Learning to love and be loved is, of course, a complicated concept. Most people might answer this journey by saying, “You must first learn to love yourself,” or “Love God, and He will guide you,” or some form of either of those.
But it’s more important that we understand why those are the answers that people will commonly give you.
Most people struggle with loving other people because they’re actually experiencing one of three other things that they misinterpret as love:
- Codependence
- Adoration
- Infatuation
*It’s important to note that all three of these scenarios can turn INTO love, but not easily.*
Codependence
With codependence, you’re plausibly suffering from low self-esteem, using the scenario to fill a void of self-love.
Codependence is arguably the worst of the faux-loves. This one is the emotional roller-coaster one, except it’s a ride that you really don’t want to get off. That’s because the highs are equally as amazing as the lows are painful, and you’re stuck in this cycle, believing that the next high will counteract the previous low, and then suddenly, you’ll be fine. There’s constant false hope at the end of a ceaseless dark tunnel. And you really do get closer, but it’s rare that you make it out.
It will build you up only to tear you to pieces.
Codependence is defined as an unhealthy attachment in a relationship where one individual has a strong desire for the other’s approval or support.
The problem is it typically takes place between two people where one has this strong desire, often rooted in low self-esteem, and the other is either knowingly or unknowingly manipulating that desire, either for pure selfishness or potentially self-destructive behavior, such as some sort of addiction.
What is codependence like?
As a codependent, your emotional well-being starts to “depend” on the other person’s behavior. And it’s not like “if they have a bad day, you have a bad day.” It’s not a mirror. It’s more like, “If they have a bad day, you’re happy because you have the opportunity to show them your value.” That may seem normal, but where it goes south is when the “enabler” in the relationship decides to treat the codependent poorly because they’ve had a bad day, as if they’re disposable. A codependent person will basically believe that that’s true if treated that way.
You hinge on their every word, for better or for worse. If they text you back and say, “You’re so cute ❤,” you’re stuck on a high until further notice.
If they don’t text you back, you might as well not exist. A codependent person will stay in and act as if they’ve been broken up with. They’ll even lie to themselves and say, “They needed a good night’s rest,” but they probably won’t sleep at all.
While it is possible that codependence can turn into love, it’s particularly challenging to facilitate the transition. It’s more conceivable that love will turn into codependence, actually, but this would be a healthier version of it.
When you’re married and in a long-term, healthy relationship, it’s perfectly normal for you to depend on the other person. However, it’s important to understand that that form of codependence is made permissible by years of trust-building, establishing a foundation, and learning how each other behaves.
Of course, a married or long-term partner would be down in the dumps if their significant other suddenly started treating them poorly. It would be uncharacteristic. But a married couple will figure missteps like that because of their mutual agreement and commitment to loving each other, because of what’s hopefully withstood the test of time: a relationship that’s been around the block once or twice.
But codependent people will be more liable to rely on another human being whether that bond has been forged or not. They’ll make it up in their head that the other person owes them a certain caliber of response, and then act out when they don’t get what they want.
And what’s worse, they’ll blame themselves. Codependent individuals often don’t have the emotional fortitude—partly from the perception or reality of being beaten down by others constantly—to say, “You know what, I’m way better than this. You can’t treat me this way because my standard for myself is above how you’re behaving.”
That breaking point doesn’t really exist—instead, they’ll perpetuate the experience as long as possible, as if their life depends on it—to the point where they’ll push their partner away. Even the “enabler” will say, “I don’t think we should do this anymore,” before the codependent individual puts a foot down.
It’s a tricky spot to be in, and no one deserves to ever go through it.
Adoration
Adoration is the ego-boosting faux-love, and you possibly know when you’re in it, as much as you might lie to yourself and others about it.
Adoration, at least in relationship psychology, is defined as extreme liking or passionate attachment. It’s close to romantic love, but not exactly the same.
Additionally, there is giving adoration and receiving adoration, neither of which is necessarily the big “L” word.
What is adoration like?
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’re probably more familiar with the term love bombing than adoration. Many consider love bombing to be a form of emotional abuse, which, needless to say, is… yeah, not love.
Giving adoration, or love bombing, is commonly characterized by excessive flattery, gift showering, or premature intense discussions about the future of the relationship. Even simple over-communication can be an indicator of sorts.
Some common signs of love bombing or giving adoration are:
- a feeling of tremendous pressure
- unnecessary and exorbitant gift-giving
- inordinate and unreasonable demands or ultimatums
- the inability to say “no”
- a strong preference toward “alone time” instead of social activities
It’s important to note that codependent people can sometimes love bomb, but the difference lies in the details.
Giving adoration stems from insecurity as well, but it’s more dominant than codependence. A love bomber won’t hesitate to move onto another because it’s not the individual that they’re dependent upon; it’s the reassurance that they’re “good at relationships.” It doesn’t even matter with whom.
