Having friends you can talk to and spend time with is a beautiful thing. We struggle to keep up without friends. Giving up friendships goes hand in hand with growing up. Some friendships are just not meant to be forever. That´s alright. Learn to let go and move on. But there are the ones we wish to keep. How can we sustain them? That’s not easy to answer. Friendships are sometimes harder developed than relationships. Maybe is time to get over ourselves and recalibrate our relationships.
wrote in 13 Tiny-Yet-Toxic Habits That Can Kill Your Relationship about the mistakes we stumble across in relationships. She picked out the tiny things such as lowering your expectations or talking enough. Could you translate those toxic habits into friendships?
It is a matter of fact that we lack true friendships. The older we get the harder it becomes to make new friends. Our ability to make new friends decreases past the age of 25. We find ourselves left with people we hang around with, but do we consider them our friends? What makes a good friend? Do we have good friends? Well, let´s save the answers up for last.
refers in her piece to a study by John Gottman that concludes in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert that good marriages base on good friendships. But what makes a good friendship? It is better to go down the other route. Discover what makes a bad friendship so you can spot a good one.
Toxic habits that make a bad friendship
Do you trust your friends? Mistrust keeps us apart. It breaks relationships and friendships. No matter how hard you try, you can not balance mistrust in a long-lasting relationship. If you constantly feel excluded or let down you should move on. Developing trust takes time and commitment. Viktor Sander B.Sc., B.A. recommends “to risk putting trust into others” and to “remind yourself that trust takes time”. Be patient with your friends. Don’t make it too complicated for them. Trust needs to be balanced. How to develop trust? Trust is a tough nut to crack. Being accepting and understanding isn’t enough. Too often we look out for the little things that make us trustless. Why didn’t my friend tell me that she is dating the new guy? Why didn’t he talk about his loss?
How children learn to trust was a fundamental question explored by several eminent developmental psychologists of the 20th century, notably Erik Erikson, John Bowlby, and D.W. Winnicott. Each wrote extensively about trust and the key role it plays in children’s ongoing growth and development. — Joyce Catlett, M.A.
Joyce Catlett, M.A. describes that trust is built early in life. The relationships we have with our parents define our ability to trust. According to Erikson trust is linked to the “ratio of trust and mistrust” we develop early on. Trust lies within us. Our ability to trust reflects our experiences. Building trust is crucial to friendships. If you don’t trust, the relationship morphs.
№2 Not giving enough
Contrary to women’s health friendships is not about receiving more than you get it is about giving it all. If you have a friend and he or she is going through a tough time be there for them. Don’t demand their respect before you give it. Be patient before you expect patience.
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. –Winston Churchill
Giving is more important than anything else in a friendship. You should be able to give regardless of what you receive. Of course, there are boundaries of healthy relationships, but giving with asking for something in return never serves you well.
№3 Not wanting the best
Do you want the best for your friends? Do you want the best for them? Are you sure? A true friend’s desire is your happiness, regardless of what they consider best of you. If you are not willing to want the best for your friend, you are not a good friend. This sounds harsh, but it is true. Especially if you have experienced it. Have you ever come up with a great idea that disregarded your friends from the beginning? Well, welcome to the club of toxic friendships. The membership is free and limitless. Enjoy! Getting stuck is easy, whereas getting unstuck requires energy. What is it that your friends wish for? What makes them happy?
№4 No time
Friendships are not light switches that you flick on and off when it is convenient for you or when you need it to serve you. — Dandapani
Friendships require time as much as they require effort. Both sides should invest an equal amount of time or commitment into the friendship. It is important to take the time with your friends and include them in your schedule. You might not be able to meet every day, but you can meet regularly. Make it possible.
Why do we cling to toxic relationships?
Well, if I knew that answer…. It is an unspoken truth that we find great pleasure in the pain of unfulfilling relationships. We cling to them and we make it as hard as possible for us to leave. Why leave for something or somebody else? It could be worse. But mostly it isn’t. Stop pretending is the first step.
This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
|Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often||Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It||The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex||..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything|
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Photo credit: Unsplash