Everything dies. When we see death as a failure, it makes loving and living more precarious.
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You may not be able to imagine life without your partner, but it’s likely that from time to time you wonder deep in your bones if, with all the variables that life presents, you will be inclined or even equipped to commit to this one person until you die. Even if lifetime commitment is the best vehicle for two people to express their devotion, the words “Till Death do Us Part” can, in trying moments, seem like sheer impossibility.
Which is why, I suppose, the top two questions that cross my laptop regarding relationships are: Is marriage obsolete? and How do I know when it’s time to leave?
I’m not touching the first question in this article, but as far as the second one goes, my stock answer is simple: When you’ve had Enough.
Passion, caring, and common values all ebb and flow over the long course of loving someone, and those things, in the right circumstances, can be revived.
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And yet that answer is unsatisfactory for so many, especially for those who insist: “But I made a vow!” Breaking vows are not easy and should never be taken lightly. But what some are unwilling to see in the till-death-do-us-part scenario is that it’s not just people who die. Relationships die, too.
Passion, caring, and common values all ebb and flow over the long course of loving someone, and those things, in the right circumstances, can be revived. But a relationship is officially dead when the initial purpose for getting together has expired and there can be no agreement on a new purpose, and/or how to move forward together.
This is the non-physical death we are too afraid to face as real, but if we are going to profess “till death do us part,” it is wise to incorporate it.
Causes of relationship death: real and imagined
Relationships frequently get sick and die because people grow and change at different speeds and in different directions. I recall one couple in which a partner had a religious revolution smack in the middle of a decent 12-year marriage, and her counterpart couldn’t get on board. Their needs and belief systems had sadly diverged to the point of incompatibility. One of the great paradoxes of relationship is, that while you can’t get into a relationship thinking you will change your partner, when people get into relationships, they can and do change — for better and for worse.
Relationships also die from lack of maintenance. Imagine if you forgot to bring your car in for service and it stopped working, so you just left it in your backyard. With the right investment of time and money, it could be revived. However, leave it out there long enough, and the rust renders it moribund. Same with love. If you want it to live, you have to keep an eye on the state of the union and invest time and energy into its upkeep.
Sometimes relationships have a near death experience — when one or both partners unconsciously decide to test the strength of the bond, and blow the relationship up to see what it is made out of …
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Sometimes relationships have a near death experience — when one or both partners unconsciously decide to test the strength of the bond, and blow the relationship up to see what it is made out of and if they are able to see and treat each other better when the smoke clears. It could be an affair, or harsh words or actions that push the other too far. If you’ve ever listened to a close friend obsess about their recent ex while getting the sense that they are not even remotely broken up, they could be in the middle of a relationship NDE.
Can a relationship really die if there was no real relationship to begin with? I think not. People fall in love for all sorts of reasons, including the avoidance of harrowing circumstances, like deportation, unemployment, or even, to get revenge on an ex. Once the palliative wears off, they bump into both the pain they have been trying to avoid and the actual person they’ve essentially used, and realize there’s no there there. Perhaps it is death of an illusion; I prefer to call it, evaporation.
Death is not a failure
I am not the first to say this, and I do so as a strong reminder: Longevity is not always symbolic of relationship success. Two people can love fully, ardently and generously for 24 months before the relationship proves unsustainable — and they can live in matrimony without depth, heartfelt consideration or curiosity for 24 years. Who’s to say which is more successful?
Everything dies. When we see death as a failure, it makes loving and living more precarious.
What lives
Relationships come and go, live and die, but connection — that spark of unity between people — doesn’t die. You can divorce a relationship, and rail against it, and complain mercilessly about it to all your friends, move to the other side of the earth, and eventually move on and even forget about it, but you cannot kill connection. People often confuse the relationship and the connection, convincing themselves to stay in a dead relationship because I still love him (or her).
If you are confused about when to leave because you have vowed to stay connected until death, remember that there is more than one type of death.