Adoration can happen intentionally or unintentionally, but that doesn’t exactly matter in the diagnosis of whether or not it’s love. It may even be genuinely how that person expresses themselves, but it’s dubious that the relationship road doesn’t ultimately have a cliff, or at least some extremely rocky terrain.
Infatuation
With infatuation, you’re presumably unreasonably excited, overzealous, and often caught up in the physical nature of the relationship.
Infatuation is the faux-love experience that is most likely to be mutual, so it can really feel like love there for a bit. If it’s not mutual, it’s more closely related to obsession than anything else.
Infatuation is defined as “a feeling of foolish or obsessively strong love for, admiration for, or interest in someone or something.” This is an intense feeling, and it’s hard to prove that it’s not love while it’s happening, but you’ll certainly know when it’s over—infatuation is typically short-lived.
What is infatuation like?
You might not know it when you’re in it, but you know it when you see it. It’s like being twitterpated in Bambi (just a little reference for fellow 90s babies).
Being infatuated is normally characterized by an over-the-top enthusiasm, one that’s remarkably and noticeably unsustainable. These are the couples that move in together at an alarmingly early point in the relationship. They justify it by saying how in love they are with each other, and how they “just knew.” Infatuated people are almost always that couple that makes you whisper to your friend, “No way that lasts.”
And it’s not that there’s a clock on how long it takes to fall in love, but there is a healthy process and regimen for completely and thoroughly getting to know one another before you let your lives revolve around each other.
People experiencing infatuation tend to “burn out” because it’s difficult and far-fetched for a relationship to move that fast without overlooking a few red flags.
As a basic example, let’s say the hypothetical infatuated couple moves in together, and only one of them takes charge of the decorating. They’ll tell their friends that they’re just “so in love” that it was cute to see their partner be so passionate about home decor. But in reality, and somewhere deep down in their brain, that individual probably would have liked that to be more of a collaborative occasion.
Obviously, they could also really have cared less if they had been involved, but you get the point: something to that effect.
And it feels like love the whole time. This one is also the most apt to turn into love, but it takes tremendous communication skills, coordination efforts, self-awareness, and introspection.
The fact remains: you’re not in love yet.
What’s With Love, Then?
You’ve probably noticed that with each of these three experiences, someone in the relationship is attempting to get or actually getting something from it, even if it’s mutual.
With codependence, they’re attempting to get self-worth and value from their partner. With adoration, they’re getting an ego boost. With infatuation, they’re both getting physical excitement or perhaps they’re attempting to get social elevation and validation by giving off the impression of being in love.
However, love has to be selfless. If it’s not, it’s more than likely one of those three imposters, and those circumstances are often truncated. They will also inevitably end in heartbreak for one of the parties involved.
This is the reason that most people turn to self-love exercises or religion, which could technically be grouped into the same category, in a way.
Loving yourself or loving some sort of higher power is effective in the pursuit of sustained happiness and fulfillment because you’re not directly getting anything in return by doing so. You’re just loving them (oneself or the deity) for the sake of loving them. Either path teaches us that we have to take control of the situations at hand, and we can’t depend on anyone else for our needs, emotions, moods, or well-being.
Once you’ve made some significant progress with being more in control of yourself, your emotions, your needs and desires, your self-advocacy, your ego, etc.… you can begin to love someone else not for what they do for you, but simply for the sake of loving them, too.
“Getting love” isn’t the goal. If it is, you’re doing it for the wrong reason.
Loving is the goal, in general. If it’s honest and forthright, loving is, in and of itself, good for you—regardless of what it’s directed at, or based on, or experienced with.
You can experience love with pretty much anything: animals, things, moments, music, experiences, activities, places, and more.
Experiencing it with people is tricky because it’s pretty painful if it’s not reciprocated, or if it comes to an end.
So how do you learn to love people?
Learning To Love People
Learn to love people by learning to love for the sake of loving. Practice loving something that doesn’t do anything for you directly, something that you can’t hurt, and that can’t hurt you, and then take baby steps from there. Pick something that you can’t offend, something that won’t hold it against you if you aren’t loving it “correctly.”
Start off by loving your morning routine, or your breakfast, or your favorite exercise. Whatever it is, show yourself that you can be dedicated to just that thing. Over time, add to it, or make it more complex and challenging. Make it harder and harder to love, but prevail anyway. Keep loving that thing. It’s okay if you mess it up — that’s why we chose something you can’t hurt.
Then maybe choose more things, or even just additional components. Work on loving your weekends or your side hustle. Maybe you can learn to love your job. Who knows, one day, you might even be ready to love and raise a puppy.
But eventually, you’ll learn that loving someone or something isn’t about success or failure, or about improving your own status or well-being. And you’ll learn what love isn’t.
You’ll learn that loving for the sake of loving is plenty good enough of a reason.
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If you haven’t yet signed up for Medium, it truly is a great place to check out thousands of authors and write some pieces of your own. Plus, as a member, you can read the rest of my stuff. My mom does it, and she’s a cool lady. Be more like Reid’s mom, everyone.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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