As I stand wrapped in my Nautica bathrobe, I take a breath in anticipation of receiving my much-needed massage. After working on this upcoming show for the last four months, my emotions range from total faith in my success to total fear of failure. It is a dance of “I am Valuable Enough to be Taken Seriously” and “Do I Deserve to be Supported?” In the next breath I feel light in my spirit with the pure knowledge and wisdom of spirit being my source of everlasting support. I am a visionary artist of change. So it is my gifting and my art form to vision my own success by joining with the Spirit of Creation, co-create in unity to create a story of love and resolution. I must trust the grace of creation, but I am so human. The masseur will be here in ten minutes. I must take a breath and go within myself, so I can let go of my fear. I want to live in the moment of my personal expansion.
She arrives and we speak of what we will achieve with this massage. Last time we cleared my playing field of accepting my gift of bringing forth the joining of the divine feminine and the divine masculine, the healing of women, gays and redirecting the anger of men. I broke down and cried to release the pain of being isolated in my journey of being a man living in the world of women, the pain of being ignored as being valid by the men of my life. I had too much divine feminine for either party. After I broke down, she allowed me to lay there sobbing as she massaged lightly. I was releasing my anger, my fears of not fitting in and the long history of experiencing acts and societal thoughts of disappointment. I only learned the value of the divine masculine after I left home to evolve into my manhood during the 60’s and 70’s, living in San Francisco, when androgyny was accepted and looked on as being a plus, a blending of power. I had always felt like a stranger in a strange land. The sense of feeling of not belonging caused to me hold on to the pain and the tension that gathered in groupings in my lower back, legs, hips and my lower limbs.
I have always felt comfortable with the supportive power from my manhood and my practices of knowing the ways of women and their nurturing. I was not comfortable being rejected because I was not understood.
This time as she began to massage my lower body, I felt the release climbing from my calves up to my waist. The blood in my body began to run warm. It climbed to my shoulders and gripped my wrists, as I relaxed into a semi deep sleep.
In my dreams, I was understood for my value of being balanced in my divine feminine and divine masculine. People understood I could think in a comfortable space of logic and systems and then be comfortable in the chambers of my heart. My dream stories allowed me to see the beauty of my being, and the fact I had come to this planet to express myself as myself, in the highest form of existence. I have come to this planet to be my full self, and be a living example of a wounded spiritual warrior rising to become myself. In my dreams, I could feel the validation of I have come to be a man of love and compassion. I have come to be a living example of peace within, a balance of the divine feminine and the diving masculine, a complete divine being.
As I awaken from my dreaming, I felt comfort of being my true self as I laid awake with my eyes open staring into the sky light above my head. I now truly value my gift of being a visionary on a journey of going home to be my authentic self and I am willing to allow people to step inside my skin to know my story I have come here to share. I am so grateful to have this experience of being an artist of change, a willing human being of allowing social transformational change to take charge of my being.
I took a deep breath to rise from the massage table, being clear I am not overwhelmed to be myself and I truly have the gifts to be a part of the change I would like to see in the world. I have value and I have purpose of worth. I just have to be not afraid to be the Man of Love I am.
Photo/Pixabay