According to Dictionary.com, the definition of courage is the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger or pain without fear; bravery.
That’s why we often associate firefighters, police officers or people in the military as courageous.
Dictionary.com had another definition of courage listed, but with the caveat that this particular definition was now obsolete: the heart as the source of emotion. The root of the word is cor, which in Latin means heart and is often used as a common metaphor for inner strength. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant, “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.”
For many of us, that’s facing real difficulty, danger or pain because in doing so we risk being judged, criticized or being rejected by the one person that can hurt our hearts more than any other: our spouses.
Here are three (surprising) ways to be more courageous in your marriage:
Having a Hard Conversation
The dreaded four word: “We need to talk,” which is code for something is very wrong. No one likes to have that conversation; it’s not easy or fun. But most things of great importance are neither easy nor fun.
It’s been my experience through my coaching practice that avoiding those hard conversations and the problems that need to be discussed within a relationship doesn’t make the problems magically disappear. Instead, the problems fester beneath the surface of the relationship, causing strain, increased resentments, and disconnection between the two people involved. It causes a slow deterioration of the relationship that is subtle, but profound over time.
Most people approach these conversations from the perspective of what they want to say to their partner, but that means you enter into the discussion with an agenda that is typically one-sided. To make these difficult conversations easier and more productive, ask questions and attempt to understand the root cause of the issue. Drop the need to be right and therefore making your partner wrong. Make it a conversation based on mutual respect and genuine curiosity.
Telling Your Spouse What You Need
When we get married, we are told, both directly and indirectly, that your partner’s needs or the needs of the relationship now come before your own needs or desires. But that leaves a lot of people feeling like they’re never getting their own needs met in the relationship. Plus, when we don’t tell our partners what we need in the relationship, they’re left to guess or give us what they would need, which only fails approximately 100% of the time.
We need to set our partners up for success in the relationship by being clear and communicating what we need to feel appreciated, loved and connected in the marriage. That’s practicing courage in our marriages.
It’s not selfish to have needs; every human being on the planet has needs, desires for themselves and preferences that are specific to them. We just haven’t communicated what those are and then wonder why we’re not getting what we need in our most important and most intimate relationship.
Walking Away in Love
Sometimes the problems in the relationship cannot be fixed, and the hurts cannot be healed. Where falling in love and getting married probably felt easy, walking away and saying goodbye to something like a long-term marriage is hard. So we avoid, deny, justify, blame, resist, and rationalize, remaining in the unhappy relationship and unconsciously deepening resentments and worsening the relationship over time.
Alternatively, we could tell ourselves the truth if it’s time to walk away as lovingly and peacefully as possible. Your partner doesn’t have to be wrong, and separating doesn’t have to be filled with anger and venom and hate. Walking away in anger is easy; walking away in love is far more difficult, so it requires more courage, more heart.
Courage in our marriages can be touching or saying, “I love you” first.
Courage in our marriages can be forgiving our spouse, even when they never ask to be forgiven.
Courage in our marriages can be having the difficult conversations and communicating what we need.
Courage in our marriages can even be walking away lovingly and peacefully when it has reached its end.
And courage can be asking for help when you don’t know the answers.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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