The porn world needs to take a chill pill or they will get everybody accused of rape.
What’s going on with porn today? Since when are chocking, hitting, gagging, spitting in someone’s mouth, and all sorts of other kinks part of mainstream porn?
And since when have they become an expected and desired part of everyday sexuality?
Porn sites have started to push extreme sex just like tabloids are pushing fake clickbait news. And it’s all for views.
And people are willing to believe juicy fake news just like they’re willing to re-enact choking someone into a coma.
They both get our attention, but none of them are real.
The activity in porn doesn’t answer a natural human need for pleasure, connection, or reproduction. Porn satisfies an appetite for the extreme stimulation that drugs can provide, not that day-to-day life can. And that’s ok as long as we don’t confuse the two.
There are 2 major long-term problems with believing what happens in porn is normal sexual activity, but a third one that has dire and immediate consequences.
1. Normalizing violence and abuse as part of the sexual act.
If you’re a man coming to porn for guidance, you’ll be in for a very bad trip that will teach you violence and abuse are ok.
And as porn is in its great majority made for men, these violent acts are performed against women.
It will seem ok to take your partner and use her like a rag doll, throwing her every which way, performing all sorts of violent acts on her, and using her body as a dumpster.
There was a period in my life when I worked as a trainer to cam girls and I could see all the conversations between the girls and their clients in real-time.
And while it’s true that older men usually had the woman’s pleasure in mind and got their own pleasure from that, the younger men were absolutely delusional about what sex looks like.
And that’s because they never had any access to it and all their knowledge came from porn.
One of the most common questions they would ask was ‘How many orgasms did you have today?’ because they know from porn that the female body is an orgasm-spitting machine that you just need to look at and boom! 20 orgasms!
And then there was the eternal question of ‘Where do you want me to finish, on your face or in your mouth?’
Shocked? If you’re somebody who gets his knowledge of sexuality from porn, probably not so much. You probably even imagine that’s the way to go, because that’s was sex looks like in porn.
If you are a woman watching porn as sex ed, it’s just as damaging, because you’ll think that’s what naturally happens, what people do, and what is expected of you.
And when you won’t be getting any pleasure from having your body taken to extremes of stretching and endurance, you’ll start to wonder what’s wrong with you. Why don’t you like what other women like?
It’s because other women don’t like that either!
2. Making men bad in bed.
Women don’t like to be treated like scum in bed or outside of it. Despite what porn and pick-up artists would have you believe, because they want you to buy their product, so they tell you everything you want to hear.
Nobody enjoys being hurt unless they have some sort of fetish.
This was also a very common question that ‘the boys’ would ask ‘the girls’: ‘So what’s your favorite fetish?’.
And while her favorite fetish was probably getting a hot oil massage from Harry Styles, she’d have to keep that to herself and make up some sort of BDSM hair-pulling, orgasm-denying, eye-watering latex-clad insanity because she also had a product to sell.
I’m sorry to tell you that most people are as vanilla as a basic sundae, including the ones who keep asking BDSM questions. They just have some pent-up aggression and want to take it out on someone. And that has nothing to do with kinks, but everything to do with the need for a good therapist.
Sure, everybody has fantasies, but most of them don’t involve being drenched in a cocktail of body fluids while being slapped into oblivion.
If you treat a woman like that during sex she’ll most probably never want to see you again. At best.
Also, when she agreed to sex, she didn’t agree to being bound and gagged. Or spit on. Or the now very trendy and mainstream choked.
If you imagine these are all part of sex, you’re in for a surprise. They’re not part of sex, they’re part of torture.
3. Getting accused of rape.
When you get consent for sex, you don’t get consent for torture (or what some people have grown to inaccurately call ‘rough sex’.
It shouldn’t come as a surprise when she starts crying, gets up and leaves (if she can), hits you back somewhere she knows it hurts, or accuses you of rape.
And if you think that doesn’t happen in porn, oh yes, it does.
While some porn actors and actresses are into extreme stuff, there have also been a ton who came out to say how incredibly abusive the adult industry is.
Some of the biggest male porn actors out there have been accused of rape. Careful that you don’t take that experience to your own bedroom. Pleading innocence won’t help you much.
Especially since some sexual acts are dangerous and you might end up killing someone. Rough sex is no longer an excuse for murder, imagine that!
Here’s what can do if you want to have real (and better than porn) sex with a real human being:
- Ask people what they like and do that (if you are comfortable with it and like it too).
- Experiment alone to find out what you truly like so you’re able to communicate it further.
- Experiment with a partner to find out what you both like and how you match each other’s needs.
- Don’t take porn at face value. It’s a performance, not guidance.
Be aware that you’re not supposed to be a sexual beast, but a human being giving and receiving pleasure.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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