You may have heard the terms: conscious uncoupling or conscious leadership, but have you ever heard of conscious parenting? I find that becoming a better parent has little to do with your kids and more to do with you: how you’re behaving, how you were raised as a child, and how you take a look at yourself instead of blaming, shaming or pointing the finger at your kids when things don’t go your way.
I believe that conscious parenting is about letting go of your ego, desires and attachments about how you think your kids should behave. It’s about turning inward and looking at your own missteps. The more self-work a parent does, the more successful their parenting will be.
According to psychology, there are four main types of parenting styles, based on the work of Diana Baumrind, a developmental psychologist, and Stanford researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin.
Permissive — The child runs the show and there are hardly any rules or guidelines
Authoritative — The parent and child solve problems together, there are clear rules and guidelines and natural consequences with open communication
Neglectful — The parent is absent and uninvolved in the child’s life and provides little nurturance and guidance
Authoritarian — The parent runs the show where they set strict rules and punishments; there’s one-way communication with little consideration of the child’s needs
You may be able to guess that the Authoritative parent is the healthiest: they communicate clearly and frequently with the child, they set clear rules and expectations, and allow for natural consequences to happen (for example, if a child doesn’t study for a test, they may get a bad grade).
Yet I wanted to take things a step further — especially when parents themselves may have grown up with neglectful or authoritarian parents — to ask the question: how would they themselves become healthy parents?
It’s all about inner work.
Conscious parenting isn’t a set of rules to follow but rather a collection of beliefs that allow the parent and child to learn together and thrive.
Rooted in Eastern-style philosophy and Western-style psychology, it weaves mindfulness and self-reflection that always asks the question: what’s mine, what can I learn, and how can I become less reactive and more accepting of my child and of myself?
I am a father of three, and conscious parenting completely changed my life and I want to get the message out there to other parents to know: they’re not alone, and yes, there are things you can do to ease the journey of parenting.
- View parenting as a relationship, not a one-way street. Every person is unique and different, including your children. You can learn from them just as much as they learn from you.
- A big part is letting go: of your ego, attachments, desires, etc. An example of this would be letting go of the idea that your child needs to be a baseball player when they want to study music instead.
- Rather than forcing behaviors, parents should focus on their own language, expectations and their own self-regulation. Blaming and getting frustrated with children who have far less life experience is a recipe for disaster, especially when they get to adulthood.
- Instead of trying to immediately fix or stop a situation (like a temper tantrum), it’s important to study and learn the events that led up to the tantrum, and how you can avoid it in the future. Talk to your child about this and be an open book.
- Let your child go through struggles. A parent’s job isn’t to save their children all the time, but to let them fall, learn and grow, as this will shape them to become strong, resilient and wise adults.
- Accept what is. Whatever it is you’re going through with your child, even if it’s not pleasant or what you want, the first step toward understanding and change is acceptance. Always accept your child, no matter what.
Going to therapy, meditation, studying mindfulness and joining conscious parenting support groups are all great ways to start on the process of conscious parenting. Being a parent is a big role and it’s important we support each other!
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Previously Published on Medium
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