In Writer and Director Judd Apatow’s Funny People (2009), Adam Sandler played standup comedian and movie star George Simmons, who’s in leukemia remission. George gives a party to celebrate his diagnosis.
Powerful Eminem as himself has a straight up conversation with George.
Eminem says, “You know what? I think you fucked up. I don’t think you should have taken that medicine… Personally, I think you should have let yourself die. Honestly man, what are you going to do now? Make another bullshit movie? Fuck another chick who doesn’t like you? You know that was your way out right there. Now, you’re stuck. Stuck just like me…”
Eminem poignantly leans in, “So, now that you got this second chance, man. Like what do you want?”
George thinks for a moment. He answers, “I kinda like don’t want anything.”
Disgusted Eminem says, “So, what are we celebrating?”
Eminem speaks truth. We have very few second chances in life. I know I have. What are you going to do with your second chance in life? Just asking. Are you just going to do the same fucking thing over, and over, and over again expecting a better life? Or like George, are you going to do nothing. Perhaps, even worse. With mad love and respect, don’t waste your second chance, your second chance in life.
I suffered in my abusive childhood. Whatever I did or didn’t do only mad Dad so very angry at me. I survived my no-win scenario. I got that I wasn’t the son that Dad wanted. That I was his greatest disappointment in life. I would never be good enough for Dad. I would never be good for anyone, especially me. I hated on myself. I got good at that, too.
Consequently, I spent much of my adult life proving that I was strong enough, that I was smart enough, that I was good enough to be loved. Yet, being more of anything would never be enough. That’s just the human design.
About 10 years ago, I fell into my abyss of clinical depression. Although, I had made a difference in life in the past, I felt that I no longer could contribute in any meaningful way. I felt that I was a useless human being. I started working with my therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression which was the primary source of my depression. Clinical depression is insidious in many ways. Although, I suffered profoundly inside, I faked normalcy on the outside so that I would not burden those I loved. When in fact, they would have gone out of their way to help.
Several years ago, I really messed up my Thanksgiving by intentionally not making any plans. In the throes of my depression, I didn’t want to bother anyone. For the previous 20 years, I had spent my Thanksgivings with Erik and Anne and their family. Instead on Thanksgiving morning, I watched Writer and Director Kelly Fremon Craig’s The Edge of Seventeen (2016) at the theater. Hailee Steinfeld played teen drama queen Nadine, who hated on everyone, hating on herself the most.
After a drunken party with her BBF Krista, played by Haley Lu Richardson, Nadine lays curled up on the bathroom floor. She cries to Krista, “I just had the worse thought. I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life with myself.” Nadine then falls asleep.
I was Nadine up there on the movie screen. I hated on myself even more than Nadine hated on herself. I got it. I had to stop hating on myself so much or else that would only end badly for me. After I left the theater, I texted Erik, “Happy Thanksgiving!” He texted back inviting me to come down for Christmas. I quickly texted back, “Yes.”
I drove down for Christmas with Erik, Anne, and the family. As much as I had missed them, I got that they missed me, too. I was around those I loved and who loved me back. That was my Second Chance, my Second Chance at life.
Growing up I got that I wasn’t going to learn to be the man I wanted to be from Dad. I had to find someone else to guide me. Over 30 years ago, I began Aikido training with the late Mizukami Sensei, who was father to me. Sensei taught me Aikido and what it is to be a good man: to be of service to others and to make a difference. Sensei got that I had to prove myself. He said, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” For the first time in my life, I was safe being just me.
In many ways, Mizukami Sensei saved my life. He was my second chance. In Aikido, Sensei said, “Wait it out. Enter the attack. Take a glancing blow if you have to. You’re not always going to get away scot-free. It’s one time.” That was not only for the 250-pound man coming to punch my face in, I take glancing blows for what’s meaningful to me in life. I get back up when I fall, when I fail. I learn from my failures, from my hits.
The late Mizukami Sensei taught both Ishibashi Sensei and me until he passed away. Now, Ishibashi Sensei is my Sensei, my Big Brother. Ishibashi Sensei said, “The purpose of Aikido is to release your fear.” Sensei taught, “The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger.” In the center of the attack, in the danger, I let go of my fear inside that I’m not good enough. Although my fear inside never completely disappears, every time I enter what I fear I let go more of my fear inside. I free me. My Second Chance.
In therapy with Lance, I look at my fear of never being good enough for Dad. I enter my fear and forgive. I forgive Dad for being afraid, for not knowing how to be a father, and for being imperfectly human. I forgive myself for not being strong enough as boy to stand up to Dad and protect Mom. I forgave myself for being imperfectly human, too. I learn to love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. My Second Chance.
Whether I’m happy or not, whether I’m good or not in life, that’s all on me. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. No one’s to blame. I got a second chance in life. I’m so very humbled and grateful. I’m kind to others and myself. I love and forgive mine own self.
In my Second Chance, I try to make a difference and maybe leave the world a better place than when I came into it. I write about love and forgiveness on the Good Men Project with my Editor Li M Blacker. I teach Aikido and help guide students to invent the greater-than version of themselves, what the late Mizukami Sensei and Ishibashi Sensei had done for me. Nothing, but mad love and respect for them.
In my Second Chance, I have a good life. I’m proud and grateful for my life. May you all have a good life in your Second Chance. Amen.
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Photo by Melanie LeDuc on Unsplash
