I remember he was late. So late.
I show up five minutes early to everything. I know, I’m that person. Did it stem from my lacking social life at the time, or did it stem from the amount of control I wanted over my own life? I can’t tell you, even over a year later. All I know is that he was late, but he walked into the cafe, tapped my shoulder, and had an easy, unabashed smile while he apologized for the time.
That night, we laughed over cups of Earl Grey and I felt like we really connected. I found out I was wrong three months later when he vanished into thin air.
I took it hard. Who wouldn’t? I had become blind. I never looked up and saw the looming clouds that were darkening, and only after weeks of picking apart the remaining ashes did I come to my senses. He never really wanted me. And that is something that I would have to accept.
Everything is not perfect.
He set up rules. He wouldn’t respond to texts unless he was off from work or on his lunch break and we would meet up on weekends when he wasn’t working. I thought this was all fair. When we would see each other, he would be stressed or exhausted from work. His life revolved around his work.
Before I knew it, work had become the main person in our relationship and I felt like I was third wheeling. I thought that was fine because I didn’t know any better. I would put a ton of effort in my appearance, or my apartment, and he would show up in shorts and a t-shirt. It felt like an unspoken rule that I was supposed to hold myself to a higher standard than him.
He didn’t want to talk about anything negative either. I know better now, but those rose-colored glasses were so strong then that I smiled and accepted it and thought everything was fine.
It wasn’t fine. It wasn’t perfect. Those rose-colored glasses distorted my reality so much and I had no understanding on how relationships worked. I relied on him to steer us in the right direction and fix my misconceptions, but that wasn’t going to happen if he wouldn’t put in effort and if I didn’t understand that a relationship was based on two people. I slowly felt like I was losing my individuality and the person I was before I met him.
I really wish that I hadn’t been so naive, but I’m better now. I’m stronger. I know that everyone has flaws, especially people I’m interested in. I took this lesson and held it close to my heart, and carried it with me when I was ready to meet more people. The men I met all had their flaws. One was afraid of commitment. Another would only talk to me when he wanted something from me. Yet another tried forcing me to meet him when I was under a tremendous amount of pressure thanks to my career choices. Had I not known better, I wouldn’t have stood up for myself or walked away.
I deserve someone who meets me halfway.
The first person you are in a relationship with isn’t the perfect fit for you. That’s because no one is the perfect fit for you. Humans aren’t puzzle pieces that happen to fall perfectly into place. We are more like trees, shedding our leaves and extending our branches as we grow older and wiser. If your significant other grows with you, then they aren’t the same person they were when you met them.
In my case, he refused to change or compromise in any way. He always had work, and as respectful as I tried to be about his time, he never offered the same respect to me. Even if I didn’t want to be out late because I needed to study, he was available then, so we had to take advantage of it. Even the food we ate was based on his preferences. We all deserve someone who continues to expand their metaphorical horizons along with us, and if you’re the rare person who gets that from your first relationship, good for you. I wasn’t as lucky, but I’m able to find someone who meets me halfway now.
Back then, I took everything at face value. I thought it was okay that he didn’t show up for events that were important to me, or ignored how I communicated my thoughts or even my love language. He wasn’t willing to try. In reality, we weren’t a good fit. But maybe it was because I was into him fully, and he didn’t reciprocate to the same degree. In that case, the breakup was a welcome one and did me a favor, because I want someone who feels the same about me.
I needed to be me.
I made the mistake of losing myself in his life, and I could feel my individuality slipping away. I could slowly see myself talking less to my friends and not having the time to spend time with them, and I started feeling isolated. I started looking into his interests, ignoring that he wouldn’t do the same for me, and my hobbies took a back seat because someone I cared about didn’t think they were important.
It hurt. I told him about a huge event that I was planning. There were over a thousand people involved. I asked him to come to the show because I had poured a year of my life into every detail, and I wanted him to see the fruits of my labor.
He yawned. “I don’t think I’ll come.”
“But why? What else do you have to do?” I asked, incredibly confused.
He shrugged. “I’ll probably do laundry.”
That’s when I saw the end. Granted, we officially took a break a few days later and then fully broke up a month later, I should have known it ended right then and there. I was tired of trying to interest him and trying to be someone I wasn’t, because the real me was so invested in my academics and hobbies that I shouldn’t have wasted the time in trying to please someone else.
And that didn’t make me happy anymore. I should have seen the signs lurking on the horizon that he was getting bored, but all I saw was the potential in him and how I was happy to spend time with him.
I cried, wiped my tears, and put on that killer event anyway. I didn’t need him to congratulate me on my hard work paying off. I just needed to be satisfied with my own work, and over a year later, I am.
I’m in a better place now. In a way, I’m thankful I met him, because I wouldn’t be the person I am today. He set my standards and expectations, and I now know that I deserve better and I have so much to offer in an equal partnership. Without the lessons my first real relationship taught me, I wouldn’t have met and connected with the caring and careful man that I am currently with.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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