A little while back it hit me: when we hire a candidate for a job, we don’t test out random candidates to see if by chance they fit the bill. Instead, we write a job description, we screen potential candidates by skills, values and qualities that are relevant to the vacancy and we ensure as much as possible that we hired the right person.
We don’t hire a social media manager to run our finances and hope that they do a good job. We check if the candidate will be a good fit for us and for the team. We take them through several rounds of interviews.
We don’t meet a random person, think they are wonderful based on a first interaction and hire them on the spot without knowing much about them at all. Also, we don’t hire them for a job they are not prepared nor for one they do not want. Even worse, we don’t create a job out of the blue that didn’t exist just so that they can be in our lives.
Yet when it comes to partners, it feels like we leave choice to chance.
In our 20’s, we are hiring based on potential. In our 30’s this strategy is counterintuitive because we have elements to actually assess what did actually did do with all of that potential.
In theory, hiring in our 30’s should be easier than in our 20’s because we can actually see what the person is capable of.
In love, we are taught to be open minded: looks don’t matter, the career doesn’t really matter, their background is not necessarily relevant to who they are today.
But are these attributes really not that important?
When I advise startups, I find that often first time founders think of one person they admire from previous experience and they try to hire them by creating a role that suits the candidate, one which will make them say yes to the job. More often than not, they could have spent much less money and had much better results by hiring for a vacancy they truly needed to fill instead of asking a talented person to join the team who doesn’t have the right set of skills.
If you think you are doing this person a favor by hiring them, you are not. You are setting them and yourself up for failure, not for success.
The same can be said of love.
John Dewy said:
‘we don’t learn from experience, we learn from reflecting on experience.’
So let’s do exactly that, let’s take all of our experiences out of that drawer and lay them out on the table. What have we learned from them? What are the attributes that work for us and which don’t?
Let’s step out of the ‘perfect person’ idea. We already know that doesn’t exist. Let’s focus on a person that is aligned with who are today and who we want to be moving forward.
If I were hiring for the position of My Perfect Partner, what would that job description look like?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not taking the romance out of it, but after crashing with heartbreak this many times over the past 20 years I think we are bound to look for a better selection process.
It’s not just about finding what you like, but also what you know for certain that you don’t like. If we need to make all the heartbreak and pain count for something, we need to learn not just from our mistakes but also from the positives.
Have you ever found yourself choosing completely new people in the hopes that it somehow works out?
Personally, my choices have been varied, I try to choose partners that can meet two or more of my different selection criteria: brain, career, capability of love, potential closeness with my family, height, ability to see the real me, level of excitement or challenge they bring me and so on so forth. I have dated people of different ages, different socio-economic backgrounds, completely different looks.
On my birthday I wrote a post called ‘Letter in a bottle to my future husband’. A few times over the past few months I thought he may have read it and that the right person had finally come along, however it turned out I was wrong every single time.
So far, nothing has worked. No one was able to fill the role of my partner. I needed to find a new hiring methodology, and this got me thinking:
What if we applied a recruitment mindset to love?
A dear friend’s ex boyfriend told me that when you are looking for a partner, you need to visualize exactly what you are looking for, from the color of their hair to their top values. What is their energy like? What stands out about them?
I never truly believed this to be true: I don’t have one specific physical standard my future husband needs to live by. I do however want someone who is warm, loving, strong, sweet etcetera etcetera.
Whether we are in a relationship or single, this exercise will come in handy.
Write down a job description for the role of your partner.
I have tried to group some major categories of characteristics we should be thinking about:
- Physical traits:
- Values:
- Job:
- Birth family:
- Kids:
- Religion:
- Day to day lifestyle:
- Anything else which matters to you
Looking for a balanced man with strong energy, with an infinite mind full of ideas and the ability to listen to the chaos in my mind without panicking. Someone who will love my endless ideas and who is able to support me in choosing the best ones. A very physical individual who will take the time to get to know me deeply, who won’t be scared of how much I have lived and on the contrary, embrace it and cherish it. A man who is excited to start a family, who dreams of this and who is ready for it emotionally, psychologically and financially.
I am looking for someone who is curious, with a growth mindset, very kind not just to me but everyone around us. At the same time I want to meet someone who will take care of me, who will protect me when others try to take advantage of me or to hurt me (yes, I know I can do this on my own too). I am looking for a parter who will put the couple first knowing full well that only in this way we can raise the most wonderful kids in a united family. I am looking for a parter who loves family, who will put mine first alongside theirs, who will support me and my family no matter what happens and who welcomes me into theirs.
I have lived and explored, I am looking for someone who has done the work to know who he is and what he stands for.
On practical terms I am looking for a partner who shares a similar lifestyle, healthy, balanced, not a big partier, someone who loves to read or to learn endlessly and to share it with me. I want someone who is able to turn the world off and tune into me, into us, on a weekend or when needed. I want someone who is present in my life and in my dreams, who is my person and I am theirs.
I want a partner who will put us first, eager to build a life together into a forever universe, knowing that love doesn’t just fall from the sky, it’s built from the heart and lots of hard work.
Physically I would like a partner who is taller than I am and who is an amazing kisser and with a hug that is a perfect fit.
To play into my insecurities, I need someone who will reassure me that he will be there for me, who will hold a space for me to be myself in all of my moods and creative spaces.
Let’s build a shared vision together, that allows us to become better people and to do our part, big or small as it may be, in shifting the world into a better place.
Values to be shared:
- Freedom
- Family
- Kindness
- Sincerity
- Growth mindset
- Hard work
- Integrity
- Ambition
- Balance
- Consistency
- Communication
- Dependability
- Empathy
- Energy
- Respect
With this said, every job description is made up of two parts: what we are looking for and what we are offering in return.
This is the part most people tend to forget, you cannot simply visualize and be aware of what you want, you also have to be incredibly aligned and aware of who you are and of what you bring to the table.
What do you have to offer?
So often we are so immersed in what we want that we forget to work on the only part of this we can truly control: ourselves. To have realistic expectations means being fully aware of what you bring to the table.
Here I go:
You will be joining a woman full of life. I offer you more love and genuine care and kindness than you will ever need. I promise to work on being as balanced as possible, as aligned with myself as I can be, as ready for your arrival as I can possibly be. I will keep putting the work in to take care of myself and of you all throughout out relationship.
I will champion your ideas, I will support you and believe alongside all of your ups and downs. Put me first, and I will never make you choose between me, work or anything else.
I will uphold the values I asked to share with you. I will be there to talk through anything that’s important to you. If I mess up, I will apologise and I will learn. I vow to keep changing, to keep growing, to always be curious and not to take you for granted.
Most importantly, I promise to commit to our love forever, putting all the hard work to keep it real, romantic, sparkly, connected and deep in all the years ahead.
Why writing this down is so important
If you are serious about making this happen, writing it down is fundamental.
It is only by writing this down that you being to truly see on paper what it is that you are asking for. You are putting it down in words, you are sending the universe a clear sign. You have a place where you can re-read what you want when you get lost.
Let’s do this in a better way, let’s stop wasting our time by thinking everyone who comes our way is a sign from the universe or exactly the opposite: that no one is good enough.
Are you ready to hire someone who is actually right for the job?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
