What Do Good Women Look For in a Man?

The fear of being hurt in a relationship usually causes you to stay single
— Picture Quotes

Have you ever said to yourself I’m a good person? Surely, most folks consider they fall into that category. And though the term can be considered subjective, many of us would agree to the general characteristics of such an individual.

Kind ~ Unseflish ~ Compassionate ~ Honest ~ Respectful ~ Caring

These are just a few qualities we seek in a partner. But what happens when our definition of good changes based on the seriousness of our relationship? Or more precisely, does fear of being in a committed union interfere with a chance at finding lasting romance?

In The Pursuit Of Bliss

Whether it’s via dating apps or other more traditional ways to meet men, the road to Mr. Right is often obstructed by countless detours and accidents. There will inevitably be more than a few missed exits as women search for their perfect mate.

It’s no surprise that all the swiping in the world does not guarantee you’ll land on the jackpot. Reviewing dozens of profiles per week will either cause a woman to lose all hope or encourage her to throw common sense out the window and try connecting with as many men as possible.

On the flip side, the challenges of a chance encounter offline (aka, the real world) are numerous. At the grocery store, walking your dog, working out at the gym — surely these are perfect options for your next romance. But really, how often does that happen? And when it does, is there any assurance bliss will follow?

To be clear, I’m not implying ours is a one-way street. The same can be said for men seeking a good woman. Who knows how many hours they spend on dating sites and other viable options seeking a good woman? How many times have you heard a guy complain about the slim pickings on the female front?

Perhaps if we focused more on building friendships with the opposite sex instead of the expectation of courtship, we’d find the pursuit of romance takes a back seat. After all, it’s not a cliché that one’s happiness cannot be found in another person.

The Checklist Is Too Long

Undoubtedly, a committed relationship has the fundamentals of any healthy alliance: respect, communication, honesty. Those are just a few, and as varied as we are, the requirements will change based on a multitude of factors.

Many of us have what I call non-negotiables — things we refuse to compromise. Just a few examples, it could be something like religious beliefs, wanting [or not wanting] to have children, feminist-leaning support.

On top of our “must-haves,” we often have a boatload of other items on our list. He should be a certain height (hair/eye color), be from a particular culture/ethnicity, have a specific educational background, be financially independent, be well-traveled, be an amazing lover.

A healthier checklist looks something like Redbook Magazine’s article:

• Chemistry — think what the vibe with this person feels like
• Vulnerability — his willingness to share this side of himself
• Stability — emotionally, relationally, economically
• Equality — being seen as a true “partner”
• Awareness — being perceptive to his partner
• Emotional Presence — minimizing distractions (avoid multi-tasking when your
• full attention should be on each other)
• Curiosity (About Her!) — showing interest in learning about her
• Protectiveness — instilling a feeling of safety
• Acceptance — people change aspects of themselves when/if they want
• Assertiveness — speak up for what you need (or desire)

Clearly, the above applies to women as well. Neither gender has a monopoly on what works (or doesn’t) in a relationship.

When The Novelty Wears Off

Human psychology suggests that we enjoy the newness of things. Think back to the last time you had something new: a t-shirt, that book from your favorite author, a hiking pack for an upcoming trek, a pair of sneakers….you get the point. Having a just purchased item or receiving it as a gift brings a smile to your face.

According to BrainWorldMagazine:

Novelty, by definition, is anything that is new to us, and the experience can take many forms: meeting a new friend, learning a new skill, buying a new outfit, listening to new music, or traveling to a new environment. Most mammals, especially humans, naturally prefer novelty.

The reason for this preference is simple — novelty makes us happy. Brain research has shown that a rush of dopamine accompanies fresh experiences of any kind. In one study published in the journal Neuron, researchers showed participants a series of images that were mostly very similar and commonplace: ordinary landscapes, interiors, and faces. Then, they randomly threw in an “oddball” image, something that was unexpected and out of the ordinary. Observing which areas of the subjects’ brains were activated during the experiment, they found that the “pleasure centers” of the brain, located mainly in the midbrain, were activated when the oddball appeared, resulting in a flood of dopamine throughout the brain.

