Many “earth people,” i.e. those who haven’t grappled with addictions look at an addict/alcoholic and make judgements according to the behavior they see and are affected by. This is understandable. Who likes dishonesty, manipulation, aggression and irresponsibility? Nobody.
We know that once a person becomes addicted the physical compulsion to use overwhelms good sense and any reasonable value system. At this point the addict/alcoholic become myopically focused on one thing: more. This comes at the expense of other important life categories: job, family, responsibilities and money.
But what lies below the surface and drives the desire to self-medicate in the first place? Often, it’s trauma and knowing this can humanize our understanding of our fellows. In my case, I was a sensitive kid who became emotionally wounded by my father’s consistent verbal abuse: “Get your fat fucking head out of the way! Nice job, Freddy Fuck Up! Goddamn your eyes.” He could also be violent, kicks, slaps and sometimes punches. Things became more emotionally complicated for me when I was sexually abused at a young age. The people around me, and those judging me knew nothing about my struggles with my father or about my sexual abuse. One, because I too ashamed and emotionally disfigured to share, and two because my father was a “street angel, house devil.” A man in disguise.
I felt constantly broken hearted, anxious and depressed. My self-esteem was crushed and I was prone to keening rages that alienated me from others. At a young age I drank for the first time and after a couple beers discovered the warm glow that banished my anxiety and sadness. I fell in love.
Lacking access to a healthier manner of coping, I continued to drink regularly and developed a dependency before I was out of my teens. In my early twenties I discovered cocaine. The addictive potential of cocaine is high and it wasn’t long before I was hooked. My use progressed rapidly. Then, I started to smoke it and within a year, I lost everything, all my money, a marriage, custody of my daughter and any semblance of dignity and self-respect. I lived in a small town and my addictive behavior was on full display. I was looked down upon and my already trauma-tattered self-esteem came completely undone. I felt this judgment keenly.
For many addict/alcoholics trauma is a fact of life. A U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs Study found that four out of ten subjects with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) developed problems with substance use disorders (SUD) which is twice as likely as those without PTSD. Conversely, a National Library of Medicine study found that 40.9 percent of those with SUD had a co-morbid mood disorder in their lifetime. One thing driving the other.
My therapist told me, “As far as you becoming addicted, you were a loaded gun just waiting to go off.” What she meant was that my PTSD, genetic predisposition and drug and alcohol fueled environment all made me highly susceptible to developing addictions. When I understood this about myself, I developed a more empathetic self-regard. I began to feel that I deserved to get well and sought support and trauma-informed care wherever I could find it. This made all the difference. Today, I lead a healthy and responsible existence. I do so in part because my therapist came to understand me, empathize with me and to encourage me.
If you are suffering with addictions, know that with better self-understanding and comprehensive support you can get well. For those living in relation to someone with addictions, it’s sensible to find your own support in self-help such as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon and/or a therapist that understands the effects of living with someone addicted.
It’s tempting when struggling with someone’s addiction to write them off completely, and you should do whatever you need to protect yourself, but know that it’s likely there is more to the story underneath. Knowing the whole story leads us to a more empathetic and compassionate understanding of our fellow human beings. This in turn makes it more likely they will access treatment and get well, rather than being shamed, judged and pushed away. Stigma serves no one.
Finally, this entreaty applies to all of us, not just the addicted. If we can look more deeply into the travails of our brothers and sisters, we can understand and care for them on a deeper level, rather than feel alienated from them. We need this now more than ever.
Previously Published on substack
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