Yeah, it completely sucks.
This article is not about how much it hurts, it’s actually just about what I tried, why it failed, and what you should do instead.
It’s not in times of prosperity that we look to change things, it’s only in times of despair.
I got negative responses from three girls of which I had varying levels of interest in and the hurt is what drove me to do some reflection.
I did some quiet sitting alone, I did some rage-filled workouts at the gym, and I sought out answers online as well. Here is what I’ve been able to piece together so far:
Women Pick Guys, Guys Do Not Pick Women
This is perhaps the biggest and most impactful lesson to take from this post because you’ll need to remember it for the rest of your life.
Guys do not pick women and the reason why is because that would basically be by force. The guy should already be doing the approaching and planning of dates, so if the woman isn’t interested, how could this possibly work?
How it actually works is that a woman decides she’s interested in a guy, she sends signals to let the guy know and encourage him to move, and the guy then approaches with what should be some success being that you both have declared your interest.
Us guys have a terribly hard time picking up on the social cues that women are CONSTANTLY sending out, but it’s well worth it to learn some of them. The more obvious ones are:
- she’ll look at you often from across the room
- she’ll make a point of getting closer to you
- she’ll ask you very personal questions about you if you’re already talking
- she might even touch you on on the arm, back, or shoulder
When you pick up on these signals, life becomes easier for you because you can more easily gauge who’s interested in you and who is not. Women are not going to overtly say it so forget that idea.
Looking back, none of the women I approached showed any of these signals.
More insult to injury as the embarrassment piles on. But it is what it is. Now I know better for next time. I’ve even recognized other women who have been displaying these traits toward me.
You Must Build Trust Before Escalating
Women have to be protective of themselves. It is risky for them to say yes to a guy they don’t know well and agree to go with him to an unfamiliar location.
Why should you care about that?
The reason why is because women are going to say no before they say yes.
It’s a safety issue. They need to know they can trust you. Two of the three women who rejected me have previously talked to me about their worries over being kidnapped or being threatened while they are alone.
I never thought much about this to be honest but it makes perfect sense why they’re going to put their walls up to you if there’s any suspicion.
Looking back, I escalated too quickly with those two. Both of which I tried to make plans with before I knew them well so they both skipped over my proposition and took the conversation elsewhere.
Also, one of them I touched very early on and even though I thought it was a comfortable situation, it might’ve actually hurt me overall.
One of them I also surprised when I initially walked up to talk to her. That put her in a more defensive posture. Then, by the time I asked her out, I didn’t stand a chance.
Make sure the woman is showing signs of comfort around you before you advance things.
If you’re able to make a woman laugh hard, then she probably loves being around you and wouldn’t be alarmed if you advanced your interest. If all you talk about is the weather and work with a girl though, she probably doesn’t want to be invited to your place alone.
You have to show her that you are a trustworthy option for her because she’s not going to take that gamble.
They’ll Be Interested When You’re On Your Game, Not Chasing Them
Women do not like guys that chase them around, ask them tons of questions, and want to know their every move. That screams desperation.
They like guys who have options and can display some type of abundance. Your actions will show how you really feel about yourself and your chances of connecting with this person. It’s in your behavior.
Show her that you are interested, but could live without her. Do this by staying on your game whether that’s at work, at the gym, or any other pursuits in life.
Guys who dedicate themselves to worthy pursuits are instantly more attractive than guys who don’t have much going on and are worried about what she thinks of him.
I screwed up in this area a lot. I talked to the women as often as I could and didn’t have any boundaries for when I should stop. I also tried to put myself closer to them as often as I could which most likely made them feel I was acting too desperately.
Again, that’s not attractive. They want to see they you can take care of yourself and your own business with or without them.
It’s important to note that I never got mad. They have the right to say no and that shouldn’t be held against them.
Bonus tip: don’t ever get mad as the rejection is happening or become bitter towards them afterwards.
That is thoroughly unattractive and will destroy any chances you might’ve had later. Keep the energy positive and roll with it.
If it’s a woman you know personally and still talk to, pick up where you left off with her and let the rejection take a backseat. It shows composure, assuredness, and a healthy mindset that her saying no to you didn’t ruin your whole week.
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Previously Published on medium
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