It’s easy to get cynical about dating. It can be so frustrating that you almost want to think it’s a stacked deck — that way, it’s not your fault, and you’re free to give up. You might feel as if you’re doomed to go on the same first date, again and again, for eternity. If that’s the case, why not make it a great one?
When you sense yourself slipping into nihilism, you need the intellectual courage of the German philosopher and misunderstood motivational speaker Freidrich Nietzsche.
Nietzsche died at 54 after suffering a catastrophic mental breakdown. In life, he was often sick and mostly sexless, proposing to the proto-feminist author Lou Andreas-Salomé multiple times and getting denied. When Nietzsche died, his Nazi-sympathetic sister poisoned his legacy by allowing fascists to revise his work, tainting his reputation to this day. But he wasn’t the sort of philosopher whose convictions would be swayed by self-pity.
Among Nietzsche’s many life-changing thought experiments was the notion of “eternal recurrence,” the idea that time is circular and each moment of our lives repeats itself infinitely. It’s not dissimilar to the premise of the 1993 comedy classic Groundhog Day.
Imagine you will live this moment over and over again. The essence of the experience won’t change, but every repetition will reveal new facets and interpretations. If you’re lucky, you can make better-informed decisions that will affect future editions, because it’s not a rerun of a cartoon sitcom, and you’re the director and star.
It’s doubtful that Nietzsche meant this literally. But if it were true, in a meaningful sense, how would you do things differently?
Would you treat people with more kindness and compassion, or be more open, intimate, and authentic? Would you go all-in to create an unforgettable, mind-blowing experience, or would you simply relax and enjoy it more? What sort of regrets might you have the next time you had to sit through the same mutually unenthusiastic Hinge date, both of you lost in your phones, imagining the world is against you and life is a raw deal?
Young men get flak for their squalid apathy when it comes to dating, some of it warranted. You can gain massive power in your dating life when you realize that how you do anything is how you do everything and let Nietzsche’s idea motivate you to a) make every moment count, and b) chill out and have fun, things most people refuse to do. When you make a move, make it like you mean it. When you fall on your ass, laugh yourself breathless.
Flex your agency — own your experience
Nietzsche believed that, by living each moment as if it will be forever inescapable, etched into your experience and part of your gift to the cosmos, you will understand your obligation to put it all on red and bring your full gifts to bear.
This, by his reckoning, is what you were born to do. You have an innate “will to power.” When you honor it, you win your respect, which makes it easier for others to respect you. And if they don’t vibe with you, who needs ‘em? You’re having fun regardless. The party doesn’t start when you walk in — it follows you wherever you go.
As you value your quest for self-realization, you must never impede the quest of another. To exercise your will to power does not mean to be domineering or worse.
But you’d be surprised how much people will like it when you plan the goat yoga, invite them into your world, and use the full force of your creativity to give them a once-in-a-lifetime date, rather than begging them to save you from self-inflicted torpor and boredom.
Show up for everything
Another famous Nietzsche notion is “amor fati,” or “love your fate.” It is not important or desirable that everything you do work out perfectly. Life is a perpetual struggle — otherwise, it would be pointless — and true sovereignty comes from embracing and being fully present for all our experiences, especially the challenging ones.
On a date, this could mean recalibrating when things go awry, using conflict and friction as opportunities to deepen intimacy and enhance attraction, or feeling the sting and laughing it off when it’s not a match.
The benefits of mindfulness meditation in this context have been thoroughly harped upon and can never be overstated. The objective, as much as there is one, is to regard all of life as a practice of presence. In a checked-out world, this can make you a powerful player indeed.
Resist nihilism
Nietzche was a mortal enemy of nihilism, including the “black pill” mentality that no effort is justified when life isn’t fair. He thought self-pity was toxic, we’ll never live in peace with ourselves when we know we’re making excuses, and the meaning of our lives is largely ours to create. To believe something like that — even if you’re wrong — seems like a better deal than imagining yourself as a statistic.
Next time you go on a date, see what happens if you treat it like you’re creating the rest of your life. You might be shocked at how effectively you connect when you summon the courage to care about something.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Anita Austvika on Unsplash
