We’ve all heard of Sigmund Freud. Freud is famous for talking about mother issues. In your relationship, one thing to watch out for is Freudian issues surrounding your mother. You don’t want your girlfriend to be someone who takes care of you, like your mom. The healthiest relationships are when people come together and have independent lives. When a person doesn’t receive the care that they need as a child, they are likely to seek out maternal comfort from others. This phenomenon is called transference.
Seeking out a mother in other people
You only have one mom. And you can’t relive the relationship you have with your maternal figure with others. It’s natural to want to be nurtured. There’s a level of healthy caregiving in relationships, and there are times when you need to take care of yourself. People in romantic partnerships nurture one another; however, it’s crucial to take care of yourself. Remember that analogy of putting on your oxygen mask before taking care of others? It’s essential to put your needs before another individual. The trouble is when you start to see your girlfriend as a maternal figure. You want her to fill a void that you’re missing, and ask either passively or actively, to care for you. She may become resentful, or even realize what you’re doing. Maybe she’ll remark, “I’m not your mother.” When this becomes an issue, then you need to take action to deal with your problems of transference. So what’s next?
Confronting the issue
The first step to dealing with transference is addressing the issue. What are you seeking from your girlfriend that you didn’t get from your mother? Maybe you want to take care of you; maybe you want her to set rules that you never had in your life as a child. Whatever the case maybe figure out what the problem is. Then you can deal with those emotional issues. You might be tempted to try away from them, but it’s essential that you address them so that your relationship can be healthy.
Denial isn’t sexy
When you deny that it’s transference you’re putting an expiration date on your relationship. Everything isn’t okay; your relationship is suffering because you’re looking for something in your girlfriend that she can’t give her. If she’s able to act like your mother you are in an unhealthy dynamic. It’s time to address these issues of transference, and get help. You might be afraid to deal with the fact that your relationship is not healthy, but if you ignore the problem it will continue in this way, and both of you may grow resentful. No matter how much you want it, your girlfriend cannot be your mother. And if she denies your needs, you will persist and try to get her to nurture you in a particular maternal way that she can provide. Will end up at odds, and it’s crucial that you address the issue rather than hiding from it.
Getting help for transference
One of the best ways to deal with transference to speak about this problem in therapy. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you can’t figure out the solution on your own. A therapist can support you and figuring out why you are looking for maternal care in your relationship, and find ways for you to confront these feelings and heal. Whether you’re working with an online counselor or therapist in your neighborhood, you cannot figure out why you want your girlfriend to be your mother and forward to you bringing a healthy romantic connection that will last.
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