Yes, the “pseudo” macho man concept is still entrenched through much of the masculine world. Progress, though, is being made.
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Piss a man off and he’s going to get angry.
Let a man get isolated, his whole world crumbles, and he starts acting weird.
His misdirected emotional energy gets fired off like middle-finger missiles from a warship at sea.
For decades, men have been taught to remain stoic and not show any emotion. This entrenched macho man stance has actually done more harm than good.
You may not believe so and have a raging fit over someone—especially a man – writing about feelings and emotions. Many years ago, late pro football player Alex Karras wrote a book titled “Even Big Guys Cry.” Karras was a bear of a man, hell of a player on the field for the Detroit Lions, and probably best remembered as Mongo in Mel Brooks’ classic film “Blazing Saddles” and from his fatherly role on TV’s “Webster.”
If Karras—a man’s man, if you will—can admit that men do cry, then it simply makes sense to go deeper and seek the key to unlocking those deeper patterns of emotions within men.
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Physicians and spiritual teachers have observed that sitting still as different emotions arise is one way of conquering their sometimes overwhelming chokehold. There also is plenty of data showing that exercise can play a significant factor in lowering stress, anxiety, and fear.
Moments occur, though, when blocks happen and going deep to the “issues in the tissues” causes more harm than good.
A fabric of an emotional map lies within each man. It starts formulating early in life and can be troublesome as he grows up. Adolescence might be filled with family stressors; puberty hits and his physical, physiological and sexual world changes; and adulthood brings on more responsibilities.
That sense of overwhelm just cannot be contained. Where do men go for relief? Many seek escape through alcohol, drugs, sex, work and food. At times in my life, some of these have helped me numb out. I’m not proud of it and, yes, even being an adult does not prevent this from happening.
Some men want the “high life” of being better than “him” or “her.” That over-the-top, super-achiever award feels so good to hold until he loses it. Then, those dammed-up emotions come tumbling out like a raging river.
The key to unlocking this area involves two basic universal concepts – love and compassion.
There are so many men still walking through life wandering why they are striving and pushing so hard. Many are just looking to give their girlfriends, wives, and children a better life, and that’s a good thing.
But those untreated emotions will simply cause more problems than solutions.
Usually, some crisis occurs and a man has to either face the music or ignore the notes. It might be the end of a marriage or relationship, loss of a job or business, or seeing dreams and achievements disappear in a cloud of smoke. Truly, a man’s life comes to a screeching halt and there is only one way out of it. He has got to feel those emotions, unlocking their power that they carry over him, and be filled with love and compassion for himself.
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What to do, what to do …
You have the key in love and compassion to your emotional landscape. You might not know how to love yourself because nobody gave you permission to do so. Family demands, work requests, and societal expectations absolutely kicked your ass. Then it’s time to “go to sleep,” meaning check out through some horrid path of destruction and despair that knows no end.
It might know an end through depression, trauma and neglect. Sometimes, that depression is so heavy that a man becomes paralyzed to do anything new or different. Dating a woman? Forget that because it’s too much trouble and painful to face possible rejection. Watching his finances improve? Who cares! Getting a better job? No.
Many men are restless. Their thirst for success, no matter the cost, has led to a lot of personal problems. Fearless leaders are suddenly filled with fear, striking out at people left and right for daring to be emotionally in touch with themselves.
That’s ridiculous.
As a man, being connected to your emotional side is a great way get close to your lover. It’s an awesome way to solidify you own well-being as a single man. Some women actually do find a vulnerable man sexy and spectacular.
Who says being in touch with one’s emotions as a man is silly? Hardly anyone who has done the grunt work of discovering their immense power. Through love and compassion for yourself, uncover those hidden emotions and watch your world change.
Photo: Getty Images
just out of curiosity what do you think the harder side of masculinity is? how would it be expressed? (genuinely intrigued as a woman I don’t have the best understanding of how it feels to be a man). I was under the impression this article was rejecting the notion that “being a man” means ignoring/suppressing your own emotional needs and that expressing or understanding emotional concerns is somehow weak or not manly. being compassionate and empathetic to yourself or others is a powerful and transformative strength for both men and women, and it sucks for guys that they are often… Read more »
In a world which reels nonstop from masculine energy’s proven capacity for harm, it is challenging for me as a more sensitive type to avoid feeling unearned-but-implied guilt or shame by gender association. How does it express itself? Perfect example: Last night after reading the Stanford campus rape victim’s courtroom impact statement to her attacker in recent news, the surreal numbness and freefall of my anguished empathy shifted to my own longing to escape any gendered form even physically capable of causing such pain. I wound up sobbing uncontrollably in my wife’s arms. For more deeply empathetic souls, I think… Read more »
Hey lize … thanks so much for your deeply thought-out question and comments. I greatly appreciate them a lot. My bigger point, which may or may not have been made clear, is that there is power in being a man through having the freedom to express emotions and feelings. To me, the harder side of masculinity revolves around the “suck it up” mindset. Sure, men (and women, too) go through times and moving through them can feel extremely edgy and rough. Yet to not acknowledge one’s own emotional sides as a man can prove more harmful that good. …. I… Read more »
Well stated Mr. Rutland.in your reply to Lize.
DJ, we don’t emphasize or support the softer side of men and overemphasize the harder side of men. You see it too much in film, TV, literature, advertising, etc., If we want to have both, then we need to a fine balance between them.
Not so much that we are struggling with emotion, but that we are, once again, given an either or decisions. My newest questions is why cannot a man be both tough and tender? Why do we have to attack the harder side of masculity (which is just as much a part of us and any part), and rather then embrace holistic masculinity, are so many simply pulling men out of one box and right back into another. There is no question that men are far deeper then we give them credit for, but that is the bigger question that is… Read more »