Nice guys don’t finish last, they actually finish best!
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Recently, I had a conversation with a guy. OK, let me further qualify that statement. A physically amazing, charming and funny guy. Single (check). Very ambitious (check). Enjoys women of all cultures (checkmate).
Well, at least 10 years ago, he would have been a checkmate.
However, as we began to talk more, strictly on a platonic level, and he shared with me the fact that he’s not good at being able to hold down a relationship, that he has a thing for choosing women who have more beauty than substance and then weaving those revelations in with “Oh, I definitely have some issues”, I heard him differently than I’ve heard other men before who were a lot like him.
I remember my mother once saying to me, “Shellie, I just want you to marry a kind man. It makes all the difference in a relationship.”
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And then I went to his Facebook page. Let’s just say that his friends don’t seem to be the most…polite and I’m a firm believer that friendships reveal a lot about a person. That yes, oftentimes birds of a feather do indeed flock together. Or at least hang out more than they probably should.
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Hmm. You know, my running joke with some of my friends is that…
In your 20s, you want a man who is fine.
In your 30s, you want a man who likes you at the same time that you like him.
In your 40s, which is me, you want a man who can fix your car. Oh, and you also want a man who is nice.
Hopefully, by the time this article is done, the men who are nice will see just how wonderful they truly are and the women (no matter how old they are) who are checking it out as well will learn to give nice guys more than a second look. That’s because I’m going to attempt to share with nice men a few things that women eventually come to realize about them. That way, perhaps they’ll drop the ridiculous motto “Nice guys finish last” and pick up “Nice guys, when they choose to remain nice, more times than not, finish best.”
Nice guys are kind (by very definition of the word). I remember my mother once saying to me, “Shellie, I just want you to marry a kind man. It makes all the difference in a relationship.” As I was just telling a few of my girlfriends, in hindsight, I realize that a kind guy was never on my priority. Smart? Yes. Funny. Sure. Spiritual? Uh-huh. But considerate of my feelings and needs? Nope. And you know why that wasn’t a priority to me? It’s because for years, I wasn’t very kind to myself. Considerate men didn’t have “the edge” that I was looking for; the edge that ended up slicing my heart more than a few times. However, the more I care about me, the more I want a man who truly does as well. So, that said, if you’re the kind of man who is gentle with your words, if you call, text and email just to see if the women in your life are OK and (this is a huge selling point) if you can apologize when you are wrong, you are a nice guy. And don’t fret or change. Emotionally healthy women (which is what you are deserving of), they will take notice.
As I was just telling a few of my girlfriends, in hindsight, I realize that a kind guy was never on my priority.
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Nice guys are dependable. When I’m talking to young women who are in high school and college, one of the main things that I tell them is that it’s always to their benefit that they hang around a few nice guys. And shoot, not only just hang around them, but even go on a couple of dates with them too. In your late teens and early 20s, nice guys are the ones who go to proms and banquets with you because they like you as a person; not just so they can get inside of your pants. And as you mature, you also realize that they are the ones who make dates and keep them. Not only that, but they actually plan ahead. They tend to know just where they are taking you and it’s usually a place that is sweet and memorable. Nice guys are the ones who are gonna call when they say they will and are usually quite clear about their intentions. Even if they are shy, they still find some way to convey their level of interest and where they want the relationship to go. Nice guys are who you can call when you’ve had a hard day at work or when you receive bad news. And they’re not going to rush you while you’re talking, either. In fact, that brings me to the next point.
Nice guys are great listeners. There is nothing like talking to someone who listens to you. I mean, is really present in the conversation. If it’s on the phone, they wait patiently until you finish without cutting you off and if it’s in person, there is complete and total eye contact. Good listeners are usually awesome communicators because they are paying attention, not just to your words but also to your body language as well. It’s been my personal observation and to a certain degree experience that this is another standout trait of a nice guy. Interestingly enough, my late fiancé (he died back in 1995) was a nice guy; a nice guy that I took for granted in some ways. I remember him once asking me in August if I wanted him to bring me back something from his hometown (he lived in a big city) and I told him that I wanted a Mac lip pencil in Chestnut. We only discussed it once and he went there for our fall break in October. When he returned, guess what he had in his hand? Yep. When a man goes beyond merely hearing you to actually retaining what you have to say, that makes a woman feel appreciated and on some levels, even safe because she’s in the presence of someone who cares enough to care…about whatever it is she cares about. Yeah, that’s nice. A down-comforter-on-a-winter’s-day-cozy-feeling kind of nice.
And yes, I know that some of you nice guys who are reading this are probably thinking “Well, if we’re so awesome, why do so many women treat us like little brothers or even worse, like total crap?” Look, I’m going to let you in on something that might spare you further pain and disillusionment. Women who are looking for husbands don’t mistreat nice guys.
