This Simple Idea Can Make You Feel Better Fast

“Self-care is never a selfish act — it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.”
— Parker Palmer

Having grown up in a highly toxic environment, I learned early on that I did not matter. My feelings were irrelevant; my thoughts were “stupid.” I was taught that other people’s happiness — or unhappiness — was my responsibility.

Having been taken from my birth mother after bonding with her, then having bonded with at least one foster mother before being adopted by a woman who didn’t like me, I grew up feeling desperate to be loved — and subconsciously fearing I’d be sent away.

In short, I grew up doing my best to please others, to give too much, and to ignore anything that looked like self-care. I had no sense of personal boundaries, made worse by physical and sexual violations from family members. I had no right to speak up, to say “no” or to ask for help.

Before I go any further…

I am about to share a bit about post-partum depression, but the point of this story is not about that. It was only the vehicle through which an important message was delivered to me years ago, so please bear with me. The issues that caused or exacerbated it have nothing to do with childbirth or parenthood; they are life issues that many of us face.

Fast forward through a lot of painful years…eventually, I was finally on a healing journey, which began after experiencing my first two post-partum depressions. Both had created massive and frightening emotional and mental issues for many months after the births. I thought I was losing my mind; I was terrified I’d be locked up in a psych ward because of what I was thinking and feeling.

There were suicidal thoughts and behaviours, panic attacks worse than any I’d had since I was waking in the night with them at 9 years old. With the first PPD I developed anorexia, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and agoraphobia (all of which lasted for years as other “life stuff” contributed to the issues. And they were worse after the second birth due to an ongoing traumatic situation).

I had no idea what was wrong with me and didn’t associate any of it with the births of my babies. My life was completely chaotic in other ways; I blamed all of that insanity on the symptoms I was experiencing. It didn’t help that no one was talking about post-partum depression back then, at least nothing beyond the “baby blues” and feeling a bit weepy for a few days immediately after birth.

By the time the third baby rolled around, I had found the Post-Partum Support Society (PPSS), an incredible support group for women who were suffering PPD. I was learning about speaking up, asking for help, and saying how I felt. I was learning to let go of the expectations, needs and demands of others — and of myself.

I learned that although there can be a hormonal component in PPD, it happens in adoptive mothers, too (it can even happen in fathers but I want to keep things simple for you today).

I learned that most women who experience it — both biological and adoptive mothers — are also dealing with issues of low self-esteem and poor self-image. For many, this was the result of childhood physical, emotional/verbal, and/or sexual abuse. All of that was certainly applicable in my case.

And because they were still operating on the toxic beliefs they’d known all their lives, a lot of them were in dysfunctional relationships and still did not feel safe in speaking up or asking for help. Yup, same for me.

It’s no wonder PPD amplifies these issues. You feel like you should be able to cope with everything; you’ve always been over-responsible anyway. You’re always taking care of everyone else’s needs and feelings while ignoring your own. You expect to have this baby dropped into your life and easily slide back into it, continuing to take care of everyone else as usual but this screaming little person demands every ounce of your patience and energy.

And at a time when you’re feeling completely overwhelmed by the needs and demands of a baby and possibly other children, a partner, family, friends…and you’re utterly exhausted and sleep-deprived on top of it — the thing you need most (to be able to ask for help) is the thing you are least able to do.

PPD puts these issues in your face. There you are, having to accept that your self-esteem is in the toilet. You have little or no sense of self-worth. You beat yourself up because you’re not Super Woman. You can’t cope with the house falling apart, too many dinners of mac and cheese, and mountains of laundry everywhere. Your boss needs you back at work. Yesterday.

What will everyone think of you???

There are lots of reasons why we can end up feeling this way; PPD just has a special way of rubbing your nose in it.

As my own healing journey was finally under way, I’d come through a third PPD relatively unscathed. This was thanks to understanding the need for self-care — which could only happen if I learned to ask for help.

Eventually I went through the PPSS training program and became a volunteer. For the following 12 years, I would offer anonymous phone support for women who were suffering with the many pressures and adjustments that contribute to PPD.