Similarly, the initial feelings of being in a new romantic liaison eventually wear off. That’s where it can get tricky. For someone who is not committed or who is looking to exit the relationship, any bump in the road can be used as an excuse to bail.

Tough times are inevitable, and depending on each person’s ability to cope, even a good man/woman might not stick around. But in cases where the couple is willing to work through challenges, there’s hope. And it lies in communication.

On Fatherly.com, Ethan Kross, Ph.D., professor, and founder of the Emotion & Self-Control Lab at the University of Michigan, explains it thusly:

The ability to manage your own emotions is extremely important.

We know when people have trouble managing negative feelings, or chatter, the spillover effects can negatively affect relationships.

We all argue, but the challenge is making those arguments more constructive. It’s helpful to remind each other, ‘I know we’re arguing right now, but I love you.’

Just as the newness of a romantic relationship wears off, sometimes so do the things that initially attract us to a man. What was once cute suddenly becomes annoying, for example, when he says “you’re so crazy, but I think it’s cute.”

The Fear Factor Is Real

That four-letter F-word can have disastrous consequences if left unattended. And even when we know the underlying causes, it can still threaten our sanity both within ourselves and that of our relationships.

Fear, as defined by Collins Dictionary, is an unpleasant feeling you have when you think you’re in danger. Among the multitude types, two common ones are:

1. Intimacy
2. Commitment

Understanding there are several categories of intimacy (spiritual, emotional, intellectual, sexual), we see how much fear negatively impacts more than in the carnal sense. This 2021 medically reviewed Very Well Mind article offers insight —

The fear of intimacy is separate from the fear of vulnerability, though the two can be closely intertwined. A person who is living with a fear of intimacy may be comfortable becoming vulnerable and showing their true self to the world at first, but there are often limits to how vulnerable they’ll allow themselves to be.

For someone who fears intimacy, the problem often begins when the person finds relationships becoming “too close.”

Intertwined with the unease of closeness lies commitment. And it can be viewed through a dual-lens — a woman afraid of fully dedicating herself to the relationship or being with a man who’s fearful of committing himself to their union. Either way, we look at it, the key question is what’s behind these feelings?

Not being ready to get serious, past hurt, feeling trapped, and/or wanting to avoid plans are just some reasons that lead a partner to steer clear of that C-word. It’s also important to note that not everyone wants a committed relationship — if that’s the case, one shouldn’t force it.

However, in a situation where the couple sees a potential future together, there’s hope. Healthline.com offers a few tips:

• Talk about it — putting a name to your fear can help you feel better about it: if you care about your partner but know you have issues with commitment, try talking to them
• Individual therapy — a great place to start examining possible reasons why commitment might pose a challenge for you
• Couples therapy — a skilled therapist can help you and your partner navigate challenges and begin working through them to develop a stronger partnership
• Practice commitment — try developing committed habits together through baby steps (e.g., spend the night together; spend a weekend together a few miles out of town; hold hands in public or around people you know; talk about plans for a different season (next summer/winter) and see how that feels; check out apartments or houses together, if that’s where your relationship is headed (thinking about what it would be like to share that space with your partner)

Finding Your Foolproof Formula

No one can promise to have all the answers in life, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Romantic relationships will always have stressful moments. And men, as well as women, are responsible for their part in addressing those challenges.

The maxim know thyself becomes more than a simple cliché when we spend time with ourselves — looking in the mirror past our physical beings. With painfully raw introspection we can get closer to how we are. And in doing so we can find clarity about what we want in a partner.

There are no guarantees, but giving in to fear cannot be the answer. After all, taking risks to create that special bond with another being is a treasure. It reminds us of our capacity to create a kinder world.

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Previously Published on medium

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Photo credit: iStock