Tips for Men Seeking Love

Is romance dead? Some people seem to think so. “Women are the problem.” We hear this a lot as well. Are you looking for some 1950’s version of the trad relationship? Open the window and toss this one into the nearest paper recycle bin! Are you stuck inside the talking heads of the manosphere? Get your head out of the trash bin and open your eyes for f*ck sake!

My apologies, I am not usually so blunt. Men and women have every right to choose the lives they lead. Be my guest, just don’t blame me for your mistakes. But seriously, in my work with men’s groups, my eyes have been opened wide to the many issues we face regarding romantic, emotional and domestic partnerships.

Finally, I just finished reading a Medium essay on “dating standards,” a term I was not previously familiar with, but after reading about it, makes total sense. The word “standards” is perhaps a bit harsh, but the point is quite positive.

Yes, certainly, anyone dating should come prepared with a certain known set of expectations, desires and defaults. That is, what you hope to find in a prospective partner, some honest knowledge of your desires, and the kinds of things you may be willing to accept or are not terribly important to you.

The tips, yes I know, they’re coming. Many of the following are also covered elsewhere, actually in lots of places, including the dating blog promoted by the earlier mentioned article. You are welcome to read these tips anywhere you like. Suffice to say that you will need to prepare to meet new people and potentially date them.

Notice that we have already covered two elements related to seeking love: patience and taking action. So hang in there with me, and read on. Trust me when I say that I am a man just like many of you and that my experiences are similar to yours. For the following, I will assume the potential romantic partner is a woman, although these may be equally applied to male-male romance.

Tips for Guys Seeking Love

Know thyself. Yea, we men are not very good at this. Many of us tend to cruise through the world like horses racing around a track, that is, with blinders on, not knowing where we are going and ultimate not going anywhere. Questions to ask:

How do you know you really want a loving relationship? Are you sure?
Can you imagine a healthy and happy life of friends and family but without a romantic partner?
What do you want in a loving relationship? You need to get specific here, and be honest with yourself!
Now look over your answers to the last item. Are your standards and expectations too high? Are they realistic?

Understand your habits. As a single guy, you may well approach a dating situation like a stroll through a dark tunnel, curious but likely to stumble. In many ways, our habits define us as men. How do you spend your time? Questions to ask:

What kinds of things do you enjoy when not working?
Do you have friends? How many? How often do you see them?
Do you have family? How do you get along with them? Do you have a sister close in age?
What is your personality like? Are you demanding, accepting, withholding, anxious, quick to anger, blaming, peaceful? This will be a long list of options. Choose what best describes your personality. Be brutally honest; only you will see your list.
Which of your non-work activities would you like to share with a loving partner?

What do you expect from a romantic partnership? I know, I know, we men really don’t like phrases like “romantic partnership.” Too touchy-feely, right? But the fact is that seeking love assumes you have in mind a deeply romantic and loving relationship, and if it is to last, it must become a “partnership.” Questions to ask:

Do you envision having sex like porn stars? I’m sorry, I hated putting this one first on the list. Just being honest.
Are you willing to become emotionally involved? And to allow your vulnerabilities to show? How do you envision this?
Are you willing to dispense with the porn imagery and focus your attention on making love in ways that actually express love? With kindness, gentleness, slowly and with attention to your partner’s desires?
Are you ready and willing to understand your partner’s suffering? Everyone has suffered, and these experiences shape us. You will need to ask about these, and listen closely to the answers.
Are you ready to enter into an equally-shared domestic life? How good are you now at keeping house?

Are you focused on external beauty or internal beauty? Yep, I get it, this is driving you nuts, right? External beauty refers to standards that shift with the times and are not very meaningful. Internal beauty is in the eye of the beholder and is much related to her personality, the look in her eyes, how she tilts her head when listening, and a myriad of possible traits. Questions to ask:

If external beauty is on your mind, then ask yourself from where do these images come? Are these valid sources? Are they real people?
Internal beauty is universal, and so you may have experienced this with friends or family members. What inner traits do you find attractive?
What kinds of inner traits do you possess that may constitute internal beauty? In other words, that another person may understand and value?
Do you know what beauty is? If you’re thinking naked bodies, you’re way off track. Beauty is the quality or group of qualities in a person that gives pleasure to your senses, mind or heart.

Were you raised in a loving home? Okay, this is a tough one. If the answer is yes, then you are a lucky man. Sadly, many of us cannot answer with a simple “yes.” If your parents didn’t love and understand each other, how are you to know what love looks like? Questions to ask:

Carefully consider your home life when you were a child. Was it calm and orderly? Or chaotic and disorganized? Was there yelling? Fights? Drinking? Abuse?
Were your parents openly loving toward each other? Did you see them hugging or kissing? Did they hug or kiss you?
If you had siblings as a child, what were your relationships like with them? Which did you enjoy? Which did you despise? Why?
Were your friends welcome to visit you at home? How did your parents treat them? Was your home a neighborhood hangout for friends?
As a teenager, how much did you strive to stay away from home? What did you do during these periods of independence?

Are you a patient man? This is crucial, but on the service, seems obvious. Yet many of us lack the patience to see our projects through. Or easily lose interest if things are not going our way. Or walk away when the going gets challenging. Questions to ask:

Think of a time and situation where you walked away because things became overly challenging, confusing or disorderly. Was that the best decision? The best outcome?
How good are you at slow relationship building? Have you ever experienced a relationship with a new friend or dating partner that was going too slowly for your taste? Why was this a problem?
Imagine dating a prospective partner for several months before things become sexual. How does this feel? How well would you tolerate this situation?
Are you willing to get to know a person as a friend before considering them as a potential romantic partner?
Would you be willing to continue the friendship if romance fails to develop?

