What do dads worry about? According to the current stuff being written, nothing. Which is wrong, of course. I have tons of worry. If I smoke my brisket at one degree higher than recommended, will it be dry? And what if that somehow causes my lawn to go dry? Then I will have bad grass. See, I have tons of worry.
But I hide them behind humor because the modern father is not permitted to have anxieties about parenting. He is not encouraged to voice those anxieties. He is often ridiculed when he shows vulnerability.
Or am I wrong? I’m worried now that I am wrong.
A recent study came out that surveyed parents to discover how much they worry. School shootings, bullying, and mental health all made the list. Questions like this have become known as part of the mental load of parenting. And apparently, dads are selfish worry-free bastards that don’t have a worry in the world. Or at least that is the way it was presented in articles discussing the research.
The research showed that in most cases, moms had more concerns about the day-to-day of our children. That’s something that I can’t argue. But what really bothers me is that the worries of fatherhood are not explored at all. Not only that, but they are also often discounted. That’s not to knock the invisible work that many mothers do daily. That’s a fact that can’t be argued. But to pretend that I don’t worry about my children as much as my wife discounts everything that a father does. This is why men don’t share our vulnerabilities. They are often ignored.
I think it’s more accurate to say that men have different parenting worries than mothers and that we should really stop trying to pit one side against the other. As a stay-at-home dad, I’ve seen both sides of the parenting world. I’ve stayed home and done all the cooking and cleaning. My wife just met our orthodontist for the first time in five years. I have cooked brisket.
When talking with my mother-in-law about this, a woman brought up that when you had to have your husband’s permission to get a bank account, she asked me what fathers worry about. It’s a good question.
And if I take the traditional gendered approach, it would usually be about finances. And although there is no doubt that moms worry about this as well, the division of labor usually puts the provider tag on men. Right or wrong, it’s there. I don’t mean about daily finances, either. I mean can I provide for my family financially in the long haul? From paying for college to retirement. Typically, that is a worry that many men have, and the toughest mental block for men staying home with their kids. Not to say that moms don’t worry about finances, but we are playing the gendered game at the moment so stick with me.
And I think we are afraid to say what really gnaws at our gut. Our whole lives we have been told to suck it up and take it like a man. We have been told that we are the heroes of the world. If we can’t be John Wayne, then what even are we? He didn’t have vulnerabilities. He drank and cussed, and anything short of that means that we aren’t men. Like it or not, that is the example we have always been given and shamed when we fall short of that. How many of us have hidden away from others and cried, and still felt embarrassed?
So, what do men worry about when it comes to our children? No, I’m not as concerned about bullying as I think my wife is. Mainly because I have taught all of our children to punch effectively. I don’t know if that is the right thing or not, but my daughter knowing how to defend herself makes me a lot less worried.
I worry about my children’s confidence. At my age, I know that that confidence can be the difference between success and failure. Have I shown them how to handle failure? That’s equally as important and so overlooked in parenting.
I worry a great deal about my kid’s future and our failure as a society to give them the same benefits and options that I had. Good schools, affordable housing, and a job market where they can be treated fairly. I have more concerns about police bullying than I do about school bullying. This is before we have even touched on some of the bigger concerns such as climate, financial inequality, and the opioid epidemic.
See, I’m a wreck inside my own head. And mostly, that is where it will stay. I do not have the luxury to break down. Or that is what I have been told. I’m the Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad, right? I’m the guy with the answers. And when there is a problem, you go to dad.
But a lot of times I have no idea what I’m doing. And I worry about that a lot.
I’m limited in expressing how much fathers worry because that would take a whole other book. But what really bothers me is that dads are asked the wrong questions. When it comes to childcare and our families, we are expected to do it exactly as mom. And therefore, should have the exact same worries as moms. We are not moms. We love mom. But we are not moms.
As a dad, I try very hard to be strong for my family. I am hesitant to express any weakness, even though I know that logically that is stupid. So stupid in fact that my wife pointed it out.
“What are these weaknesses,” she asked. I couldn’t really answer, and I know that I’m not alone. As men, we have a lot of growth we need to do to take our fair share of the mental load. But let’s not mistake that for thinking we have no mental load to begin with. It’s just different, and that can be a very good thing.
—
This Post is republished on Medium.
—
Photo credit: iStock