Aleasa Word gets men to confess what they know about love.
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Today is Valentine’s Day and historically it has become the day for women. It’s a day when men do their best to go all out to spend money on material things to show their love to the women in their lives…..right? Fast forward to 2015 and we still see the same commercialized need to purchase gifts to prove one’s love or as a token of its existence regardless of whether you are a heterosexual or homosexual couple. Valentine’s Day and its mascot Cupid are all everywhere as symbols of what love is; but, is it all a fairytale? Do we even know what love really is, really should be or how to even receive it?
After putting out a call to men to tell me what they learned about love as a man, I received no responses at first. I put the call out again and even tried different avenues on social media, once again with no response. I tried a third time and received this in a direct message from one man “no man is going to talk about this.” I then decided to ask the men in my circle whether family or colleagues. I even asked a few men on the elevator that I see daily as I run to and from meetings to help me out with what I needed to know. The result from face to face questioning was far better than my asking those online who could have remained hidden behind twitter handles and computers. The responses ran the span of funny, heart warming, informative, and slightly alarming all the way to downright heartbreaking.
Question: If you could tell me the most important thing you’ve learned about love as a man what would it be?
A1: “Honestly, I don’t know how to answer that. I know I love my lady but It’s kind of like a thing you know to do because you’ve committed to them and they’re part of me as part of my family.
A2: “I didn’t learn about love as a man until I became a man. In my twenties I thought I was a man but I didn’t possess all the qualities I needed to be whole so how could I really love when I didn’t even understand myself. I learned that love is something you gotta’ have inside you because you can’t give it unless you have it.”
A3: “I learned that women love a lot differently than men (in my experience). I still don’t really understand their version but I know for us it involves respecting us. If you don’t respect me I don’t feel like you love me.
A4: “I learned what it was like to finally love someone after being out there for a while and then got my own feelings crushed. That was the first time I realized how others I’d been with felt when I simply didn’t care about anything but what I wanted. I learned that love is powerful and good but it can also be dangerous in the wrong hands.”
A5: “I’m just getting to a point that I know it’s not about the stuff you buy for somebody. There are other things that matter for the whole picture to show a person you love them. I wish I knew that before I got divorced twice. I thought as long as I could buy things, honestly it would make things ok.”
A6: “I learned that sex is a whole lot better when you two love each other.”
What I heard in each response was that a man needed to GIVE as it pertains to love. Sadly, what I didn’t hear is them talking about HOW they RECEIVE love. Though we are moving into a different dynamic that is showing us we must spend more time and energy on boy’s emotional needs for the benefit of their growth into manhood, we aren’t completely there yet. When boys are told things like “man up” “boys don’t cry” “love is for girls” “you have to be the provider to show them love” and more it sends a message that they must give and never receive. A man who knows how to receive love is quite a different man than one who doesn’t. He is surer in his footing. He is strong in his decisions and fearless in situations where he may have had fears before that fueled things like anger, procrastination, refusing to reach out etc.
When we talk about love whether we speak about it or show it through our body language, it is important to understand how others have learned to receive it. Today I offer this call to action. For each of your children, simply ask them “what does it mean to love AND what does it mean to receive love” in your opinion? You’d be surprised at the answers. This, however, is a path for growth for all people, both men and women because we all matter equally regardless of who you are.
Photo: MattysFlicks/Flickr