A wedding gift she didn’t expect — a husband whose ideal vacation was a perfect match for her own.
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My husband redefined the word “vacation” for me. In the early years of our marriage his new vision for a vacation was an unexpected gift, but how he redefined that word again for the two of us a decade later has been priceless.
I assumed that I’d fill my own home with the colorful and the exotic, that my inevitable wanderlust would take the two of us and our children (when feasible) around the globe.
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Bryan’s contribution to my stagnant vacation philosophy makes no sense without the context of my parents’ favorite trips. The rooms of my childhood home are filled with souvenirs of my parents’ travels around the world. Masks, plates, sculptures, and paintings from exotic locales hang on the walls and sit on every available surface. In one of the bathrooms my parents featured photographs of the polar bear migration they went all the way to Churchill, Manitoba to observe. And next to the front door sits a six-foot tall wooden giraffe that arrived months after their first trip to Africa. My parents’ house was a colorful place to live.
Most of the trips my parents took on their own as well as our family vacations meant getting up early and exploring the slice of Earth where they’d landed. I didn’t mind missing some of the harder-to-reach locations like their dolphin-watching trip near the Bermuda Triangle, because I always imagined that I’d go on those types of adventures with my husband one day. I assumed that I’d fill my own home with the colorful and the exotic, that my inevitable wanderlust would take the two of us and our children (when feasible) around the globe.
Enter Reality
When Bryan and I got married, we had neither the money nor the time to travel before our wedding. We’d only dated for a year before we got engaged and were married less than a year later when I was 23. Cancun was our first destination simply because we wanted to go somewhere warm that wasn’t too far away.
We had not even started unpacking when I found the hotel’s concierge and signed us up for a day trip to Chichen Itza, a site I’d already toured with my parents. As we ate dinner, I felt anxious knowing that we’d have to leave the resort’s grounds by six o’clock the next morning, but vacations meant doing and seeing. I didn’t possess an overwhelming sense of adventure, but I didn’t know another way.
I considered the possibility of a vacation with no early rising, no falling asleep on buses, no tours, no museums, no animal sanctuaries, and no ruins.
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“What will we do for breakfast?” Bryan asked before we went to bed. I described, without enthusiasm, the breakfast boxes that my sisters and I had eaten half-asleep as we waited in the darkness for vans headed to Masada, Stonehenge, and elsewhere. I then sighed audibly as I called the front desk to arrange the 5:30 a.m. wake-up call.
“Do you not want to go?” Bryan asked.
I shrugged. “I’ve been there. But you should see it.”
He stared at me. “I was going for you. I don’t care if we stay at the hotel the whole time.”
I considered the possibility of a vacation with no early rising, no falling asleep on buses, no tours, no museums, no animal sanctuaries, and no ruins. “But what would we do?” I asked.
“Sit by the pool. Read. Drink piña coladas.”
“That’s it? Every day?” My hopeful smile mirrored Bryan’s. I’d found my pool-sitting, book-reading, piña colada-drinking, non-museum-visiting, non-obscure-gallery-searching soulmate. It was a defining moment in our young marriage as we stumbled on a brand of vacation compatibility so different from the one I’d imagined. Yes, we had come all that way to do absolutely nothing, and it sounded perfect.
During those early years, we found other vacation activities we liked. We planned the occasional fall weekend away to look at the changing leaves, or to see friends in cities where we could also catch a show, shop, and eat well. I will always appreciate what my parents taught me about art and culture, but I’ve walked through enough museums with them to last me the rest of my life. That Bryan is content spending part of the day in a new city finding the perfect donut makes him the travel companion of my dreams.
Discovering the “Day-cation”
Fourteen years and four kids later, Bryan and I are even less motivated to plan adventurous trips. We find that leaving our kids for longer than a few days is logistically and financially prohibitive. And taking them with us anywhere other than Chicago to see my parents or the occasional family trip with his parents and siblings is not in our skill set.
We’ve distilled a vacation down to its essential parts: time to relax, reconnect, and take a break from our everyday routines.
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It was out of desperation to recapture our early do-nothing getaways that Bryan and I discovered the power of the day-cation. Once we realized we could get a dose of relaxing time right here in Minnesota, we made some easy-to-execute plans. We have spent the day in the charming town of Stillwater along the St. Croix river, a mere forty-five minutes from our house. Another time we “traveled” to the cute main street in Excelsior along Lake Minnetonka—only fifteen minutes away, but a destination we rarely make time to visit. We’ve also taken day trips simply to look at the leaves along the way. One time we spent the day at a spa ten minutes from home.
We’ve distilled a vacation down to its essential parts: time to relax, reconnect, and take a break from our everyday routines. The “where” has become inconsequential.
Another benefit of lowering our vacation standards to the day-cation is that when we actually do have the chance to leave for a few nights, we feel like we’ve entered another universe. A few days in New York City may not be two weeks in Tanzania, but at this point in my life, it feels like a fascinating, luxurious jaunt. As long as Bryan is with me, any vacation is a good one, no matter how short the duration and how close to home.