And what I mean by that is if you’re only approaching the “hot chicks” or the women who you feel will validate some insecurity that you had during your adolescence, you might be in for a bit of an emotional roller coaster ride. Or worse.
That’s why I am a firm believer that nice guys don’t finish last; that nice guys actually finish best.
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But if you truly want a solid and committed relationship, being kind and dependable and a good listener —those are stellar husband traits. And a woman who is truly ready for marriage is going to take note.
That’s why I am a firm believer that nice guys don’t finish last; that nice guys actually finish best.
The not-so-nice guys get the dates (or the one-night stands).
The nice guys get the lifelong mates.
So, the next time you’re tempted to stop being a nice guy, please keep all of this in mind. You are so special just the way you are. And all women, at one time or another, one way or another, eventually come to realize this very fact. Hang in there. “She’s” coming.
Photo: Flickr/Andy
Post wall 40-something woman trying to convince herself and betabux that she has something of value to offer…. Outside of building a family, which most modern women won’t do anyway unless it’s going to end with a ruined man after divorce. A woman in her 40s who doesn’t already have a functioning family and intact partnership/marriage is NEVER a catch and whichever fool gets with her will be nothing but a tool. Romantic love is a fantasy that only men really believe, because only nature’s provider would dream of being loved for who he is rather than what he provides,… Read more »
playah’s talk like that – not men
The nice guys get the lifelong mates.
true… but what do you bring to the table?
Women do not owe men a relationship for beimg nice. If we are not attracted to him thst way it does not make us a bad person
Men, similarly, aren’t entitled to be doormats and can call you out on your crap.
unfortunately it’s too late for her when she realizes this and wants a second chance.
Lol, nice guys finish best because they end up with used goods and women who wouldn’t give them the time or day when they were hot and young? nice, stupid guys get left overs. Nice, smart guys get them when they are hot and young with no baggage.
Good guys may be dependable, reliable and safe…but that doesn’t guarantee she will not get bored and want the bad boy later on because his unavailable nature makes her tingle where the good man could never do…ever wonder why there are no good men left? They turned into bad men to be with women, so if any ladies are wondering where good men are? They went extinct.
Dear Shellie:
Thanks so much for your thoughtful blog, it actually has encouraged me. I am currently 28 and have not been in a committed relationship, partly because of been “nice”. I know the Lord has someone for me, and I choose to wait in Him, as He brings her. Was going to email you, but couldn’t find an email, hence the reply. Blessings to you once more 🙂
I’m guessing you’re still waiting for the Lord to send you a woman by mail or something? That isn’t how it works, faith is a mind trick to get you to do what you actually need to do to get what you want, but if you misunderstand you’ll wait around until dead for the big man to do nothing for you. Eventually you’ll end up with a washed-up infertile mess of a woman and she’ll wrap you around her finger, manipulating you emotionally, and you’ll lose whatever self-worth you had in the process.
Women who reject nice guys never realize a nice guy’s worth, they end up with them because they have no choice anymore. These women have been used and exploited of their value by jerks and these jerks will keep dating younger women. That is reality.
i seem to meet the bad guys wish i could meet a good one whod look after me, and who i can take care of
A girl I had a big crush on in high school, who I attempted a few times to start a relationship with, it turns out, spent 40% of high school being statutorily raped by a guy two years older than her, who in the middle of her senior year dumped her, for a girl one year younger.
In high school, I asked a junior year girl out when I was a senior. She turned me down because she ‘didn’t date boys who weren’t Catholic’.
I was the only guy who ever asked her out in her four years of high school, and she never had a single date in high school.
What she had in college was a single date with some guy who seduced her and impregnated her in his pickup truck.
This is so true it’s not funny! I’ve watched all my friends fall for guys who were hot but didn’t necessarily treat them that well, and every single one of them chose to settle down in a happy marriage to a “nice guy”. I’m the last single one and even I, the eternal rebel who could never date “boring” guys, now swipe left on tinder to all the guys I used to swipe right to, and swipe right to all the guys who look kind, dependable and just all round nice people.
I hope the good guys know to stay the hell away from you.
So basically what you’re saying is, while you had your looks and had the attention of the hot assholes, you gladly rode the cock carousel like every woman tries to. But now that you’ve had your fun, you expect a nice guy to suddenly be there for you as you’re ageing and less able to bang hot guys. Because hey, a nice guy will take care of you as your good looks are fading away. He will inherit all of your problems caused by your youth and will essentially be paying above full price for third-hand goods, which you freely… Read more »
Funny story. I had a friend who was a nice guy. He wasn’t overly attractive, but he was a nice guy. He had plenty of girls he was interested in over the years, but most were out of his league. They were pretty, stuck up girls who were going to be dating guys who looked better, had more money, etc. The problem was, he never looked at the girls who were average. Even in high school he was interested in girls way above his social status or what his looks were going to bring him. He’s in his 40s now… Read more »
He could always go outside of the United States if he wants a hot girl to show interest. Either that or lower his standards, or get in shape. But if goes international he won’t have an issue.
