Be independent. Be the tough and resilient ones. Provide for and protect ourselves, our partners and our children. Strive and achieve as high as we choose. Reach the top of our game. Punch the air.
After all, we’re women, right?
We know that men can’t possibly be what we are—how can they?
They have no wombs, no breasts, no multitasking, diffuse-focus brains—yet we can be everything they are. We’re brought up to believe this: We don’t need them, we can be them.
At sixty-two, it’s time for me to confess. In doing so, some of my gender will consider me a traitor. I didn’t write this for them.
I confess I failed at being a man.
I failed at thriving without men. My life spiraled into dis empowerment without men. Just one good man would have prevented that from happening.
I confess I’ve pushed men away, I’ve not appreciated men and not understood what motivates them.
I hope they will collectively forgive me. Will they forgive us, the women?
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I confess I now think the ‘women can have it all’ message is a lie. Not every woman can or wants to have it all. And I confess to having had a complete shift in perspective since encountering lie-shattering revelations about understanding men and what motivates them. These revelations came via Alison Armstrong’s lifetime of work in this field. [understandmen.com]
Pity I didn’t ‘get’ this until a year ago. Thankfully, I have a few more years to enjoy observing and appreciating men—something I have not had the pleasure of doing for the past fifty plus years. Ignorance. Pure, innocent ignorance.
In a nutshell, a light-bulb revelation hit me last year:
In every man is a hero, big or small. A hero who is motivated to provide for and protect not only women, but his family, his community, his nation, his tribe.
That simple huh? Yes.
Why wasn’t I told?
Forget the layers of emasculation that are laid on him from day one. There are others who better explain this complication, and I’d be digressing from my point to go there in this post.
We women who ‘do it all’ or ‘have it all’ almost always have to become more masculine in order to achieve it. Not become smarter, not become more capable—become more masculine. Then we wonder why men don’t want to commit to us—at least, not for the long term. Why would a man be attracted to such a woman? What role is left for him, if she’s already claiming his AND her roles? Apart from being a sperm donor, there’s not much left for him to contribute, even less if she’s financially independent. How can he be her hero if she doesn’t need one? How can he be her hero if she doesn’t make space for a hero?
◊♦◊
Though I now live as a single woman—not by choice, but because well, I failed at ‘keeping’ men too—by today’s measure I can hardly call myself a success. I’ve been homeless for the past five years, and yes I’ve navigated that effectively and resourcefully for the most part, even if I’m an Emotional Time Bomb at times.
Being without the means to choose my own home is not my preferred option, though it has lead me to adventures that would never have arisen if I’d had a partner, or had the means to provide a home for myself. Being homeless takes its toll, and without the strength and safety that men effortlessly provide, the emotional toll is higher than it would otherwise be.
Reflecting on times when I felt safest or thrived, they can be attributed to the presence of men in my life as much as, if not more than, my own efforts.
Men from my family or my partners have only ever intended to help me thrive. I mostly threw their generosity back in their face by claiming I could do it all, I didn’t need their help, was as competent as they were and so on. I proudly flew the Free and Independent Woman flag that was handed to me by other women. It’s a bit tattered now.
Having burned familial bridges, male friends have since stepped forward—ready and willing to protect and provide for me when I could not meet my basic needs. To find myself dis-empowered as a mature single woman is humbling to say the least. It’s also eye- and heart-opening and woke me up to the incredible strength and generosity that is a natural quality of undamaged men. Eating humble pie also woke me up to the tragically damaged and wounded men, whose efforts to be strong and generous providers and protectors have met with hostility or emasculation from—you guessed it—the women in their lives.
The only thing stopping ‘my’ men from being even more generous was my own pride or disdain—the very qualities that got me into trouble in the first place.
I am so sorry.
I never realised that I felt safer and stronger with men in my life until they were gone.
My internal arguments were not with them, but with my betrayal of my most feminine qualities and needs. In taking on the role of the masculine, my feminine was diminished and oh how she grieved.
I always thought my battle was with men. In reality, it was with myself.
◊♦◊
I am not afraid to confess that without men, I feel less safe: less physically safe, less emotionally safe, less safe navigating this earthly realm. Despite the plethora of stories of abuse and assault in the media, I feel safer with men in my life. Their presence protects me, in big and small ways. Could it be that we women are at war with our men, and that’s half the problem? It’s an incendiary topic, but one all women (and men) might do well to consider.
I’m not suggesting women take all the blame—simply to make a reckoning. See how we got here, how broken our marriages and committed relationships have become, and maybe, just maybe, rethink and reconsider our perspective a teensy bit…at the very least, try to understand that most men are not a threat to us. They want to protect us, unless they’re too busy protecting themselves from us.
An online acquaintance recently posted an exchange between herself and her man. She revealed to him that she often feels unsafe, while he replied he always feels safe. For the purpose of what follows, it needs to be added that they are in the process of negotiating the next big steps in terms of commitment.
