Women aren’t the only ones who are pressured to be married. So are many men. A blogger shares his experiences with his well meaning, but pushy parents.
My parents are crazy.
Now, would they win the Craziest First Generation Asian-American Parents of Adult Children Award for 2013? No, but they would have been very close in 2004 and again in 2006. Last year was pretty wacky, too.
It would be funny if they’re just wacky in general, like if my mom named her dog, a teacup maltese, after me. (Hearing my mom yell “Tommy! Don’t pee there!” over the phone would never fail to entertain.) Or maybe my dad sneaks in a small jar of kimchee whenever we go to Olive Garden, a fine restaurant to which he compares every dining establishment.
Alas, my parents are not crazy like this. They’re crazy only about one thing:
That is me getting married.
For my folks my marriage is the solution to all of life’s problems. Here is their logic custom made for me. I kid you not this is what they’ve said.
- You’re lonely? Get married.
- You want to have fun? Marriage is fun.
- You want to travel? Travel with your wife.
- At age 27 you’re too busy with school full-time (college, not grad school) and two jobs you have? Your wife will help you somehow.
- You want to buy a house someday? Buying a house is for families only.
- You want to make a lot of money? Nothing like having a wife to put a fire under your ass to work harder.
- Heck, you add kids to that mix and you’ll make even more money.
- No, you won’t save money if you stay single, don’t have kids and live minimally. That’s stupid.
- You’re in transition and you want to start a new career and you need cut on expenses so you don’t have money or time to date? Your wife will be more than happy to support you, duh!
If that’s not enough, this is their requirements– ah, they mean preferences for their future daughter-in-law:
- Her parents are rich.
- She has a stable job.
- She’s not the only child. Preferably she has an older brother.
- She’s one to seven years younger than me. Same age or older is frowned upon.
- She goes to church, along with her parents.
- Actually her parents are pretty dedicated to church. Her dad is a deacon or an elder, but not a pastor.
- She is of Korean descent and she speaks Korean comfortably.
- She lives with her parents like all good daughters do, even if she’s in her thirties.
- Actually she doesn’t have to be anything here besides be 100% Korean. She can be a doctor, be five years younger than me, serve as a Sunday school teacher, have parents who love singing in the church choir, speak fluent and crisp Korean, cook dinner for her parents every night, but…. she’s half Chinese? Hell no!
So that’s their agenda of obsession for me. Get married now and get married to a fellow Korean. From setting me up with girls residing in different time zones, hiring “marriage brokers” just for me and recruiting entire church congregations to help me find a matrimonial partner, they’ve done everything they could.
Argh! Their craziness has driven me crazy for most of my adulthood, to a point where I had see a therapist last year because of their negative influence on me. For years and years I’ve tried to tell them that I’m okay being single and that when it’s time for settle down and start a family, I would. But that wasn’t enough for them.
This year I changed things up on them. Enough is enough. No more set up dates. No more calls from marriage brokers. No more talk of marriage. I’ve had it.
Perhaps it was my own guilt that I kept on feeding. Wouldn’t they feel lonely and disappointed if I didn’t call them every other day? Especially my mom? It doesn’t matter. Because it’s this frequent communicating that leads to more chances for my parents to sneak in chatter of which cousin or who’s son or daughter just got married. So what did I do? I just stopped calling.
I now call them every other week. Even though they live just two hours away, a visit every two months seem to be just fine, not every three weeks like I used to do. Less talk and less visits lead to less marriage-talk and thus more peace. I suppose this is what they call loving from a distance.
I discovered something scary but true: I’m not responsible for my parents’ happiness or well-being. I’m not, really. Sure, I want to be that dutiful and caring son, but they’ve made it so hard for me over the last decade, and so hard for themselves, too. I can’t force them to calm down with their obsession over my marriage, however I can avoid their direct or passive-aggressive tactics entirely by budgeting my time with them better.
My parents are crazy and I love them. But for the next decade we’re on time out.
Originally appeared at justcallher.com
Photo DavidNewEngland Flickr
It’s hard to shut down communication with people you love, but sometimes it’s necessary for a while. Hopefully distance will make the heart grow fonder, but sometimes it just makes you realise that you don’t have to play games or subject yourself to the same chatter in your ear over and over. You probably won’t find love (if you want it) if you hear your parents saying ‘get married now!’ every time you meet a potential love interest.