That most of us good men are just too good for them anyway to begin with.
It is nice to read an article about men written by a woman that actually makes you feel appreciated, but this article isn’t going to un-do hundred-thousand year old female behavior patterns. It’s been carved into rocks at this point. And I also can’t help but point out the absurdity of this statement: “Women who are looking for husbands don’t mistreat nice guys.” It seems to be the women who fly the farthest with a man drop the largest bombs on him.
Women eventually come around to the nice guy….when they have nothing to offer but debt, selfishness and some other guys kids. Its sickening. The worst part of it all is, women think that these guys should feel grateful that they would even consider them in their lives after they are their ilk have been nothing but reprehensible to them.
To all the nice guys out there, I sympathize with your struggles as I myself have had similar issues. But don’t ever settle for second best. There’s no point accepting someone you’re going to resent. And don’t waste any more of your precious time lamenting the loss of a woman who doesn’t appreciate what you offer. The reason you’re suffering is because you’re playing by someone else’s rules. Accept who you are, own your good nature and set your own standards. I will continue to be nice until I find a nice girl, but that doesn’t mean I have to… Read more »
your very right and u wrote that in a good way, never change your self for anyone iff they really love you, they will love everything about you, (the real you) x
My name is, Kevin. I was in a realtionship that was toxic and after getting out I vowed to never dates or at least date if I was to find someone great. After two years, I did find someone and turns out she had alays been right under my nose, she was a friend I had always talked to on Facebook over the years, but we had never met. Long story short, we started dating early this year. She was in a toxic relationship and it left her n a bad place. Durmg the time we werr together she’d always… Read more »
she should of accepted the nice guy u were and been lucky she had you, im a bit old fashioned id kie a guy to love me and respect me, vice cersa, i want to please him when he comes home from a hard days work n look forward to c ing him, n make him a bath n something nice for tea, i love cooking, and enjoying time toghether, and learning new things toigether and travel and experience life together, iff he did want a child then id be up for having a family with him, as long as… Read more »
women are attracted to men with balls, confidence & who shows leadership, being just nice wont cut the mustard
And good men are attracted to women who know the difference between confidence and arrogance, who won’t mistaken a humble man for a weak man and who recognize that it’s easier to inspire confidence in a good man than it is to “fix a bad boy”. One of the biggest flaws of modern women is that they’re so fixated on finding a “finished product” instead of finding a man with potential and helping him grow. You women have the power to make men or break men, but so often you choose the latter and then wonder why there are no… Read more »
Only ‘gold diggers’ care about the finished product. Other women are happy to build together, love and nurture a man. The gold digger reserves her love and nurture for herself and children only.
Stay in your league…
Muster, not mustard
I used to be a “nice” guy. Then, I decided that I wanted to get laid. Changed up my game, became labeled a “bad boy”, and had more hot women than I could even manage. Figured, OK – got my $#@& together, no need to continue with this bad boy act. Thats when I stopped getting laid, and life once again SUCKED. Took me an entire year to transform back into the “player” motif, but sure enough, the women once again began to flock to me. Sorry ladies, but I LOVE the company of women way to much to go… Read more »
The way you speak in this post comes across very self-centered. In fact, you strongly remind me of my ex who had strong narcissistic traits. He used to advertise how he was “a nice guy and lived to give people a second chance and turn the other cheek.” He liked to pretend he was a nice guy, to draw others in. I suspect that you, just like him, are fooling yourself. You were never a nice guy. A true nice guy can’t change his whole personality at the drop of a hat like you have. On a bright note, the… Read more »
That change from being a nice guy to not being nice doesn’t come suddenly, it comes after around a decade and a half of getting the rewards of being nice, which is nothing. You would understand if you were male and transitioned from Bux to Fux.
that dissaapoints me what u said because u were so honest n true in the statement u made i be your a great lad to be around, dont put yourself down, the right women hasnt come along yet, but she will theres still time, and then u can share all those happy times together xxx
I’m a nice guy and I wish I could change and be the bad boy my sister always went after. She was really hot but her whole life was constant chaos because of the men she dated/married. Be that as it may, I want to be a bad arse but I wouldn’t know where to start. I’ve even believed that being boring was a desirable trait because of there being 24 hours in a day and constant partying gets old. I now believe that I was wrong, being an arse and full of wind is the kind of person that… Read more »
to the writer, you truly do have a gift. I felt like I had vented my problems to you and that you were a friend giving wonderful advice.
