Ah, the changing of the seasons! One of my favorite times of the year, and, here in Missouri, summer was clinging on for dear life to the very last second. Literally. The last day of summer, high temperature was 97, first day of autumn, high temp of 71.
And, with the coming of autumn also comes one of the most prominent times for people to start relationships. I often refer to Halloween as the last singles holiday until St. Patrick’s Day. Every holiday between those two is relationship/family-oriented. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s, they’re all about being with other people. I look at Halloween as the Mardi Gras for singles, before we have to descend into that painful Lent for single people. Either you’re in a relationship or else you’re surrounded by people who are, and social media means that you’re going to be inflicted with EVERYone who’s in a relationship while you’re not… oh, it can get taxing.
That’s probably why more relationships get started this time of year than any other. That’s also why, during this time of year, I get more people bemoaning the fact that they don’t know if they’re actually IN a relationship or not. Seriously, I see people posting about it, I hear it in conversations, people ask me for advice on it, the whole lot. My first piece of advice is always the most straightforward- if you don’t know if it’s a relationship, why don’t you ASK?! Sure, asking takes some guts, but it gets you that answer, most of the time, anyway. And, if it doesn’t get you the answer, well, that should still BE your answer, right?
However (he wrote with a great sigh), if you don’t want to make things weird by asking that question, I have constructed a bit of a list of things to check down to see how serious things are. Keep in mind that everyone’s different, we all have different external responsibilities and experiences which determine these factors and how much they play in our dating situations, but these are, at least, some good general guides to use.
First up, how often do you go out? How often do you make personal contact? Do you only see them once a week, every two weeks, or is it more often? Do you talk beyond times when you’re going out? And, in an age where it feels like phone conversations are becoming more passe, it also becomes more meaningful if you are actually able to go beyond texting/Facebook messenger and have a real phone conversation, but, if that’s not your thing, then ask, how long does it normally take them to answer those messages? This is a simple starting measure; if you see them only a couple of times a month, don’t communicate much outside those, it takes them a long time to respond, then you’re obviously not a huge part of their life.
Next, how exposed to their life are you? There are the basic factors- knowing their birthdate, middle name, where they work, what have you, but a lot of the basics you can just as easily find on their social media; total strangers can sometimes see that stuff, so go deeper. A big question- have you met their friends? As in, spent time with those friends in some capacity outside people you just run into at a bar or some such? Have they started to include you in their social sphere? What about their family? Met any of them? Do they even know you exist?
Example- I dated a woman for four months, and one of the clearest signs that she wasn’t real about it was when I realized that we’d been dating for months and I hadn’t met a single one of her friends, not a co-worker, not her family, nothing. We spent time together fairly regularly, but I was very noticeably kept out of her social and familial worlds. When a person does that, it’s usually indicative of withholding. They don’t want you in that part of their life because it makes it that much harder to get rid of you.
When you spend time together, how much are you actually getting to know about them? Do they just tell you stories about what went on during their day/week, or are you actually getting to learn more about who they are, why they do certain things, their actual personality? See, a person who wants to let you into their life is one who will start to share more details about themself. I know, it’s hard to really see that because some people will tell everyone everything, but, even with people like that, you can get something of a read on where it stands.
Likewise, are they asking you questions about your personal details? Do they just want to talk about movies, tv, news, work, or do they want to actually get to know who you really are? Typically, a person who only talks about external things is not interested in bonding on the internal. If they keep the conversation about things outside of themself, then they are not interested in sharing that kind of connection with you.
One of the harder questions to ask, but so important when determining where you fit in someone’s life- how important are you to them? What’s your priority in their life? Not just how important do they make you feel, but how hard do they try to make you an active part of their life? To effectively prioritize in that way, a potential relationship partner should be willing to put you above certain other items in their routine. Obviously, jobs and kids have their places- you wouldn’t want to be with someone who made their kids wait an extra hour to be picked up just to have lunch with you, right-, but, if you’re going to have a place in their life, you need to know that you do have some manner of importance to them.
And it’s all too hard to get sucked into deception when this topic comes up, because people are great at making excuses; worse, the recipients are far too good at accepting those excuses as truth. If they’re constantly late to meeting up with you, but they end those meetings by saying how they need to get to whatever else, what does that tell you about your relative importance? If they are always making plans and then breaking or shortening them, but they somehow can always make it to their routines with friends, what does that say as to where you stand? Another personal example: I had been seeing this particular woman for a few months, and the only consistent factor was dates canceled, delayed, ending early, drastic changes. I told myself that she had a busy routine, she worked a great deal, had a kid, all the regular reasons, but it began to wear on me.
Finally, one night when we were to meet at a bar and she ended up over three hours late (I only stayed at that bar because I ran into friends; I still don’t know if she was even coming out to meet up with me at that point or just have a drink), I called her out on it. That’s when the whole excuse train began once more- “I’m sorry, I guess I’m just not ready for a relationship, I don’t have the time and energy with everything else going on in my life, you’re really great and I’m sorry for wasting your time like this” and so on. Funny post-script: less than a month later, she made her relationship public and moved in with her boyfriend. Lesson? If they want to make you a priority, they will. If they don’t, it’s because they just aren’t willing to put that energy in. Don’t try to change it; why should you waste time and effort going after someone who isn’t willing to work as much for you??
Are they there when you need them? This is a really hard line down which to go, but, if you were caught in a bad situation, would they come through for you? It doesn’t even have to be something like them bailing in the middle of a work day and possibly getting fired, or donating a kidney or a place to hide a body, it’s as simple as this: If you were in a bad spot, could you call them and know that they would be willing to help? Would you even feel comfortable asking them for help in such a situation?
A note about the above questions: when I drop this one on people, I have found that people suddenly get the idea to start trying this out, experimenting on their partners. NO, DO NOT DO THIS. First of all, it’s just a shitty thing to do, creating a disaster and seeing if they’ll step up. Second, it’s like the boy who cried wolf, you don’t want to be that person; how’d you like it if they pulled that kind of crap on you?! Finally, it’s kind of weird, but people can sometimes sense when it’s a real emergency vs. when it’s a put-up job/they know they’re being tested. And thus people’s reactions will not be objectively unbiased when those things occur, so it’s not a true experiment.
These are just the rudimentary questions, of course, but it’s a beginning. Above all, do not start drawing your own conclusions about whether you are or are not in a relationship, because, when it’s said and done, you are NOT in a relationship until both parties agree, just like two countries don’t have a peace treaty just because they haven’t been at war for years. These lines of thought can be a good start to seeing if you should even bother considering a relationship with someone, though, and that’s more important.
Just remember, a relationship NEEDS to go both ways, or else it’s just servitude. And also, keep in mind that, as I said in the beginning, this time of year leads a lot of people (of both genders) to trying to be in a relationship just to avoid being alone; such relationships typically burn out by spring. Before getting too serious with anyone, be certain that it’s not just the holiday spirit of loneliness motivating them toward you, or you to them. In the long run, you’re better off being alone than being wrapped up in that kind of deception.
However it goes, I hope you all have a very enjoyable autumn. Take care of one another.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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