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Connection’s evergreen reality can be a burden, but it can also be soothing if you are thinking about or going through a recent break up: Especially when you are trying to comprehend the incredible and unfathomable loss of not even talking to someone that just a week ago you were brushing your teeth half-naked in front of.
If you are confused about when to leave because you have vowed to stay connected until death, remember that there is more than one type of death. You don’t want to be flip, but you don’t have to torture yourself. For many, death is grueling and it just takes time. I’ll share the story of one devoted wife and mother knew in her bones that her relationship had died, but invested 11 years and a variety of half-assed attempts to revive it before she gathered the internal and external resources to leave. For the first time in many years, she is truly happy. Death, even in it’s protracted forms, paves the way for rebirth.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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I recently read that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. Of those couples that remained married, 70 percent of them were unhappy. Divorce is never anything to be proud of, but we need to start treating it like a shameful four-letter word that should be avoided unless blood is drawn. I personally would never want my partner to stay with me out of duty or obligation. Perhaps other people feel that it’s more important to abide by the terms of what law tells us is a voidable contract, regardless if they want to or not. I’m not sure if… Read more »
Lisa Marie, Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. We live so much longer than people did when they came up with the traditional marriage vows. I believe that marriage is the right contract for some people to explore the depths of their loving. But for it to last, they have to know what it is they are doing together. The more explicit the better. People who don’t know why they are married other than they are “in love” forget that love is a feeling and all feelings changes. People can be together to raise a family, create a beautiful… Read more »
Interesting opinion, Lisa Marie. Strongly recommend you never get married in a church. You’re right, the cosmos doesn’t award brownie points. But there are many couples out there swearing an oath to God, and walking away from their marriage rather than asking him – together – for His help. More importantly, duty/obligation is exactly the point. Marriage experts like Dr. Schnarch are finding that “unhappiness” in marriage is due to one or both spouses refusing to accept their own responsibility for personal growth that a committed relationship creates. Marriage was never intended to be 70 years of misery, but to… Read more »
Thanks for reading and chiming in, HD. I love Dr. Schnarch’s work, and recommend “Passionate Marriage” to my clients on a regular basis. Taking personal responsibility for your own growth is what helps in knowing if a relationship is truly abetting or detracting from your growth. I have seen it in my practice again and again, it only works if both partners are equally invested. Differences in opinion are such a wonderful part of online forums, HD; but I always find it sad when people feel the need to defend theirs through arrogance and assumptions. My partner is laughing over… Read more »
We need to be honest about the 50% … it includes multiple marriages and I’m not sure where the other percentage came from.
Or I should say multiple divorces by the same person. Example …. 10 married couples surveyed , one person has 5 divorces, the survey would show 50% divorce rate where as it’s actually 10%.
Blair – This is astonishing.
So glad it resonated, Lise.
Great post Blair that rang so many bells and flicked so many switches that I could hardly read for the ringing in my ears…As someone who has been married more than once…and determined not to enter into that arena again, I love your stance on this. Very brave post and this line hurt: I am not the first to say this, and I do so as a strong reminder: Longevity is not always symbolic of relationship success.” So true and exposed. thank you for this x
Dave, thank you so much for reading. I love the fact that the piece resonated deeply. Your reflections mean a lot to me.
Tom, you speak such truth and wisdom that I fear is becoming outdated. While I don’t agree that marriage has to be grueling, perpetual work, I do agree that there are times and phases when work is required. All too often — in those opportunities for growth –people fly the coop. It’s so wonderful that you respect the man your daughter married. While worrying about your kid’s happiness seems to me the most natural thing in the world, I see no reason to think that he will divorce your daughter on account of his personal history. I know so many… Read more »
Other then infidelity and/or physical mental abuse, there is no reason, in my opinion, to break up. Marriage is work, it evolves. I took vows that said ” … until death do us part” very seriously. One can find “rebirth” in their marriage. But then again, marriage isn’t as important these days. I don’t believe in “falling out of love.” Talk to anyone who has been married for a long time and they’ll tell ya that there were rough times. In the 40 years I’ve been married, there were times I wanted to throw in the towel. And there was… Read more »