A couple of times during the past few weeks, a very nice woman at work has asked me how it’s going with the phones.
I had informed her, somewhat trepidatiously, that we had taken our kids’ phones away.
It sounded much more draconian when we declared it. As with everything about parenting, there is much more nuance and negotiation.
Summary of findings
Over the past three weeks, our 15-year-old’s daily average phone usage has been 3:36, 3:44, and 3:51. In other words, last week he spent nearly four hours a day using his device.
His younger brother’s averages over the same period are 2:43, 2:32, and 1:59.
(Our two girls use their phones far less than that, so they have been mostly excluded from this analysis. In the interest of appearing fair, we have “enforced” the phone “ban” with them publicly.)
That data show that we did not take our kids’ phones away. The ban was more like a shift. But an important one.
Prior to our phone restrictions, each boy had daily limits of six hours. They were tethered to the devices for much of the day. We had also imposed a daily schedule for locking their phones at a certain time whether or not they had reached a limit. Google Family Link makes this pretty easy.
We didn’t compile phone usage before the ban. But I would guess that they each came pretty close to maximizing their time allotment. And often we would grant them bonus time.
Justification for taking the phones
The ban came suddenly when the kids’ mother had finally processed the reality of their Winter Term grades. They were not good. We expect more from our boys. The younger one fell short and the older one fell shorter.
My wife lost it. She decided that they should not have access to any electronics until the end of the school year. The time had come to remove all barriers to academic excellence.
I asked her if she was ready for that sharp of a turn. Once we announce it, hell will break loose and we can’t back-pedal without an enormous loss of credibility, I told her. And there is the enforcement. Was she committed?
I didn’t think the timing was right. But if she was that passionate, I would support the decision completely. I would even announce it so their resentment would be at me, knowing she’d be around to deal with the blowback more than I.
Perhaps the timing was perfect. Many states, most notably my home state of Utah, have taken strong official stances against phones and social media use among school children.
An official website of the state boldly details the harms that phones and apps can cause. A letter from the governor to school leaders a few months previously urged school districts to adopt policies that would eliminate cell phones on campus during learning hours.
Initial reaction to the ban
The announcement was met with weeping and wailing. Yes, our boys got weepy at the thought of losing their phones.
They experienced what psychologist Karl Weick calls a “cosmology episode: a sudden loss of meaning, followed eventually by a transformative pivot, which creates the conditions for revised meaning.”
The pivot was an opportunity to have an in-depth conversation about our family values and practices.
Join the Resistance! Or, how your children grow from adversity.
Friction often slows progress.
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It was so productive. We had a wonderful discussion about why their parents would rock their worlds so hard. I knew we were justified, but I wanted to communicate that it was required because we love them.
Reasons that Kids Can Understand
The discussion started with the requirement that they do their best in school. If phones impede that goal, then they are rightly labeled a problem to be solved. This got our kids to reframe their thinking about how to make their phone tools instead of masters.
We also talked about what leads to real joy. Coincidentally, I had just heard about a Pew study that indicated many teens were okay with the loss of cell phone privileges. One of the benefits kids enjoyed when they didn’t have a phone was peace. What a powerful idea. It was something we constantly want for our children.
We emphasized that they would be okay because they are strong, and interesting, and loved.
A reduction in phone time would also increase peace in our home by reducing irritants related to game performance, internet speed, and snap streaks. Filling the void would be more face-to-face conversations that we know would result in better moods all around.
Finally, there would be more time for simple pleasures like reading, walking outside, crafts, or silent reflection.
Results and ramifications of less phone time
Far from being a complete ban, our kids are still using their phones a lot. But they are using them less and they see phones as more of a privilege than a fundamental right.
We decided to allow them to maintain some minimal level of phone usage on the grounds that they are the most convenient way to listen to music. As an 80s kid with a yellow Walkman at my hip for most of three summers straight, it was a hard argument to resist.
Still, we saw an immediate refocus on homework. We attribute this partly to the reset of the semester and the enthusiasm for new goals that accompany new beginnings. But some of it can be attributed to less phone time and the realization that more phone time comes only on the heels of better school performance.
While they are using less, they are monitoring their time more. Scarcity results in better stewardship.
Two months into the shift and things are still going well. Cell phone usage is way down, though creeping up as we approach summer. But our kids seem less entitled about their privileges.
We also talk way more openly about the downsides of phone usage and the upsides of engaging in a variety of activities.
An unplanned benefit is that we parents are not so visibly on our devices quite as much. We find ourselves leaving the phones behind, or turning them off, as a subtle way of sending a message aligned with our edicts. That is good for the kids and for us.
Finally, grades are way up.
So when my co-worker asks how it’s going with the phones, it’s a long, nuanced answer that can usually be summarized with a thumbs-up emoji.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Luke Porter on Unsplash
