I went on a 3rd very spur of the moment date with non-rebound guy, remember him? Hal. Throughout the date we had some funny, some serious, some pointless conversations. I think that’s what I like best about him so far. Our intellect and curiosity are very similar — which brings me to a conversation we had that really stuck out to me.
“What do you expect when you tell someone you love them?”
The question came from him as I pulled off the exit to my house from getting drinks and sitting in the back of a downtown restaurant for 2 hours. My answer was simple, it all depends on the person. But the topic was about the general consensus not me, but it did make me think about how I feel about the words I love you.
New Years Eve 2012
I told my boyfriend, who would turn into my Fiance later in life that I loved him. We had been dating exclusively for 10 months or so and I did love him. He said it back and then we were in bliss for a few days. Until he took it back.
What?!
“I know I told you I loved you, but I don’t. I’m not ready for love and I don’t know what love is”
Turns out, he will never know what love is during our relationship.
Did that stop me from loving him? Not at all. Did it stop me from believing in love? for a little bit.
Fast Forward to Today
After multiple heartbreaks from one person, learning how to be alone and loving it, and loving myself first. My relationship with love has changed immensely.
It’s true that someone can love you, without loving you. They can be in love with who you are and still treat you terribly. Love can manifest itself as control, as manipulation and abuse. But that isn’t love. I was loved without being loved. He loved what I did for him. He didn’t love me and he didn’t love me unconditionally. But is love always unconditional?
If I set a boundary that I didn’t want crossed (like, please no sending naked photos back and forth with your “friend”) his love was taken away.
I can’t love someone who needs to set bounds on me.
When I questioned his loyalty to me because the woman he cheated on me with sent me their sex video. His love was taken away. It wasn’t even there at this point.
I can’t love someone who will believe someone else over me. Don’t you love me? How can you believe this is true.
When I had to resort to an ultimatum of help me around the house, or hire a housecleaner to come pick up after you because I’m not your mother and I work full time.
If you truly loved me you would cater to me. I am going to be your husband after all.
His love was conditional. It was always that way. How did 9 years of conditional love make me see love?
I don’t know what love is. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be loved. I know how I don’t want to be loved, but I don’t know what unconditional love from a partner really is.
And that scares me.
Love: an intense feeling of deep affection.
If I were to base my feelings on this definition alone, I love so many people. Being in love is different though. The way I see it, when you are in love, it’s more than just affection. There is loyalty, trust, vulnerability and so much more. I realize I haven’t been in-love with someone in a very long time. Years. 4 years ago to be exact. For 4 years, I have been yearning to be in love.
But how will I know when I am in love, if I haven’t experienced it in so long? How do I know I am even receptive to love? How do I know I’m ready for love? They say it slaps you in the face when it happens.
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Previously Published on medium
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