To Save Our Couple, I Ditched My Beloved Self-Help Books

A match made in Disney books!

A few months ago, I started dating someone. With him, I felt like I had won the lottery, considering his answer to any of my suggestions was always positive.

Going to watch the latest rom-com? Yes. Participating in a pottery class? Yes. Attending a Nicki Minaj concert? Also yes (even if that was a mistake)!

I believed I had found a partner who liked the same things as I did, and I attributed the successful match to the hundreds of personal development books that advised me to pursue my passions, promising that my perfect match would eventually come my way.

But it was all an illusion.

It’s not that my man had purposely faked liking these things (he was pretty explicit about the Nicki Minaj experience), but as a serial relationship buddy, his highest priority was doing activities as a couple, regardless of whether he truly wanted to participate.

For my boyfriend, spending time together was the best way to ensure that love grew between us. For me, the key was staying true to myself and only participating in events I enjoyed.

So when my lover asked whether I was interested in joining him at a Latino concert, EDM party, or going camping (dear God, now with the midges raging full throttle?), I simply said ‘no’.

I had tried these before and they weren’t my type of fun activities, so I followed the guidance of all the self-improvement books I had devoured which had warned me that to find happiness, I had to stay authentic to my core.

My boyfriend eventually grew frustrated that I wouldn’t make any effort to share the things he enjoyed. He felt that I was selfish and only cared about my own agenda. It wasn’t true, but the fine print wasn’t clear.

I thought I was allowing him to get some ‘me time’ to recharge, have a break from me — his needy girlfriend — and make friends who shared his interests. I was dead wrong.

Did I get cheated?

None of the self-help books I read had warned me that pursuing my own joy and defending my ‘me time’ could be detrimental to my relationship.

That made me wonder how many of these self-improvement authors stayed happily married? Or did they forget to mention that we can be authentic 80% of the time, but when our partner is in the picture, we need to adapt to them to ensure peace?

Maybe these writers were just lucky to marry young and had grown up alongside their partners because that’s the obvious cheat sheet to easily adjust to someone. Unfortunately, nearing forty, that wasn’t my case.

I spent two decades reading their books to learn to thrive on my own, sustain my own ass, create a cozy network of friends, and develop a strong personality with specific tastes.

I wasn’t afraid of dining alone or partaking in ‘non-traditional’ activities (like a naked bike ride or tantra speed dating). I had no one to justify anything to, and yet, I was constantly striving to be a better human. After twenty years, I thought I was close to achieving that quest.

The blunt truth

One night, my boyfriend mentioned that I was criticizing him too much and that for him, a relationship wasn’t worth it if it was going to be full of arguments.

According to my logic, I was only helping him become the best version of himself. In my mind, he should have been grateful, as I was sparing him the books and instead offering him a crash course — for free!

Living single and abroad, compromises had not been part of my vocabulary for at least three years. I had found the optimum organization for my flat and life, but now I was being told by a lovely human that, as perfect as it was, conforming to that optimum was draining for him.

I still saw the value in working on oneself, but my way of doing that had been by removing predicaments from my life. Instead of learning how to adapt to whatever life threw at me, I had only learned to cherry-pick my favorite activities, places, and people, reluctantly accepting mandatory obligations like taxes and work.

I had learned to make myself feel secure in a safety cocoon. But how good was that when things weren’t turning out the way I wanted them to?

What I still needed to learn was how to instill this feeling of safety within a relationship, or in life in general. Because others are bound to rub against us. Fortunately, the pleasure of being rubbed the right way by our special someone makes the effort worthwhile.

Swapping specialties…

It’s a meaningful effort to switch from the mode of peaceful solo to being a significant part of a unit of two. To assist me on this journey, I started binging on relationship books to compensate for the hundreds of self-help books I had previously read. I quickly noticed a very different array of themes.

Self-help books helped me build my self-confidence, find purpose in life, develop a positive mindset, manage stress, cultivate resilience, adopt healthier habits, and reframe my thought patterns.

I’m very grateful to have learned about those but how did the themes of self-discovery, personal awareness, skills development, and well-being merge with relationship advice?

They didn’t! So far, the dozen relationship books I’ve read encouraged me instead to nurture intimacy and connection with my partner, resolve conflicts constructively, understand the most common traits of each gender, gain insights into different attachment styles, and navigate trust issues and jealousy.

It made me reflect that it feels like quite a gamble to work towards being a better partner when said partner may very well leave or, worse, die first!

For a while, I resisted the switch, thinking I’d rather keep investing in myself because I’ll always be my most loyal companion until the day I croak.

But at the same time, no one else will trigger growth more than a partner because they will make you question everything you were sure of — your values, beliefs, and habits.

…For a greater value

Indulging in this relationship literature, I can see how it will help me be a better member of the community, a better friend, and a better co-worker. It also highlighted the fact that I cannot put all the responsibilities of living a harmonious life onto my partner — as it’s a lot.

So I now see how, regardless of what happens with my current boyfriend, this experience will never be a loss. Developing the ability to be a good partner is a completely different set of skills, and it’s hard work, but in the long run, it will pay off far beyond just the confined limits of our house and relationship.

So, any good relationship book recommendations, anyone?

…

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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