I worked with women who were anywhere on the spectrum from mildly depressed to experiencing post-partum psychosis* and wanting to hurt themselves, their babies, husbands, and/or other children. This is what drove Andrea Yates to kill all five of her children (aged 6 months to 7 years) one horrible day.

*This is an urgent situation that requires immediate medical attention!

Across the board, all of the post-partum mums felt pressured to be as productive, organised, and efficient as they’d always been — which, in most cases, also meant they had been neglecting their own needs and self-care all along. It was time to learn about personal boundaries and a healthier way to interact with others.

And most importantly, it was time to understand that self-care is essential to the overall happiness and enjoyment of life.

This Is Not About Post-Partum Depression

I am using PPD as the backdrop for the point I want to make, only because this was the first and most important aspect of my life that allowed me a solid glimpse at what needed healing and where to begin. It was what led to the message I want to share with you today because the issues at the core of PPD apply to countless people in numerous ways.

You don’t have to have post-partum depression to feel overwhelmed, to have trouble saying “no,” to put yourself and your own needs at the bottom of your list of priorities (if you’re on it at all), or to give, give, give to the point of it being self-destructive and a detriment to your health and wellbeing.

…which is why I am writing this piece.

While I was working with these women, I kept hearing about how depleted they were. Many of them were well past running on fumes. They were so busy giving, giving, giving to others, and doing, doing, doing for others, they were neglecting themselves.

I could talk to them for an hour about the importance of self-care. I could blather on about how they should take a “time out” and do something they enjoy now and then. I could hear their doubtful and unenthusiastic attempts at saying they understood but they weren’t fooling me — as was always evidenced in future calls.

“No, I haven’t done it yet. I just can’t.”

Until I found a new way to explain it. Suddenly, it all made sense to them. In every single case, I saw improvements in the following weeks and months.

I Invented “Empty Refrigerator Syndrome”

What’s this, you ask? More pressure for them to do the shopping and get back to the kitchen?

Absolutely not.

Imagine you are a fully-stocked fridge. Your partner comes along and takes out some food. So do your kids. Your neighbour drops in needing something and takes more of your food. Your boss stops by and helps himself to a whole lot of it.

All day long, people are coming by and taking food out of your fridge but no one is putting anything back. No one is going shopping and replenishing your supply of food.

Soon, the food runs out. So they begin taking out the shelves, the drawers, the temperature control dial, even the light bulb. They take everything there is to take, even the insulation, until you’re nothing more than an empty shell of a refrigerator with a bunch of wires hanging out.

Is that you? Do you have Empty Refrigerator Syndrome?

The only way to prevent it — or recover from it — is to keep your fridge well-stocked. Take time for yourself every day, even if it’s just 30–60 minutes to meditate, go for a walk, ride a bike or do anything else that nourishes your soul.

There’s a lot more to self-care than the basics of hygiene, catching a mere 5 hours’ sleep at night, and shovelling in a meal before rushing off to meet one obligation or another.

And before I go…here is another of my creations to assist you. It’s a little poem. I shared it here a while ago in another article but even if you’ve seen it before, it bears repeating.

The title is almost longer than the poem. It is called, “My Version of Doing Versus Leaving Housework and Other Undesirable Stuff.”

Do your best and leave the rest,
Tomorrow will soon be today,
And if you’re dead by then instead,
It won’t matter to you anyway.
— ©Liberty Forrest, 1987

Many of us struggle with saying “No.” Equally awful, asking for help or even accepting it when it’s offered. We become empty refrigerators. We fear the repercussions of standing up for ourselves, speaking up and saying, “That’s not okay.”

Stop swallowing your feelings. Stop choking on resentment. Stop beating yourself up for not being superhuman.

You can bet that all those people you’re trying so hard to please have also felt like this at times. All of us need help now and then. There’s no shame in asking for it.

You’ll feel so much better about yourself when you allow yourself the gift of speaking your truth and saying what you need.

Speak up. Re-stock your fridge before it’s empty. And see how much your life improves.

Join Medium for unlimited, ad-free access to great content! Your $5/month helps support my work and the other writers, here, too. You can sign up here:

Thanks so much to the Good Men Project and the team at Change Becomes You for publishing this. I appreciate all you do for so many.

—

Previously Published on medium

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything

—

Photo credit: Shutterstock