I love reading. Always have. But sometimes, books are mean.
There I was, minding my own business, lost in a book, when suddenly…
We often assume that having more structural ties in a relationship means more security.
BAM! For no reason at all, the book decides to personally attack me!
***
You see, when I was young, I was never what you would call successful with the ladies.
Why was this? Well, all sorts of reasons, to be honest. I could go into detail about never being one of the Cool Kids, not being conventionally attractive, etc., etc. But the most significant factor was most likely my own self-esteem. It’s hard to get a girlfriend if you’re too scared to ask a girl out. But then they never asked me out either, so there were failings on both sides.
But to skip to the end, the fact of the matter is I was 19 before I had a real girlfriend.
Things picked up after that. That relationship didn’t last, of course. I might have thought it would, but what did I know? So I had some heartbreak. And in the year or so that followed, there was further heartbreak to be endured. But then, at last, I finally met “The One”.
We were 21 years old. And within a decade, we would be married own a house together.
And I was proud of my relationship. I had gone from being the friend who was always single to being in the longest surviving relationship of my social group. Apparently, when it came to relationships, I knew what I was doing. We’d dated, lived together, and then got married. We hosted parties. We purchased real furniture. Things that didn’t come flat-packed.
You know? All the signs of a secure relationship.
And now we’re separated.
***
So what happened?
We had all the hallmarks of a secure relationship. Surely, having got to this point, everything was on our side for a long and successful marriage.
Well, let’s go back to that book I mentioned in the introduction — you know, the one that personally attacked me
When we rely on the structure of the relationship, whether that is through being monogamous with someone or practicing hierarchical forms of CNM, we run the risk of forgetting that secure attachment is an embodied expression built upon how we consistently respond and attune to each other, not something that gets created through structure and hierarchy.
The book in question is Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by psychotherapist Jessica Fern.
In her book, Fern explores the ideas of Attachment Theory and its relationship with ethical non-monogamy. At the time of writing, I’m around halfway through. And it was here that I came across the section that caused me to stop and take a moment.
Because this is precisely what I’d been doing.
Spending my teenage years without a girlfriend led to me developing numerous insecurities around my desirability. Was I just undesirable? Destined to a life without love or sexual adventure?
I know, right? Such confidence. What could possibly have been holding me back with the ladies?
So, when I finally found myself in genuine, long-term relationships, I latched on to whatever gave me a sense of security. Rather than looking at the compatibility of myself and my partner, I looked to the structures we created around us.
We lived together. We got married. Got a mortgage. Shared a bank account. Attended parties and social events as a couple.
And I allowed myself to believe that these were all signs that our relationship was strong. That is was real.
The narratives people have about love, marriage, primary partnership and how to achieve relationship security are powerful, so much so that just the idea of being in love, married or in a primary partnership can lead us to think we are experiencing attachment security when in reality we might not be.
Don’t get me wrong. This wasn’t a bad relationship. Nor was it a weak one. Yes, we’ve now separated, but I’ve written elsewhere that this isn’t a sign that anything was wrong. I’ve written elsewhere that sometimes relationships simply come to an end, and that isn’t a bad thing. We had fifteen wonderful years together, and for the majority of that time we were strong.
But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t counting on the wrong things as a signifier of that strength.
I was still looking at the structures, not the relationship itself.
What Jessica Fern has done, in her personally attacking book, has brought one of these lessons into stark relief.
In the last couple of years, two things have forced me to take a thorough look at my attitudes to my relationships.
One is embracing polyamory. Beginning a journey into any form of ethical non-monogamy is hard, and involves working on both yourself and your relationship.
The other is my marriage ending. I’ve accepted that it was simply time for it to come to an end, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t lessons I can take from it. Focusing on both the things I did right and the things I did wrong will help me to allow me to create stronger relationships in the future.
What Jessica Fern has done, in her personally attacking book, has brought one of these lessons into stark relief.
Are things like marriages and joint bank accounts good? Yes.
Are they a sign of a strong and healthy relationship? No.
They can be part of a strong and healthy relationship, but that doesn’t make them a sign of one.
***
So here’s your homework.
Take a look at your relationship. What makes it feel secure to you?
Is it the structures? The things you and your partner have built together?
If that’s the case, imagine your relationship without them. Sweep away all the legal, structural, and practical elements, and picture what would be left between you both.
Is that enough to keep you together?
Because what’s left are the things that really keep you together. Without them, your relationship may continue, but it won’t be fulfiling or satisfying.
Because it’s the substance, not the structure, that makes your relationships strong.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
***
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