How many women only feel truly safe in fully committed relationships? How many women want this more than any other type of relationship? My hand is up. Unless I am in fully committed relationships, there is always the nagging doubt that it won’t last, that I can’t be fully feminine, that I have to have my own back because he might not be there for me in the future. Is it a self-fulfilling prophecy, or a realistic concern?
Without the safety net of a committed and loving man, we have to protect ourselves and in doing so, we become more masculine or more fearful. And when women are fearful, they are emotionally unstable. Our beautiful, mysterious strength is diminished.
We need your big strong arms around us. We need you to be there for us, we need you to have our backs. When you do this, and when we let you, we thrive and glow and shine and radiate. We become what you love.
We become goddesses.
I am unashamedly grateful and humbled with gratitude for the men in my life. For all of you, whom I don’t know and have never met. If I could apologise to you for anything it would be for not letting you do more for me. For limiting your generosity, your kindness and your strength. For diminishing or ignoring you when you reached out, opened a door, offered to help carry something, do something for me, solve a problem for me—diminished you as many women in your lives diminished you before.
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Some of us are learning how to be feminine again, and learning what makes you tick. Please be patient with us. We were taught to compete, to prove ourselves, to be as good as or better than you. We were taught that we could be superwomen, and we mistakenly thought that we should.
We don’t need to prove anything, but we thought we did. We are awesome without needing to prove it.
The joke is: You already know that.
We can do what we want without becoming you, and thereby rejecting you.
Good men are awesome, and to them, good women are precious.
Apart from my relatives or partners, there have been countless men I’ve encountered casually or as strangers who have contributed in small and large ways to supporting, keeping me safe and helping me navigate this life. Their names might be forgotten or unknown, but they have all helped me stay alive and stay sane.
Of the friends and relatives who were there for me, many of these men would brush off their help as being ‘nothing’, but if they knew how much their help meant to me, they’d think differently. Their presence in my life—for longer or shorter, richer or poorer—provided me with an emotional or financial (or both) safe haven in which to be a woman.
Yes, we are strong, but inside every woman I know is a woman who longs for a hero. Her hero.
◊♦◊
To be or to have? That is the choice women must make about you, the men.
We either ‘become’ men, or we allow good men to have a part in our lives. Either way, we need masculine power to exist and thrive. To fulfil the role of both the masculine and feminine alone is a dangerous one for our femininity. We can’t be both without diminishing the goddess within us. She needs to roam free, in safety, to be fully divine.
The times I have come closest to losing the will to survive, or seemed to be temporarily insane, have without doubt been times when there were no men in my life—or when I refused or failed to ask for their help.
When I woke up to this, the better my life became. I had to learn to Allow and Receive that which you men offer.
You enrich my life and the lives of countless other women who notice you, admire you, appreciate you and respect you.
Don’t ever let us cut you down. You deserve better.
Perhaps you have watched us shoot ourselves in the foot too many times to forgive us. I ask you to reconsider.
To be fully embodied goddesses, do we need men? To be fully masculine, do men need us?
It’s a resounding Yes from me.
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Photo: Getty Images
Posting this test comment as I’m having difficulty with the comment functionality and trying to troubleshoot.
No more heroes, we are teaching the next generation to avoid the rigged game to begin with. Remember, you need men like a fish needs a bicycle – and we agree, no men for you. Signed #MGTOW
Hi Jude, I was very moved as I read your article. A courageous and intimate statement. Most men would have no trouble in understanding your new view, however I wonder how other women would receive it.
It is counter what most identify as the post modern critique, but most of us don’t actually inhabit that post modern world. I would love to see other women’s comments here. Keep up the writing. Paddy
While my life and relationship details are different, I whole heartedly agree with the sentiments Jude expressed here. I will tell you without a shadow of a doubt, though, if I’d read this post a year ago I most assuredly would have dismissed it, shaking my head at this poor misguided woman’s view. But you see, I actually did Alison’s coursework, too (at the same time as Jude actually, so I know her story well). It is hands down the most eye-opening information I have EVER received. Like Jude said, we’ve all been programmed otherwise, since birth. We’re not taught… Read more »
Geez. This hit me pretty hard. One part in particular: “Without the safety net of a committed and loving man, we have to protect ourselves and in doing so, we become more masculine or more fearful. And when women are fearful, they are emotionally unstable. Our beautiful, mysterious strength is diminished.” Living as a man, taking on a partial role as a protector, provider, and problem-solver for others (and even just for yourself) is like this. This is, in part why most men are “emotionally unstable”. Added to that is the pressure to “man up” and take “take it like… Read more »
The most poignant thing I think I’ve ever read on the internet.
Yanno, I about an hour ago I experienced my usual disappointment that my one dollar a week investment did not yield me lottery win. Now, I’m thinking that if I had won I could have bought this woman a house. That is how much it touched me, and I’m not kidding.
Please do not apologize to us men. We are built to take the hits. Hell, I want to hug you for noticing.
Wish you the best.