To My ‘Could’ve Been Rebound’ Person

The post-breakup phase has been very tough on me. Although, I do find myself pretty lucky to have met a woman afterwards who helped me believe in love again.

We didn’t work out because I was still trying to move on and I felt she would only act as a rebound for me, and kept myself distant from getting in a serious relationship with her.

But she did all she could, and I just chickened out and gave up. Here’s a letter I sent her months later, which she was really appreciative of.

Dear Karen,

I hope you are doing well. I am writing to you to apologize and thank you for a few things. I don’t want you to read this to reply to me, nor am I writing to get you back or expecting from you….I just want you to have this letter, my very first one that I’ve written after a long long time. And I’m certain that this is going to someone who well deserves this from me.

First off, I wanna begin with the apologies. And let me first apologize in advance for things that I’m too stupid to comprehend that I’ve done wrong.

I’ve not had a great company of a person as yourself in a while. And when I had you, I didn’t even realize I was taking it for granted. And when I lost you for your personal reasons, instead of understanding you, I just let myself lose control and said awful things to you, and blamed you and probably caused you a lot of discomfort. I compared you to one of the awful parts of my life. My ex. I constantly talked about her, even after knowing that it’d not make you feel good, …I understand that it’d not make anyone feel good. I hadn’t properly moved on, and at the same time, things with you felt super-real super-fast to me, and I couldn’t deal with it. I’m sorry for all these and many more mistakes that I don’t even know I’ve committed. I’m sorry for taking you for granted, for comparing you to my ex, for saying awful things to you, for not being there for you when you needed me, for the blaming, and for not doing so many things I could’ve done to make you feel a billion times better, cause not only you need to feel good, you deserve to feel good.

If I ever had to defend myself for my mistakes, then I’d say I wasn’t myself during those days, and haven’t been myself for a long time. It may sound like I’m making excuses, but I’ve been at the darkest of times all through the year, and I just couldn’t handle anything. Maybe that’s why I just snapped and said things to you, and got angry and upset and all negative emotions came flowing through me.

Although apologetic, I am also very very grateful to you. Because you have made me believe in love once again. Thank you for putting me on the receiving end of things, it surely was the best. It was very very warm, and I didn’t know this could ever happen to me. But now I do. Thank you for your letters, your texts, your motivational messages, your constant trials to keep me around and smiling, and helping me get through with things. You were, and still are, someone who’s beautiful from inside and outside, and I really adore that about you. Thank you for your partnership in this even though I was difficult to handle. Thank you for believing in me enough to share things and be vulnerable and cry around me.

You’re a very kind soul and I want you to do the same help for as many people as you can, for people like me, for people like you, who go through this constant mental pinning down everyday, and cry themselves to sleep, and wish someone was out there just to get through the night. Motivate them, show them love and care and support and communicate. But also do seek help from people when you are in absolute need of it.

As of now, I’m still in the process of healing. I’m getting saner by the day. Things have not been at their best, within myself, but I’m able to cope with things and do stuff to keep my sanity. I do get scared sometimes, as if I’m gonna lose it and just crack.

Please take extreme care of yourself. I want you to be healthy mentally and physically and emotionally so that you are in a strong frame yourself to take care of your siblings and your parents. There are moments when things don’t make sense and you just wish you could run away, but take a moment, and try to calm yourself up and make better decisions, which you will surely do. Just try and stay calm so that your mom isn’t too worried about you alright?

I’m also so intrigued by your uncle, how cool he is, and proud of him for taking such good care of you. I hope I’ll be able to be that for my niece someday. Do be in touch with him as much as you can and he’ll surely help you make the right decisions and take care of you in hard times, and help you in most parts of your life I guess, cause he seems very cool….. at least that’s how I see him in my head.

So, once again, I’m sorry for the wrongs, and I’m more than grateful for your kindness and generosity and love.

Take good care.

Much Love,

Manish.

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Previously Published on medium

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