I’m a bit obsessed with finding the meaning of life. If you’ve seen it anywhere, can you please let me know where it is?
I’ve listened to many great thinkers and spiritual masters, in case there’s some secret trick I missed. I’ve had a somewhat troubling past and many of the human virtues are still remote to me. So, my quest to become a better (hu)man continues. Here’s something worth contemplating if you have any thoughts, as I do, of not being quite good enough.
Chogyam Trungpa, a Buddhist master, suggested in his book Shambala: The sacred path of the warrior that human goodness is based on gentleness and open-ness. It is the way of the gentle warrior. When we bring our skills, intelligence, strength and experience to bear on life and to all the beings in it, gentle care will be the balm that smooths the path of our efforts and energies.
The essence of open-ness is transcending cowardice and manifesting bravery, which is being without self-deception. Rather than thinking of bravery as facing up to an enemy or being willing to die for a cause, we can look at it as authenticity – being fearlessly exactly as we are – willing to love and care for others.
This doesn’t match what I was taught as a child.
I was carefully instructed to hide as much of myself as I could, because I wasn’t good enough.
The male stereotype of the time was that men were strong, good providers, un-emotional and self-contained. They were the anchor, holding the family together financially and in the outer world. A good man upheld the status, discipline and security of the family. He was heterosexual, married, decent. He demonstrated an enquiring mind, solid career and hobbies like fishing, horse racing and sport. Men smoked and drank whiskey with their male friends and sang once a year in church with deep gravelly voices. Men fixed their own cars back then and maybe even made their own furniture. They grew their own vegetables and had a shed in the garden. I learned not to bother my father after work and not to bug him with questions. He carved the roast and sat on the master chair at the end of the table, absorbed in his own thoughts.
My father was a loving and caring man though, and tended to us as children through feeding, bathing, telling us stories and taking us on adventures. He was a gentle man and I knew he loved us. I still felt that we existed in a Victorian pallor though, where we should be seen and not heard.
The difference between that vision and expectations of the modern man is a chasm I don’t know how to cross. Not so long ago, the qualities of gentleness, egalitarianism, downplayed machismo and care were derided in a man as ‘snaggy’ (Sensitive New Age Guy). Culture changes so fast, but not fast enough. The current climate of inquiry into what is a real man is timely and needed, as we wander aimlessly.
We are collectively lost in a modern disconnection that we struggle to make sense of. I wish there was a clearer instruction manual. Aspiring to traditional virtues and keeping an open mind is my best offer.
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Dex, well done. Your understanding and acceptance are natural power put to compassionate use. Thank you.