My personal experience has proved that it is not easy to walk away from an abusive relationship. You feel tied to the other person. There is a deep emotional attachment, and your mind is confused because the abuse is alternated with acts of love.
Signs of Trauma Bond:
You justify their abuse with the kind gestures
A trauma bond is not easy to spot; the abuse is alternated with acts of love. You can see red flags in the other person’s behavior, but you choose to neglect them by focusing on the good things they do for you.
Such a cyclical nature is a clear sign of a trauma bond. Any healthy relationship does not demand you to adjust to the phases of abuse and love. Abuse is a dealbreaker. But when you are in a traumatic bond with someone, you let go of the abuse because their good behavior gives you hope for a better future, and you are always confused if the other person is as bad as you think they are.
They are too possessive
They try to isolate you. At once, it might feel good because you feel wanted, but if the other person gets mad or behaves weirdly when you talk to or hang out with other people, it is a clear red flag.
In my case, the person I was with would often pass belittling comments about my friends and want me to stay away from them. Luckily for me, I never paid attention to it. But the situation worsened. The person went out of their way to try to make me spend all my time with them, and when I confronted the issue, they revealed that they did so because they were possessive.
I am glad I was not naive to let this go and walk away from the person then and there, but I also realize how difficult it is to spot that behavior. So, ask yourself this question: do they get mad, lash out, or try to question your personality or character when you hang out with other people?
If the answer is yes, it is a sign of trauma bonding.
You become defensive of their behavior
This is a big one. All my friends could see the red flags, but I kept denying the reality of the situation. A friend once told me that I was delusional about the relationship, and I got offended. If anyone said anything about that person to me, I would get offended or try to defend their behavior.
This is an obvious sign of a trauma bond. If all your friends can see what you cannot, it might be worth taking a step back and evaluating what they are trying to say. In retrospect, I realized that all my friends were right, even the one who said I am being delusional about it.
As per Healthline, here’s a look at some other characteristics of traumatic bonds:
- For example, you feel unhappy and may not even like your partner any longer, but you still feel unable to end things.
- When you do try to leave, you feel physically and emotionally distressed.
- They promise to change when you say you want to leave but make no effort.
- You fixate on the “good” days, using them to prove you genuinely care.
- You make excuses and defend their behavior when others express concern.
- You continue to trust them and hope to change them
- You protect them by keeping abusive behavior secret.
Why is it hard to get out of the trauma bond?
Crystal Raypole explains this beautifully in her Healthline article:
When thoughts of the abuse become too painful or difficult to bear, you focus on the positive parts of your relationship and ignore or block the rest. You might make excuses for them and justify their behavior to rationalize your need to stay. Each repetition of the cycle can reinforce this sense of powerlessness, the seeming certainty that you’ll never be able to escape. You come to believe the false reality they’ve constructed to control you: You need them. They need you. You’re nothing without them. No one else cares. These lies can chip larger and larger blocks from your identity and self-worth, tying you more tightly to the relationship.
Breaking out of Trauma Bond:
Complete cut-off
The strategy that worked most effectively for me was to cut the other person off entirely. It served a few purposes:
- I broke the cycle of abuse that helped me be to a place where I can analyze it and begin my recovery process,
- I realized that I do not need the other person; I can survive perfectly without them; in fact, I have only thrived since,
- I was no longer under the stress of hurting someone or justifying to someone the decisions that I was making for myself,
- It gave me the much-needed space to connect with my thoughts and belief systems.
Seeking professional help
For me, this did not happen immediately. It took me some time before I opened my mind to the idea of therapy. But it was a game changer for me. It helped me break the cycle of self-blame and disassociate my identity from that experience. Therapy helped me become aware of the term ‘trauma bond’ and understand its clear signs and causes so that I could avoid it in the future.
If you need details of my therapist, drop me a mail at [email protected]
Educating myself on the subject
A game changer for me was getting in touch with information about healthy relationships. I started researching love and relationships, realizing that the person I am with has deep-seated insecurities and that what I am experiencing is not love. Such awareness gave me the courage to pin the problem to its cause and walk away from the situation.
Having a support group
I discussed the situation with my friends and family. My parents heard me and were incredibly supportive, and my friends were there for me at all times. That made it easy for me to walk away from the person, not feel like my world was shattered, and have the support of loved ones whenever I felt low or alone.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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