we find the middle ground to be there for the other person.

Simple enough, right?

Not so much. Again, when a relationship ends, it’s not because of that one fight you had or a single issue.

A long-lasting relationship builds on one value; commitment to one another.

Think about your last breakup. It was not that your partner was a bad communicator or the relationship “wasn’t going anywhere.”

Often what we are feeling is a lack of commitment to continuous improvement.

“A lack of effort, not improving, not trying, stuck, and stagnant.”

These are all forms of a lack of commitment to improvement.

The marathon

Have you ever watched one of those weight loss shows or seen someone go through a weight loss journey?

Watching the finale is fun, but if all I showed you was a before and after photo, you wouldn’t care that much.

That is because it is not the before and after that provides you with entertainment.

You hook onto the person’s commitment to the journey that transformed their life.

You want to see them hit their limit but want to lose weight as much as someone choking needs to take a breath.

Your relationships work the same way.

People quit relationships because they do not commit; it is no more complicated.

You should become two people committed to a goal, transforming the cause of issues you experience together and continuously building upon your successes.

The message

There is something I hear too often that has a different meaning than what people interpret it to mean.

Yup, “they didn’t fight for the relationship to work.”

What someone is telling you when they say that is you are not committed to the work it takes for the foundation of a healthy relationship.

So how do we work on commitment?

There’s a three-step approach I like to use to show someone commitment.

Acknowledge your area of commitment verbally. It sounds simple, but we often feel weak, needing to work on something.
Create an action item around the area of commitment. For example, if you need to work on communication, set up a “weekly check-in” where you and your partner talk about how your week went as an individual and in the relationship.
Set up a time frame to track progress and change.

Relating this to our previous example, it makes sense. Someone acknowledges wanting to lose weight. Then, find a personal trainer. The goal is to lose ten pounds in a month.

The flip side

Before we get ahead of ourselves, we have to remember something.

Don’t forget that your partner needs a cheerleader to make it through the journey.

Commitment is not a one-way street where we point out ways someone else can improve.

A long-lasting relationship also depends on being the support system.

Your partner needs acknowledgment for their effort during hard times and when things are going well.

Another thing we hear is, “No matter what I do, it is not good enough, and I do not feel appreciated.

It is another form of saying their partner is not committed to them.

Everything won’t be rainbows and roses, and I see people quit relationships because the grass is greener somewhere else.

What is happening is a lack of commitment to the journey that builds a strong relationship.

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I have interviewed countless couples, and there’s a recurring theme I hear from people in long-lasting relationships.

“They’re always there for me.”

You know, committed.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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