What makes you happy? Where do you find happiness? Pay close attention to this item. Carefully consider your answers, and again, he brutally honest. Questions to ask:

What kinds of media consumption do you find yourself drawn to? Does it really make you happy? Are you sure?
What kinds of social media do you use? Which programs, podcasts or message systems do you follow? Does this involvement make you happy? Angry? Sad?
Are there things that make you happy that you would rather not share with a romantic partner? Why not?
Which sources of happiness or activities would you like to invite a new romantic partner to enjoy with you?

Are you a loner or a people person? Introvert or extrovert? Consider your current situation, and think seriously about how you would feel living in a domestic partnership. Questions to ask:

How much do you value your time alone? Are you easily overwhelmed by people? Are you willing to share these things with a prospective romantic partner?
When you join a group for a night out or for dinner, do you find you want your time together to continue? Or do you spend your time scanning for the exits?
Do you have a friend or friends with whom you can completely relax? Do you think you can establish this same degree of relaxation with a romantic partner?
Are you lonely? And perhaps desperate for companionship? Do you hope to find a romantic partner who can be a good companion?

Are you a people-pleaser or ‘nice guy?’ Do you find yourself going out of your way to please people, or act like a super nice guy around women? Questions to ask:

Do you expect a transactional “give and take” when you have pleased people? Do you expect sexual intimacy in return for working so hard to be a nice guy?
What are your standard reactions when people fail to deliver on these expectations? Do you find relationships ending?
How do you feel when the people-pleasing activities fail? Are you depressed? Sad? Angry?

What is your relationship history? This one is really tough, so hang in there. Consider each of your past friendships and romantic involvements, whether one date or a previous marriage. How did they end? Questions to ask:

Is there some common reason or problem that resulted in all or most of your prior relationships ending? What was the reason or reasons?
Assuming you have had prior dating experiences, how far did these relationships get and how did they end?
Have you had falling-out experiences with family members? How did these end?
Consider this relationship history as a whole and look for common features. Are there one or two features that appear to repeat over and over? If yes, you may need to work on yourself before launching into new romantic opportunities.

What words do you use to describe women when around male friends? Words are reflections of the mind. Whatever your intentions, the use of words can indicate disdain, blame, hatred, superiority, or loving kindness. Questions to ask:

Consider times when you have been around male friends. What words did you use to describe women? What words did they use?
Are you comfortable with these particular words? Would you share them with women friends or a prospective romantic partner?
If you are unhappy with these words, would you be willing to work on this on your own? There are numerous mindfulness strategies for modifying our use of words.

Do you consume alcohol or take other drugs at social gatherings? This one is tricky because you will need to decide what is appropriate for you, what is unhealthy, and how much is too much. Questions to ask:

You are at dinner with a few friends. How many drinks do you consume? Do you ever have trouble driving home, or need a ride?
If you use other drugs, what are they and how much do you use?
Do you consume them alone (e.g. in the restroom) or openly with your friends?
What kinds and how much alcohol and other drugs do you keep at home?
Do you think taking any of these substances may interfere with establishing a romantic relationship?

Are you a good listener? Do you earnestly pay attention when another person speaks? Does your attention drift off when you can’t seem to grasp a person’s meaning? Questions to ask:

When a friend or romantic interest speaks, do you listen for understanding? Are you really listening, or just waiting for your turn to speak?
Are you willing to follow-along with questions when you need clarification of another’s statement?
Do you remain open to another’s perspective even if it seems at odds with yours?
Do you show you are listening? How do you show this in a meaningful and effective way?

How comfortable are you with women’s issues? Consider the various issues important to women today and carefully assess your immediate reactions to each of them. Generally immediate reactions are more telling than thinking about things, especially for controversial subjects.

Feminism.
Gender equality.
Equal pay for equal work.
Rape and gender violence.
For each of these, what comes up for you when you hear this word or phrase? Are you familiar with each agenda? Do any make you uncomfortable?
Do you find yourself shying away from, or overtly disagreeing with any of these issues? Are you willing to share your reactions with a prospective romantic partner?

Are you considering the long haul? After the blazing love affair is over, and the sexual play begins to dwindle, and life becomes complicated by jobs, family life or possibly children, what then? Questions to ask:

Are you prepared to consider long-term issues such as these? Are you thinking with your head and not your ever-ready d*ck?
Don’t get me wrong. A blazing love affair can be fun, if both partners are willing to let it end.
Are you ready for the transition to a long-term committed, deep and abiding friendship? The transition can be intense, and it may also be the most wonderful experience of your life.

There you have it. Surely there are more tips supported by mindfulness practices. But this is a good start.

How is all of this related to mindfulness? The essence of this exercise is to help you build self-awareness and to let go of old, worn-out images of yourself. Trusting your heart with another person is an act of courage, respect, compassion, and resilience. You are on a path toward building trust, with yourself and with your romantic partner. Walking the path mindfully will greatly benefit you even if the romance fails.

If you find yourself deficient in any of these areas and wish to improve, check out these books on mindfulness practice by Jon-Kabat Zinn and Thich Nhat Hanh.

And if you find you need the company of other men with whom to discuss and learn in full confidence, check out a men’s mindfulness discussion group here.

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Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator of the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a men’s mindfulness discussion group. He holds a Masters degree in Psychological Services and a PhD in Communication Studies.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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