Recently, I had a conversation with a guy. OK, let me further qualify that statement. A physically amazing, charming and funny guy. Single (check). Very ambitious (check). Enjoys women of all cultures (checkmate).
Well, at least 10 years ago, he would have been a checkmate.
However, as we began to talk more, strictly on a platonic level, and he shared with me the fact that he’s not good at being able to hold down a relationship, that he has a thing for choosing women who have more beauty than substance and then weaving those revelations in with “Oh, I definitely have some issues”, I heard him differently than I’ve heard other men before who were a lot like him.
And then I went to his Facebook page. Let’s just say that his friends don’t seem to be the most…polite and I’m a firm believer that friendships reveal a lot about a person. That yes, oftentimes birds of a feather do indeed flock together. Or at least hang out more than they probably should.
Hmm. You know, my running joke with some of my friends is that…
In your 20s, you want a man who is fine.
In your 30s, you want a man who likes you at the same time that you like him.
In your 40s, which is me, you want a man who can fix your car. Oh, and you also want a man who is nice.
Hopefully, by the time this article is done, the men who are nice will see just how wonderful they truly are and the women (no matter how old they are) who are checking it out as well will learn to give nice guys more than a second look. That’s because I’m going to attempt to share with nice men a few things that women eventually come to realize about them. That way, perhaps they’ll drop the ridiculous motto “Nice guys finish last” and pick up “Nice guys, when they choose to remain nice, more times than not, finish best.”
Nice guys are kind (by very definition of the word). I remember my mother once saying to me, “Shellie, I just want you to marry a kind man. It makes all the difference in a relationship.” As I was just telling a few of my girlfriends, in hindsight, I realize that a kind guy was never on my priority. Smart? Yes. Funny. Sure. Spiritual? Uh-huh. But considerate of my feelings and needs? Nope. And you know why that wasn’t a priority to me? It’s because for years, I wasn’t very kind to myself. Considerate men didn’t have “the edge” that I was looking for; the edge that ended up slicing my heart more than a few times. However, the more I care about me, the more I want a man who truly does as well. So, that said, if you’re the kind of man who is gentle with your words, if you call, text and email just to see if the women in your life are OK and (this is a huge selling point) if you can apologize when you are wrong, you are a nice guy. And don’t fret or change. Emotionally healthy women (which is what you are deserving of), they will take notice.
Nice guys are dependable. When I’m talking to young women who are in high school and college, one of the main things that I tell them is that it’s always to their benefit that they hang around a few nice guys. And shoot, not only just hang around them, but even go on a couple of dates with them too. In your late teens and early 20s, nice guys are the ones who go to proms and banquets with you because they like you as a person; not just so they can get inside of your pants. And as you mature, you also realize that they are the ones who make dates and keep them. Not only that, but they actually plan ahead. They tend to know just where they are taking you and it’s usually a place that is sweet and memorable. Nice guys are the ones who are gonna call when they say they will and are usually quite clear about their intentions. Even if they are shy, they still find some way to convey their level of interest and where they want the relationship to go. Nice guys are who you can call when you’ve had a hard day at work or when you receive bad news. And they’re not going to rush you while you’re talking, either. In fact, that brings me to the next point.
Nice guys are great listeners. There is nothing like talking to someone who listens to you. I mean, is really present in the conversation. If it’s on the phone, they wait patiently until you finish without cutting you off and if it’s in person, there is complete and total eye contact. Good listeners are usually awesome communicators because they are paying attention, not just to your words but also to your body language as well. It’s been my personal observation and to a certain degree experience that this is another standout trait of a nice guy. Interestingly enough, my late fiancé (he died back in 1995) was a nice guy; a nice guy that I took for granted in some ways. I remember him once asking me in August if I wanted him to bring me back something from his hometown (he lived in a big city) and I told him that I wanted a Mac lip pencil in Chestnut. We only discussed it once and he went there for our fall break in October. When he returned, guess what he had in his hand? Yep. When a man goes beyond merely hearing you to actually retaining what you have to say, that makes a woman feel appreciated and on some levels, even safe because she’s in the presence of someone who cares enough to care…about whatever it is she cares about. Yeah, that’s nice. A down-comforter-on-a-winter’s-day-cozy-feeling kind of nice.
And yes, I know that some of you nice guys who are reading this are probably thinking “Well, if we’re so awesome, why do so many women treat us like little brothers or even worse, like total crap?” Look, I’m going to let you in on something that might spare you further pain and disillusionment. Women who are looking for husbands don’t mistreat nice guys.
And what I mean by that is if you’re only approaching the “hot chicks” or the women who you feel will validate some insecurity that you had during your adolescence, you might be in for a bit of an emotional roller coaster ride. Or worse.
But if you truly want a solid and committed relationship, being kind and dependable and a good listener —those are stellar husband traits. And a woman who is truly ready for marriage is going to take note.
That’s why I am a firm believer that nice guys don’t finish last; that nice guys actually finish best.
The not-so-nice guys get the dates (or the one-night stands).
The nice guys get the lifelong mates.
So, the next time you’re tempted to stop being a nice guy, please keep all of this in mind. You are so special just the way you are. And all women, at one time or another, one way or another, eventually come to realize this very fact. Hang in there. “She’s” coming.