I’m 21 in college and in the large majority of my friendships with women I find myself taken advantage of. I was feeling very defeated and this article gave me a new mindset to hold onto
This article is written by a woman who is past it, has nothing to offer, and wants to romanticize what she has left. Here’s a piece of advice: Notice how your “friendships” with women always have you being an emotional shoulder to cry on and then you’re NEVER considered worthy to date despite being “such a nice guy, I wish I could find someone like you”…. What you call nice is just an inability to put yourself first, you don’t want a friendship with these women you want more, you’re lying to yourself and them. You’re lying and they’re lying,… Read more »
Yeah fucking right
Amen to that
Thank you so much for this article. I am currently 21, and I am a full-time student. I am constantly referred to as the “nice guy”. Many girls and guys have told me over the years that I need to change into a “bad seed”. The thing is that I don’t get much attention from females. It seems whenever I am interested in a nice woman that she isn’t interested. Lately I’ve been wrestling with my thoughts. I have felt somewhat discouraged over time. Although I am 21, I want a real and genuine relationship. I’ve been told by many… Read more »
oh my gosh hun u r so right im 36 and the last thing i would want is a childish guy, absolutley mature all the way, n it sounds like the girls have been to immaqture for you, your ready for a proper relationship by the sounds of it and a family ,and thats the kind of girl u need to be looking for not these immature small girls, they obviously dont see a nicve guy whos right infront of them, its their loss hun x
I’ll never understand why women (or anyone else for that matter) find themselves attracted to someone that treats them poorly as opposed to someone who’s genuinely interested in them.
And many young men who are nice by nature and relationship-oriented unfortunately stumble upon the fact that they can both protect their feelings and wildly increase the positive attention they receive from women just by working on their “asshole that doesn’t give a shit” routine. No one ends up happy at the end.
u dont need that shit in your life (excuse my saying) some girls have got feelings towards bad guys but when there older n more mature they will realise what massive mistakes theyv made, move on and look for a nice girl who you d like to spend your time with, good luck! x
No one wants an old cum dumpster, women know that beauty fades and no longer have that to compete with younger women.
Women aren’t attracted to men who treat the poorly. They’re attracted to men who demonstrate dominance.
People with mental health problems attract each other. I will give you that. You must also be sick to prefer the temporary asthetic to healthy mind.
Thank you for writting this gives me peace knowing that even the hurt of a heartbreak should not change the man I’am thank you your a blessing
The one (in my life) pushed me into a physical relationship with her older sister. Why so she could show rich people how she treats {trailer trash like me for asking her out). So they will think she is good enough for their rich son. Now she made a total fool out of me for being so nice to her, and {prettier than her girl friends too}. Even her mother agreed with that, and tried to have sex with me. Years after she got knocked up I was a jerk for not wanting to marry her any more. In the… Read more »
id say forget these shitty people in your past your to good for them anyway, n the more time u think about them then that means there winning, go out get yourself a sweet real chick who loves u for just the way u are x
Women are not real smart in the first place, and can’t rise above shallow stupid games simple as that. Now most of them will insist on ruining their lives, and anyone stupid enough to trust them too. Then after they have totally fucked up everything good in their lives including any decent man that was ever interested in them. They show up out of the blue 3 or 5 years later, and just want to pick up where they dumped you off at. They also don’t see anything wrong with this behavior either, and because they always got away it… Read more »
Women really don’t want nice guys anymore since they go with the very bad ones instead.
Plus it helps to have a low IQ, a prison record, missing teeth, and real bad BO. Then you can fuck any stupid bitch you want to. Plus always treat her like shit too. They really seem to love that, then she will love you forever
n the women r the ones that will regret it coz when years later your walking down thr st with a pretty true bird on your arm n prahaps a famiy then you ll see them arguing down the st her looking a mess maybe her fella maybe of had to of gone to jail by that time, so u just walk up with your head held high, your worth more than that! x
Or they go with guys like a cousin of mine. He’d find some hot woman and romance her, then live together with her for 3 to 5 years until the relationship soured, then go find another one, etc.. He’s been through about 6 that I know of, that last one he married. How stupid all those women were. They didn’t do any homework or looking into him and his past. That’s 6 women who were basically rendered far less marriageable, at best. In the big picture, he ‘took up’ 6 women, leaving 5 men on the planet without one who… Read more »
Well, what I’ve learned is both men and women treat each other badly when it comes to romance and relationships. However there seems to be a stigma against men that we are all just dogs which isn’t fair. Fact is that a great deal of us aren’t dogs but we aren’t given the time of day because ladies are on the hunt for that bad boy. By the time most ladies are ready for a nice guy we now have to navigate through years of baggage before the relationship can hit the sweet spot. Ladies you could do yourself a… Read more »
so true, well said! shame we couldnt have a conversation x