A version of this essay first appeared on Brain, Child: The Magazine for Thinking Mothers
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Photo: Flickr/Ken Teegardin
This is actually great Nina!! Cheers,
I did have to smile about the polar bears in Manitoba – it’s a dream of mine. And having just been on a Florida vacation, I loved yesterday so much because we DIDN’T have to wake up at 6:00 am and race with the throngs to Disney World. I do love adventure but I’m more of the polar bears type, than the theme park type. But ah – kids. Now left to our own devices, my husband and I would go to Alaska first and have major, early morning to all day adventures. THEN we’d go to Hawaii and lie… Read more »
A vacation where you have very little or no agenda sounds heavenly. I totally agree with your assessment of what makes a decent vacation. I feel lucky as well that my spouse and I are
vacation compatible.
I think that exposing your kids to experiences is really important but I agree that there is a myriad of different ways to make that happen and it doesn’t require a plane ride and expensive hotels. Now that we are empty nesters, the type of trips that my husband and I take has changed and reflects the interests that we have developed as a couple.
Great piece, Nina. We have similar restrictions, but also similar ideas about what a great vacation is: time together, no matter the destination.
My husband and I have always been vacation compatible, and like for you and Bryan, that idea of vacation has evolved over the years. We both have fond memories of our childhood vacations, but we want new experiences with one another and with our kids. The getaways we took as newlyweds don’t appeal to us now, but we always find something different to do – it keeps things interesting!
Great piece, Nina! Achieving vacation compatibility with your spouse is the cherry on top! My husband and I started taking day-cations a year ago, when the kids were both teens (our kids did not travel well. At all.) and we’ve even stretched it to an overnight camping trip, 25 minutes from our house – just sitting around the campfire, doing nothing. Perfection!
I think when you have kids the idea of a “stay-cation” is so much more appealing than even the most exotic trip. Just the idea of having to get on a plane sounds like too much work to me right now. What I really want out of a vacation is a couple days not to have to rush around or worry about anyone’s schedule but my own. Great piece.
Thanks, Mary. And yes, the not worrying about schedules is vacation enough.
I love what you say about a certain kind of travel/trip is not in your skill set–me too! I am a nervous traveler, particularly when by air (claustrophobic). My daughter also has some anxious tendencies, isn’t an adventurous eater (both slowly getting better), and gets a touch of motion sickness. Personally, my temperament doesn’t make me my best self when traveling alone, let alone with dealing with that too. And so because of it, a certain intensity of traveling is not in the cards for us until she gets older. My husband can go with the flow far better than… Read more »
Interesting we have this in common! I always say we rarely travel with the kids because neither more husband nor I are graceful about those details AT ALL. It is good your husband can keep the anxiety in check!
Nina~
I’ve learned to be selective about vacation destinations with the hubs. At some locales, he is inclined to relax. At others, I know to pack my walking shoes and a lot of patience because he is a doer and a seer. Congratulations on discovering an added perk of being married to Bryan–your vacation compatibility. Might be something engaged couples should discuss before the nuptials, right along with whether to have a joint checking account.
Always good stuff. Thanks for sharing.
You’re a good sport! And I’m sure he relaxes more than he’d like to sometimes. Compromise is good, too!
Great essay Nina. As a child, all our family vacations were spent by the pool or on the beach…doing nothing! I think that’s why I drag the kids everywhere. I believe they would concur with you about the museums, they made me promise that I would not add any Presidential Libraries to our summer agenda! Conversely when Rich and I go away (when we can) by ourselves, we spend all our time like you and Brian do. Blissfully doing nothing but relaxing.
Oh so funny! Perfect example of the opposite at play.
Nina, this is wonderful! I think stay-cations saved our marriage during the years when it was nearly impossible for us to leave town with four young kids at home. And now, when we do get away, we keep it “do nothing” simple as well. Sleeping late, long walks and good meals…and trying our best to unplug, which is probably our biggest challenge. Loved how you were able to let go of how you thought vacations were supposed to be and create your new normal with Bryan. You two are so adorable :)!
Oh for sure– I’m MUCH worse about unplugging. Bryan is a good remodel. He doesn’t even take his phone out of the car most of the time. (Of course he doesn’t have to because I worry enough about the kids for the two of us.)
It’s fascinating how sometimes we imagine our marriage will be one way, and then it turns out even better. I love that. We’ve also discovered the pleasure of small vacations. A year or so ago, when my parents were in town, my husband and I went up to Philly for the day, walked around the historical section and ate dinner at an amazing restaurant. It was so lovely!
That’s the perfect day away.
This was great! For me, getting married was a lot like studying abroad… In both cases, I realized I had all of these ways of seeing the world that had less to do with the world itself and more to do with what I was used to. It’s eye opening, and often a welcome change to realize- gasp!- your family’s way is not the only way:)
I love that analogy! So true!
Whwther or not you have kids, a DayCation makes a lot of sense. In today’s workforce, and with having errands/chores to take care of over the weekend, it’s more likely that a couple can get away for a day than a weekend.
I totally agree, and it’s better for the budget, too. Kids or not.
The true test of any relationship is how well you travel together! I love how you found your perfect “do-nothing” companion.
Thank you so much, Ann!
Fantastic piece. My husband and I spent the day in a spa (a few times) about 15 minutes from our home. It felt like we were in another country. Getting that break from the everyday routines. Yes. I love this: “The ‘where’ has become inconsequential.” This is also true for us. I love to travel but this works for now. 🙂
And I love that “for now.” That’s the right attitude. It’s not forever, and I suspect we will look back at this time with some fondness. Thanks for the comment here, Sarah!